Dear RTF reader,

September was a good month. I know it was. I wanted to bring you an uplifting report from newlywed land combined with some epic story of fighting against all odds to triumph victoriously at the foot of the cross, like I’m sure other married couples have relayed. Still wrestling with tangled balls of thought and snippets of memory at 6:00 this morning, staring at a wall we never hung pictures on - blank white walls irritate both of us - I waited to remember that one time when we were amazing.

Thirty minutes into my wrestling, a mostly asleep husband reached around and pulled me closer to his chest. His breath was warm against the back of my neck and the weight of his arm resting on mine broke into my thoughts.

Why does it have to be epic (my new favorite word)?

Because it is more engaging, of course! Do you not remember Lord of the Rings?

What about honest, humble and possibly even a bit vulnerable?

But what if no one can relate to that!?! Hmmm…Um, never mind.

It’s true. These first several months of marriage, while full of transition, have not necessarily consisted of giant strides toward holiness, but something resembling tiny lessons in humility, and a continual stream of evidences of God’s grace - not unlike the ways Christ taught us in singleness. I am grateful to relay that Christ is still actively working in our lives and marriage, despite my delusions of greatness and odd conversations with myself.

September’s evidences of grace:

• Perry shares what he’s been learning from Harold Best’s “Unceasing Worship” and takes the following 30 minutes to discuss it with me when I don’t understand.

“Love is patient, love is kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude…” 1 Cor 13:4

• We fight heated, but on one occasion, resist bringing out past faults and are able to come to a resolution, though we still do not agree.

“In your anger, do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your heart and be silent.” Psalm 4:4

• He urges me to spend the afternoon with a hurting friend, rather than demanding my time and attention.

• He initiates a run in the morning before work one morning, because he knows it starts my day off well and we both desire to be healthy for ourselves and each other.

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand.” Song of Solomon 5:10

• I leave my hair straightener on the bathroom sink for the sixth time in a row, and instead of getting frustrated, he gives me time to remember and put it away.

“…[Love] does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful…” 1 Cor 13:4

• We change Mars Hill campuses and watch as Christ connects us to new ministry and new friendships.

• We recognize exhaustion in each other’s eyes after a long day at work, and instead of forcing the other to meet needs or be productive, we both extend grace and go to bed early. The laundry can wait. (this was yesterday)

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Eph 5:33

• He calls me out on selfishness, and gently leads me back to repentance.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” Eph 5:25-28

Yes, September was a very good month.

Candice was asked, “What is the biggest gift Jesus has given you this year?” Here she answers that question.

I was standing around Circuit City yesterday while my husband was picking out a video camera for our new arrival. I started thinking of the biggest gift Jesus has given me this year. To no one’s surprise, the first thing that came to mind was this baby in my tummy. But the longer I thought about it, the longer the list got.

Although I didn’t go into too much detail in my last post about my sexual sins, I was in the process of repenting and studying with other women what the bible said about it. For so many years, I was a slave to different sexual sins. No body knew… and I actually liked it like that.

“If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” 1 John 1:6-7

After 17 years of habitual sin, Jesus has changed my heart. My sexual desires have been purified and re-focused for my husband and our marriage bed. After two years of marriage, I experienced for the first time what sex was meant to be like: The perfect act of intimacy that I didn’t know was possible. The pure desire I can have for my husband that I didn’t know I was missing.

I could keep going and talk about all the behavioral things that have changed, but I won’t. All I want to boast about is Jesus. Jesus is the reason my sexual sins have stopped. Jesus is the reason I am not disgusted with myself anymore. Jesus was the one whose grace covers me, even when I’m not paying attention to it.

So what’s the biggest gift Jesus has given me this year? Here are the top 4 of 2008.
1. Freedom from sexual sin
2. Community to walk in the light with
3. The continual love, patience and leadership of my husband
4. The miracle of this child

Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!

“Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

Today was Candice’s day to post, but I just got word she’s gone into labor (!) so y’all can pray for her delivery of baby Harley.

My sister-in-law is a week past-due and they’ll probably induce her this afternoon and make my little niece come out into the world. Grandma said, “poor thing, if I were her I wouldn’t want to face a Manitoba winter, either!”

On Saturday, my dear cousin got married. It was a huge family affair; I was the reception host, 3 of my sisters catered the entire thing and another sister was the photographer. There were relatives and friends everywhere from as far as Lebanon and London, and it was a very joyful time. Still, when I got my aunt to take me to where the bride was hiding before the wedding so I could give her one last hug, I was completely shocked that I suddenly burst into uncontrollable tears. Goodbye, maidenhood friend.

This Friday, I will attend a funeral for my dear friend Stephanie. She battled cancer the entire time I knew her. I used to give her massages to try to help her lymph nodes drain, and forced her to tell me stories of her childhood in Mt. Vernon in the 1940’s. Sent home with pain killers to just wait out the end, I watched as her body became more and more emaciated. I watched the tears of family and friends. I watched her own tears as she reconciled the fact she was going to die in the next few days since she couldn’t eat or drink any longer. We read John 14 together, and she told me that was what they read at her son’s funeral, and she couldn’t wait to see him.

Two gals I work with also had people close to them die in the last month. We have all had our tearful exchanges about how much we hate death. We are comforted to know that we don’t have to be at peace with death - that it is our enemy - and that Jesus truly has conquered it.

All this has me thinking a lot about life recently. How short it is, how quickly we come and go. That there really is only hope in Jesus to live now, and our only hope for after life is Him also. Jesus IS life.

It makes the little things - the little fights, the striving to have the best and the newest fill-in-the-blank, the pompousness and pride of so many things that are “meaningless! meaningless!” - it makes them look as petty as they are. And the things that get overlooked… like my little girl cousins begging me to dance with them at the wedding and tell them their dresses are pretty … suddenly become so very important.

By Tera Miller

Before coming to know Jesus at the age of 27, I had my fare share of relationships with men of a different character than what I’m attracted to now as a Christian.  Just as God has been transforming my heart, He has been transforming how I consider men for potential relationship.  It’s not a science or a checklist by any means, but here are six ways in which God has changed my heart and opened my eyes.

First, as a non-believer my former goal for relationship with men was simply to date and have a good time. There was no intention of anything more than that, but perhaps if it did turn into a long committed relationship, it would be considered a bonus.  My thinking was short-term and narrow.  I didn’t question whether he would be a good husband, good father, or good leader.  I only needed to know if he was a good date or possibly a good boyfriend.  Now I value legacy and how a man would lead our family as well as whether I would be willing to follow him and submit to his mission for the rest of my life.

Second, I used physical and sexual attraction as my gage for desirability.  I felt desired by men when they pursued me physically, and in turn, I showed my attraction for men by advancing sexually.  Although physical attraction is still important and sexual intimacy will be enjoyed in the covenant of marriage, I now find great value in emotional and spiritual compatibility and feel most desired when a man pursues the hidden parts of my heart, fulfilling my deepest longing to be fully known and fully loved.

Before becoming a Christian, I didn’t know what sin was nor that I was indulging in it.  So looking back, I can see that the third consideration I used was whether someone would join me in my sin.  I wanted someone who would allow me to be selfish, hide in half truths, and manipulate the situation.  I was attracted to men who were slaves to their own sin so they couldn’t hold my sin against me.  Today I want a man who is both aware of and repulsed by his sinful heart, and is eager to confess and repent of his sin.  I also want a man who is loving and bold enough to call out my sin and to not be content with my unrepentant heart. 

Fourth, I used to think that it didn’t matter what other people thought of my relationship as long as he treated me well when we were alone together.  That meant that he could be a different person to my friends, disrespect me in public, and not be liked by my family.  Today I see community as a blessing and wise counsel.  To bring a relationship before the people that know me and love me is a way for me to receive guidance and assure that I am protected.  I want my future husband to be the same person to me as he is to my friends, my family, our community and complete strangers.  I want to be able to see his character in different situations and how he chooses to respond.  I also value the accountability from brothers and sisters who are looking out for my best interest and helping to make sure our relationship is glorifying to God.

The fifth variance in my view of men is the concept that I now want a man to make me holy, not simply happy.  There is nothing wrong with the emotion of happiness, however if that is my goal above all else, I will not be as willing to be transformed for God’s purpose because I will avoid anything that takes me away from happiness.  I believe God brings great joy even in the midst of intense pain and suffering.  And when I am seeking to be more like Jesus, I will be faced with many times of unhappiness for the sake of holiness.  I want a man who will choose our holiness even when it’s hard, may result in disappointment, or be anything but happy.

The sixth and final point actually encompasses all of the prior five.  It all comes down to worshipping myself as god.  I thought selfishly and narrowly, seeking immediate pleasure and did whatever I wanted at that moment.  I used to live for my plan but now I live for God’s plan.  Likewise, I want a man who is seeking God’s plan and will live it out in our relationship and in the rest of his life.

God has a plan that is far greater than I could ever imagine for myself.  And the question isn’t How does God fit into my plan?, it’s How do I fit into God’s plan?  I want a man who believes that and is after my heart because he is first after God’s own heart.

By Liz Pak. Liz originally wrote A Desperate Housewife Comes Clean, a post that generated a huge buzz. Since that time she posted once more, but we are proud to announce she will be a regular writer on the blog now. As soon as she recovers from birthing Baby 2, that is. Congratulations, Liz!!

I was not raised in a Christian home. My childhood was marked with lots of yelling and fighting and scary moments. I had such an unnatural fear of my parents that when I became a first-time mom over a decade later I swore I would never repeat the same sins to my own children.
 
I was so thankful for Jesus, but so prideful that He had saved me. I thought that once I had His righteousness I would not only be free from sin but free of sin.  I thought that being a new creation meant that I was a new sinless and perfect me. I would have perfect friends and a perfect house and a perfect husband in a perfect marriage. But most of all I would be a perfect mom. I would not make the same mistakes my mom made. I would not sin like her. I would be different because I had Jesus.
 
And then I kept having these moments. Moments when I am so mad at my child that I cannot discipline her because I might hurt her. Moments when I am angry and lonely and taking out my frustrations on my toddler because she is the only other person in the cold empty house.  Moments when I am screaming at her in the driveway and instead of being convicted of my sinful cruelty I am thinking “I hope no one is watching because then they will know how un-perfect I am”.  I had so many of these moments. I had them every week, sometimes two days in a row, sometimes several even within the same day.

My worst nightmare has come true: I have become my mother. I have inherited her sinful nature and I am hurting my daughter. History is repeating itself. God has entrusted her to me to care and provide for, to protect against evil doers. And yet here I am, the kind of evil person she needs protection from.
 
How does Jesus change my story? How is my journey different from my mother’s?
 
Another one of those moments. I am yelling at my daughter during her evening bath, chastising her when she is at her most vulnerable, wet and tired with soap in her eyes, sitting in a tub of water. She looks at me with tearful eyes. “Why mama?” she seems to say.
 
I take my daughter up in my arms and wrap her in a warm towel. We go sit in the special rocking chair in her room. She snuggles in against my hugely pregnant belly and I feel her brother wriggling inside me.
 
“I’m sorry Kayla.” I whisper. “Mama is sinning against you in her anger. I should not have yelled at you. You did nothing wrong. I should not have taken my frustration out on you. I ask forgiveness. Can you forgive me?”
 
She pulls her thumb out of her mouth long enough to mumble “Yes, Mama.”
 
“I love you.”
 
“Losh you.”
 
This is the sanctification that is only possible in Christ. It is the kind of forgiveness and reconciliation that I long for with my own mother. And while that is one relationship where I may never have closure, by God’s grace I can now experience it with my own daughter.
  
My story is different because it is not my story. It is God’s story and it belongs to Him because I belong to Him. He will redeem it for His glory and for my good and for my children’s good. I still have my sinful nature and it wars inside me against the Holy Spirit that dwells there too. I am not the perfect mom and I do not have my own righteousness to lean on. But I belong to a perfect God and He will take care of me, and of my family, just like he cares for all His children and works all things out for the good of those who love Him. 

“The devil made me do it,” is kind of a joke excuse, especially in a day when most of us scoff at the spiritual due to the presence of overwhelming material. 

But what about, “I couldn’t help it”? or “I just couldn’t take it any more”? or “I just couldn’t resist”? or “you have no idea what I was going through, it was my only option” or “You don’t understand how strong the temptation was.” Or, one I really hear all the time from ladies, “well, I was PMSing, so of course I couldn’t help but ________” (fill in the blank with the sinful action). 

I just shook my Bible really hard, but no “You Had PMS - Get Out of Jail Free” Chance cards fell out.

Instead, I am reminded, again, of 1 Corinthians 10:13. This verse has been ruining my fun and excuses since I memorized it as a child. Of all the verses I memorized and promptly forgot, it would’ve been incredibly convenient to have had this one join the fell-out-the-back-of-my-mind club, but no. It’s super-glued. And I can almost see the Holy Spirit smile as He quotes it to my brain when I am about to make an excuse to condone some sinful action I’d really like to take.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

What? The temptations I face are common? This should discourage excuses for sin, but should encourage you to know: other people have walked in your shoes. Really. 

God … will not let you be tempted beyond your ability … he will also provide a way of escape. Again, this should discourage your excuses. The Bible is clear: you CAN help it - because God will not allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to resist. Not only that, he DOES make a way for you to escape temptation. What’s the encouragement? You truly can resist and flee. You may feel overwhelmed, and yes, you may get really awful PMS or have a terrible day, and you may feel totally alone and trapped in a tempting situation. But God has promised to make a way to escape. Believe Him. Get out. Run.

Pastor Mark preached about praying before temptation recently, when he taught on the Lord’s prayer in Matthew 6. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.

In 1 Corinthians 10:13 we have that promise of a way to escape. Pray before temptation, but when it is in your face, pray for that way to escape. With the Holy Spirit, you WILL be able to bear it. 

-Adriel

I want to say thank you to the 44 who took time to respond to our survey. I don’t know if that number strikes you as large or small, and, honestly, I don’t know if I think of it in terms of size. What I know is that we received some really good feedback, and enough of it to see some consistent patterns in our readers and their thoughts on the Reforming the Feminine blog.

We’re stealing about 12% of the Vox Pop Network’s traffic (this is where I’d hope we be - I don’t want all the attention, but I am glad we are read!), and between July 11 and August 10th this summer, we got 5828 unique page views.

It’s totally humbling that so many of you took the time to fill in the survey boxes with your thoughts. I am humbled that you read our words and pay attention to what we have to say. Thank you for listening. It’s an honor.

So what did we learn from you?

1. 53% of you have no immediate connection to (more…)

I’m sitting in my apartment right now, normally my haven of rest. But this last week it has been my Jonah-in-the-whale experience. I am debating over clicking “publish” after I write these things, because they are not resolved and they don’t make me look good.

I’m thinking through the book of Jonah - I had to read ahead of our preaching because a) it was a story and b) it’s short. Here’s my brief summary:

1. God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah to tell them they’re doomed; Jonah is racist and elitist and by his own admission (in chapter 4) doesn’t want to go because he doesn’t want God to have mercy on them if and when they repent.

2. God puts Jonah in the underwater slammer of sorts, to repent. Jonah comes to a place where he acknowledges he is small and defenseless, and God is huge and powerful, and his only hope. But try to find any “I’m sorry”s or heart changes.

3. God tells Jonah to go to Ninevah again. This time he goes, only walks into the city partway, announces doom and gloom. The people repent, and God spares them.

4. Jonah is royally ticked off and a conversation ensues between himself and God revealing Jonah’s judgmental, self-righteous and wicked heart that looks nothing like God’s merciful and compassionate one. The line that keeps sticking out to me is God saying “Do you do well to be angry?” and Jonah’s clearly irrational and emotional response, “Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to DIE.”

I’m writing you in the midst of (more…)

Hello readers,

I really appreciate all your love and support and the way you encourage us in our writing. I am so thankful that you honor us by taking time out of your day to read about our lives. I am humbled by the feedback we get when you tell us that we spoke truth into your hearts.

We’ve been online for 1.5 years!

With that said, I am asking you to pray for me as I think ahead to the future and how we can better serve you women through this blog. Will you take just a minute to pray for me? Pray for wisdom and ears to hear. 

Last, I want to welcome feedback from our readers. Would you consider filling out this form? It shouldn’t take more than 5-10 minutes max.

-Adriel