Remember Tera Miller? Today she writes on her struggles in worshiping and fearing her family more than Jesus. Can you relate? Maybe you don’t have an “obvious idol” - like pornography or overeating or drunkenness. But what about the beautiful gift of family? Do you love them more than Jesus?

God created us to worship.  It’s how we’re made.  So when we’re not properly worshiping Him, our hearts are quickly drawn to a cheap replacement.  For me, that has been my family.  Which is rather confusing since family in itself is a good thing.  But it can easily take the form of idolatry when I choose family over Jesus.  Let me explain.

As a single woman, I have held my family above Christ by refusing to speak truth at the risk of disrupting my family’s so-called peace or potentially losing relationship with them altogether.  I knew God was calling me to bring into the light past family sin that had never been discussed since it occurred 27 years ago.  I could see how it could be used to show them God’s grace by coming to them in truth and forgiveness.  And although there was great possibility to see lives transformed, I sinned against God by instead choosing my family and my own comfort because the risk was too high.

Not having a husband or children of my own, the thought of being left “alone” was unbearable.  I literally thought I wouldn’t be able to live without my family.  But what I was choosing in that was that I could live without loving Jesus.

It took a long time of wrestling with my convictions before I actually repented.  I sat in my sin and played every scenario out in my head, resolving that I couldn’t bear the worst case outcome.  As a follower of Jesus, I believed that I would give up the thing I cherished the most to follow Him.  But I never actually had to put that belief into action, until now.

Through a lot of prayer and struggle, God changed my heart and gave me the boldness to trust in His sovereignty.  Out of a changed heart and a desire to love and follow Him no matter the cost, I initiated a truth-bearing conversation with my family that resulted in intense pain, disappointment and severed relationship.  In the midst of this season of suffering, though, I rest knowing that I have chosen Jesus above that which I have held above Him for my entire life.  And no matter the situation with my own family, I am comforted by my Heavenly Father who promises I will never be left alone.

Psalm 27:10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Hers was the last bootie shaking.  Through the din of the crowd’s cheering and whistles, you could barely hear the fading lines of Billboard’s #1 hit, Eye of the Tiger, before the contest was over and the redneck crowd erupted in unanimous thunder, announcing its winner by shouting our roommate’s name.  It was the same cacophonous pitch we heard most every Friday night after the Best Bootie Contest in the muggy Coyote Ugly bar we hung out at in South Texas in the fall of 1982. 

“RUTH-IE!  RUTH-IE!  RUTHIE!”

I was going to a Christian college in the Bible belt, and as one of a handfull of rowdy party girls on campus, a few of us had hooked up and decided to rent an apartment together.  Funny how partiers always find each other.   (”Do not be misled:  Bad company corrupts good character.”  1 Cor. 15:33)

Denise was our ringleader.  She came from such a long line of respected HPU alumni and donors that her last name was minted on an entire dormitory.  Her parents were divorced, and I’ll never forget her showing me a picture of herself at the beach around kindergarten:  wet ponytail, little pot belly, and a smile as big and warm as the state she grew up in.  Her mother had written in capital letters, red ink “SUCK IT IN HONEY!” on the bottom, and after I met her in Fort Worth, I  don’t think the woman came up with another original criticism throughout Denise’s entire trek through puberty.

Lisa came from big money too.  Her father owned a chain of tractor dealerships, and when I would go home with her for breaks, they insisted on paying for everything.  “Southern hospitality.”  Lisa eventually moved out - had to.  Her mother disapproved of us and was cutting off the money if she didn’t.  And aside from her laughing in my face when I told her my hair wasn’t bleached (it wasn’t back then) and pinching her shoulders around us like we had a communicable disease, in hindsight I don’t really blame her.  I have a vivid memory as an 18 year old sitting lamely on the couch, watching the profile of Disapproving Mom cart out the boxes, and thinking “Dang.  You could practically ski off that nose.  If I had all that money, I’d look up a surgeon.” 

In hindsight, Lisa was probably the brains of the bunch.

I chose HPU for 2 reasons:  One, I knew the Baptist bent would make my mother happy, and two, it was conveniently located in Texas - about as far away as I could get from her. 

Denise, Lisa, Ruthie and I were as different as chalk from cheese, and how we all ended up together only God could manage.  The only thing we did have in common was that we fit into a conservative Baptist college about as well a white glove fits in a pig pen.  Because deep down we all felt dirty.  For different reasons.  But as it turned out, Ruthie kept filthier secrets than most.

This is for Ruthie.

(to be continued)

I was just sorting through some old emails and trying to downsize my inbox and found an old one I saved from my Mom. I called her in tears and kind of blew up on her because I was having boy problems and she never hears from me on boy problems EVER, but she stepped right up to it and was very good at calming me down and helping me think things through logically. In fact, her statements were so clear and concrete, I remember whimpering to her, “will you please email those to me so I can remind myself?” and she did the next morning. Here they are.   

1. It is all right for you to tell other people that you do not want to talk about men. Or anything in your private life.
2. You have the right to choose who you allow to talk with you about men.
3. You have the right to take the time you need to decide if a man is the right man for you to marry.
4. Hurry is not a virtue in choosing a mate. (Marry in haste, repent at leisure)
5. A second date is NOT a decision to marry. It is a second look, that is all.
6. A third date is NOT a decision to marry. It is a third look, that is all.
7. Repeat 5 and 6.
8. It is all right to admit you don’t know what you want. It is essential, actually. Until you are honest, you will never know.
9. First steps for you will be to seek God for wisdom about why you are so upset about others’ interest in you. Then seek God for what to do about it. Then respond according to His leading. The business about So-and-So takes a back seat to this, because it will return with ANYONE you want to get to know. When this is straightened out, I think you will be able to think and feel more clearly about So-and-So.
 
Do you remember runaway bride? I struck me that she always had her eggs done the same way her current beau wanted them; part of her ‘growing up’ was when she took the time to test taste eggs to see which way she really liked them. Talk to God about So-and-So and other men. Let Him talk back. It is an adventure, that is for sure. I am praying for you.
Love,
Mom

At what age do you cross the line from being a swinging single with (often naive) notions of finding the man of your dreams to a world-weary veteran of singleness?

How do you find joy and peace in singleness after the death of your youthful assumptions of how your life would look at this stage?

Several women asked for teaching on these questions in the surveys from the women’s retreat at Semiahmoo this month. While a half-day teaching from a year ago won’t completely answer the burdens and concerns mentioned in the surveys, we want to highlight what is already available on this subject for those who may have missed it.

Maturity in Singleness, part 1
Deacon Amy Lockman discusses the emotional, physical and spiritual battles faced by single women who are over 30 (or close to it!) and what a biblical response to these pressures looks like.

Maturity in Singleness, part 2
Wendy Alsup, deacon of Women’s Theology, speaks on the importance of being in community with women in varying stages of life.

By Chandin Persaud, who also wrote this piece, and is a member regularly attending West Seattle… until Downtown officially starts kickin’ it.

I have never been so thankful for men until last night.  Growing up I couldn’t understand them, didn’t like them, and was utterly afraid of them.  I have dealt with about every “daddy-issue” a girl might have, which sadly isn’t rare these days.  But last night God showed this jacked up girl a peek at what it means to be a man of God, and I am eternally grateful. 

I went to dinner with some guy friends, some of which I didn’t know so well. Conversation was great; the chips were warm and the salsa spicy. Conversation grew rich as it went from dinner to the living room of their bachelor pad. We sat and talked about (more…)

Warning: this is a long one. But I hope it makes you laugh, smile & think seriously about what it means to be a woman in relationship with men, and what kind of men you want around you.

I very much enjoy salsa dancing.

My friend and I go when we have the chance, and it never fails to amuse, bewilder, and teach me on what it means to be a woman, and what it means to interact with a man.

Last week I was out again, and I learned something new about myself.

But first I’d like to share some previous insights into my identity as a woman, and what kind of men are out there.

The Dancing Woman (Me):

• The Control Freak. I naturally want control (more…)

#10: ”What do I do in the meantime? 

As you wait on God’s provision of a spouse, the temptation will be to meditate on your loneliness and become fixated on the circumstances surrounding your singleness.  You need to be distracted from that self-centered mental path.  Volunteer.   Invest yourself in ministry.  Reach out to those who are less fortunate than you.  By giving to others and investing yourself in someone more needy than you, you will be distracted from focusing on yourself-your loneliness, your unfulfilled desires, your needs.  Whatever places of ministry God brings in your life (home, church, work), give your best with whole-hearted enthusiasm.  It is possible to overcome with joy in the waiting! 

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Administrator’s note: this is the final “common question/concern” that Deacon Wendy Alsup answers for ladies who are struggling with their singleness. See the “Singleness” category for her article and other questions answered. 

#9: ”What about a career? How does a Biblical authority structure apply to secular employment?” 

In a believing woman’s life, she has three sources of earthly, Biblical authority-her father, husband, and elders.  These are the men that God holds accountable for her well-being.  Many single women have fathers who have fully abdicated that responsibility.  Thankfully, your elders at Mars Hill take their obligation to you seriously and seek to be faithful authorities in which you can trust.  These alone are the men to whom God calls Christian women to submit and obey.  We are not subservient to all men, nor do we consider men outside of these offices to be Biblical authorities in our lives. 

Like our brothers in Christ, we have obligations to earthly authorities in the workplace and government, and we have a Biblical duty to meet those obligations.  You have financial and civic obligations.  You have obligations at work.  You must fulfill your duties, not to earn the respect of coworkers or build personal self-esteem, but to reflect well on the character of God.  Whatever God has called you to do, do it righteously with your whole heart. 

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men…

1 Corinthians 10:31 So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

Administrator’s note: this is “common question/concern” #9 that Deacon Wendy Alsup answers for ladies who are struggling with their singleness. See the “Singleness” category for her article and other questions answered. 

#8: ”I think God is punishing me.”

Romans 8:1 teaches that, since Christ bore all of our punishment on the cross, we no longer bear any condemnation from God for our sins.  Everything that God does toward us now is evidence of His love, mercy, and grace, for His justice has been completely fulfilled through Christ. 

So what do we make of the hard circumstances God allows in our lives?  God constantly works negative things for our good and His glory. 

The story of Job is the classic example of God allowing horrible circumstances in the life of a believer DESPITE his uprightness of character and obedience.  According to Job 1, it is because of Job’s righteous character that he is picked for this burden.  Satan accuses Job of obeying God only because God is good to Job.  If God brings hardship to Job, Satan believes Job will reject God.  So Job’s story is about proving God’s worthiness to Satan.  In hardship or blessing, trial or glory, God is worthy of praise and adoration.  Like Paul’s sufferings, God is working in your life to make known to heavenly powers that He is worthy of praise.

Romans 8:1  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…

Job 1:20-22 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Ephesians 3:10-13 His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms, according to his eternal purpose which he accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord. In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. I ask you, therefore, not to be discouraged because of my sufferings for you, which are your glory.

Administrator’s note: this is “common question/concern” #8 that Deacon Wendy Alsup answers for ladies who are struggling with their singleness. See the “Singleness” category for her article and other questions answered. 

#7: ”I am bitter and jealous towards others inside and outside the church.”

These emotions are common but never justified.  We must deal with them simply as the sin they are.  In Christ, we are no longer slaves to sin.  We have the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit working in us to conform us to the image of Christ.  We DON’T have to give in to these sins.  Rebuke yourself when you see this attitude surface.  Repent to Christ and force yourself over the hurdle to be kind and honest to those you resent.

Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.

Romans 6:18 You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

Administrator’s note: this is “common question/concern #7″ that Deacon Wendy Alsup answers for ladies who are struggling with their singleness. See the “Singleness” category for her article and other questions answered.