I was emailing a friend this week, and I actually burst out laughing when I typed that.  It was like seeing truth in a new light, and I couldn’t help myself.  It caused me to reflect on all the healing that Jesus had effected in my life, because three little words can change your life.  Remember the most famous?  ”It is finished.”  (John 19:30).

In a twisted simile with the same connotation, 3 little words changed my life forever following a confrontation with my husband after exposing his extramarital affair.  A fairly new Christian, I remember sitting on my knees on the bed, thinking, ”I can’t believe how much worse life has gotten since I gave my life to Jesus!”  Minutes later, 3 little words from my beloved’s lips would haunt me for a very long time.  I will never forget the tone, the pitch, the pause, the delivery, the articulation. 

The answer.

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

(four second pause)

“No.  I don’t.”

Everything was slow motion, so it wasn’t like feeling an immediate, vicious puncture wound.  The incision through my heart was premeditated; a slow, deliberate slash.  Almost methodical.  But it was a dagger gash.  Messy.  Very messy for my children and I.  The words would wash in an out like the tide, for a long time.  

Fast forward.  Separation.  Divorce.  His new marriage would propel a journey of single parenting my then 2 and 3 year old for seven years.  My heart wound began a tumultuous cycle.   Scab, fester, heal, infect.  Scab, fester, heal, infect.  An occasional bust open.  Like the time my little boy asked the UPS man if he was his daddy.  That one took a long time to stitch up.

Fast forward.

Bliss!  My savior had arrived!  A terrific Christian man who wanted to marry me!  Reducing my previous marriage to worldly love, I knew this man would bring me closer to the ideallic Mary Poppins marriage I had dreamed of.  You know, practically perfect in every way.  We were both Christian, after all.

Fast forward. 

 A handful of Christian women studying The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace.  (A great book on wife-ing.)  We are studying the chapter on sex, and the leader naively passes me by (with my second trimester belly) by commenting, “Well, obviously you have no problems in this department!”  Do they notice that everyone is laughing but me?  No, they don’t.  Because, despite my Mary Poppins smile, I am working a familiar pattern.  Scab, fester, heal, infect.  Scab, fester, heal, infect…

* * *

In each of our lives, the drama of sin and suffering plays itself out.  It may be a secret struggle that is growing more difficult.  It may be a relationship that is increasingly conflicted.  The horrors of the past rear their ugly heads.

Honesty compels us to admit that we are people who need help, surrounded by people in the same situation.  There are things inside of us that simply don’t go away.  We do wrong things, feel regret, confess them, resolve not to repeat them, but, in the heat of the moment, go on to exactly what we promised ourselves we wouldn’t.

God has called us to be part of His kingdom work, but he hasn’t given us a phoney Mary Poppins polish, or a quick pamphlet, “5 Steps to the Perfect Relationship.”  He has told us to place our hope in the presence and work of Jesus the Redeemer.  We find we are utterly dependent on His power and wisdom for change in any of our relationships, because “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way” (Is. 53:6).  It was completely encouraging when, during a time of complete humility and failure, Jesus reminded me that all mankind, all marriages, were in the same boat as me, really, and that no matter what any marriage looked like on the outside, no matter how much lacquer a couple may goop on, the truth remains we are all selfish, sinful wives married to selfish sinful husbands.  Their transparency was irrelevant on some level.  What I believed about Jesus and how I aligned my mind with Scripture would be the only important difference.

My husband and I have stumbled, tripped, lost many battles, and yet are winning the war.  Our marriage is tight and growing tighter, despite the fact that from time to time we blame each other for our own sins, as well as the past sins of others. 

The Christian life is a long obedience in the same direction.  The Bible is more than an encyclopedia of therapeutic insights, like,  ”Where can I find a verse on (fill in the blank)”.  Our only hope in any relationship rests on the Person, Jesus Christ, and His salvation plan to rescue us.  We are quicker to the cross as a couple, and more willing to be humiliated in front of one another.  I have watched my husband go from a deflated football, to the winningest QB in our home.  As a couple, we are hopeless and helpless as husband and wife, man and woman.  We need rescue from our own self-sufficiency and wisdom and a transport to a kingdom where Jesus is central and true hope is alive. 

I am haunted more often by the Bible and words of God, than the foolish words of man.  ”No.  I don’t“, holds absolutely no power anymore.  When Pastor Mark was teaching through Nehemiah, God reminded me to,   “Have a mind to work, Shelly, on your relationships.”  (Nehemiah 4:6).   Which incidentally is a great prayer.    

We feel as if we have a permanent trowel in one hand (building our home for Jesus fame), and a sword in the other (exalting and living and believing the Word).  (Nehemiah 4:17).  We’ve made dozens of marriage and parenting mistakes.  And still, we win the war.  A long obedience in the same direction, and knowing our community at Mars Hill Church is all doing the same, and no one has a Mary Poppins marriage.  

Pastor Mark’s new series on The Peasant Princess, in Song of Songs is sure to scratch a few scabs for all of us.  I know in the end it will encourage more growth, more humility, and deeper love in all of our relationships, because worldly love is our default under a Curse.

Thank you Jesus Christ, for picking off the scabs.  For saving me from myself, from hurting my husband, and for eternity.

Thank you Pastor Mark, for your undaunting love of Scripture, uncovering festers in our marriages. 

Thank You, Father God, for a design to heal us.

Use us, sweet Jesus through the Holy Spirt, to give us (as C.S. Lewis put it), the Good Infection to others around.

Thank you that I can laugh at the title of this post.  And be eternally thankful that it’s true.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;

Save me and I will be saved,

For Thou art my praise.

Jeremiah 17:14

Know how you meet people later in life who remind you of someone from your past?  Their laugh…mannerisms…looks…walk?  Never in my life have I met anyone who reminded me of Ruthie.  Until recently when I was late to work, circling 5^th & Columbia.  I caught Ruthie out of the corner of my eye.  The sexy walk gave her away.  She turned the corner while I waited at a red light.  On green, I gunned it and turned too.  Yup.  It was Ruthie alright.

People used to say Ruthie faked that walk, but I lived with her for 9 months, and I know:  That walk was naturally Ruthie.  Arriver comme mars en careme.  That’s French for as sure as night follows day.  Ruthie was just born to walk that way.  

Girls like Ruthie fascinate us, and like most young women, I constantly compared (more…)

Hers was the last bootie shaking.  Through the din of the crowd’s cheering and whistles, you could barely hear the fading lines of Billboard’s #1 hit, Eye of the Tiger, before the contest was over and the redneck crowd erupted in unanimous thunder, announcing its winner by shouting our roommate’s name.  It was the same cacophonous pitch we heard most every Friday night after the Best Bootie Contest in the muggy Coyote Ugly bar we hung out at in South Texas in the fall of 1982. (more…)

If you missed it on the Ballard blog, I wanted to alert you to a wonderful post by another Jesus-loving lady - Tami Hagglund, member at the Ballard campus. She shares honestly about the pain, shame and guilty memories of premarital sex with her husband, and walks into the grace of God with beauty and joy. Check it out.

I remember Christmas 2002 at Mars Hill Church quite well.  It was my first Christmas in Seattle and at Mars Hill, and I remember my initial horror when I figured out the link of the title of this Christmas sermon with the content. 

The whores in Jesus’ lineage.  That’s it in a nutshell.  The churches in which I grew up didn’t preach much on whores and certainly didn’t title their sermons in such a scandalous way.  But I have to say that sermon got my attention and stuck with me.  Listen to it if you have time.  If you don’t have time, here’s the basic idea.  Women who were disdained in their society because of their sinful sexual activities are redeemed by God.  Their stories are transformed.  They are no longer remembered in the history of the church as whores but as the mothers of the lineage of Jesus.   These women remind us that, while our culture may exploit women from multiple angles, our Savior has long been in the business of loving us, transforming us, and giving us His name.  

This is WHAT HE DOES.  Redemption.  Reconciliation.  Restoration.  

. Therefore we have Hope.

…enough said.

Here are some things that I’ve found helps:                      

1. Don’t be alone in a house.

2. Don’t lay down together, even to just watch a movie.

3. He is your brother. Literally, think of him as your brother (or sister.)

4. Read the Bible together. Pray together.

5. Make a rule that one leaves the other’s house before 9:00pm.  (Agree on a time.  And stick with it.)

6. Don’t buy condoms or birth control. “Just in case,” isn’t cool.

7. Hang out with family! Get to know his/her parents.

8. Get outside, go on dates, and end the evening - go your separate ways.

9. Don’t kiss. (If you can abstain from kissing… it’s not a bad idea.)

If you have any suggestions on how to stay pure while dating, let us know in the comments. What have you done to keep your hands off your boyfriend or girlfriend?

Before this month, there was no way that I would have said anything about sexual sin. It’s so freaking uncomfortable, awkward, shameful, and gross to talk about, or even think about.

Why is it that I would rather confess that I’m a jealous prideful person, than I’m a lustful sexually perverted person?

Maybe it’s because when I confess I’m a sinner, I sometimes feel humble. Maybe it’s because I feel good when I admit that I’m a jealous person because maybe it makes other people think that I’m coming closer to Jesus… or something twisted like that.

We didn’t talk about sexual sin in my family. Even in church, the boys were addressed to be careful of sexual sin, but the pastor made it sound like girls didn’t have sexual problems. The guys were told to be careful about what their eyes let in their hearts, they were taught to look away when a sexy commercial or scene came on the T.V. The girls weren’t addressed. All I remember was ‘Girls, don’t give your heart away. Save your whole heart for your husband.’ I remember thinking No one can find out. No one can know. I have to deal with this myself.

What I needed to hear growing up was, ‘Girls, some of you stuggle with sexual sin. This is why it is sinful…’ I wonder if anything would have been different if I was open about sexual sin… Would I have still struggled as I did? Would I have been closer to Jesus? Would I have been the only girl in my youth group that was struggling with it? Would I have been an outcast if I was honest about my sins?

Women of God, if you struggle with sexual sin, you are not alone. If you feel like you have to keep it all a secret to save face, you are not alone. If you feel like you have to deal with it yourself, you are not alone. If you have shame from your past sexual sin, you’re not alone.

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from your presence,
and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
and uphold me with a willing spirit.

- from Psalm 51, written by David after he commited sexual sin with Bathsheba

Training Day.
Rocked.
Ok, more detail than that.
When it was first posted I saw “Redeeming Female Sexuality” and I was stoked, which was a little unusual for me. In general I try to avoid women’s events; so much Kleenex and crying, and blah, blah, blah. But for some reason, as soon as I saw this was coming, I knew I had to go, and was really excited about it.
From the get-go it was good, challenging and uncomfortable, but good.
I’ve been active in church for the past 8 years of my life, and I have never been to an event like this, so much was covered in such a short time that my head is still spinning a little; I love that punches weren’t pulled and that many the topics that no one really wants to talk about were brought up and held to the light. Intimacy, abuse, the lies Satan tells, masturbation, shame, habitual sin; all brought into the love and light of Jesus.

What really struck me in the midst of all the stories that were being shared and souls being bared was the incredible work and healing Jesus has done and continues to do in the lives of the women surrounding me.

On the first break I scooted into the coffee area and grabbed some things to munch on, and then sat to observe. So many women wandering through, eating, drinking, laughing, some quiet and reserved, already many faces tear stained (I think mine was too at this point. why do we wear mascara again?) but walking by these faces, they smiled back, they radiated this indescribable light, the light of Christ.

The sessions were awesome – but it was the women who shared their testimonies that really amazed me. Hearing stories of how Jesus has brought redemption, of how there is still struggle, of these beautiful women who are still in process, not perfect but being perfected. Being reminded that not only do we have an amazing and merciful Savior who knows our every hurt and wound, but we also have an amazing family in Him, one He uses to bring about healing in our lives.

The following are just a few of the things said that resonated with me.

“I do an amazing job of digging deep into others stories to deflect from mine.”

“Jesus fully has you.”

“Continue to walk in the light and share your story, no matter what the risk.”

By W. 

My story begins on September 26th, 1981.  I was born to two Christian parents who raised me in the church.  As my dad was the pastor and my mom was very involved, I spent much of my upbringing at church. Although I participated in many church activities, by the time I entered high school, the stark reality is I was not living like a Christian.  In high school I was involved in drunken parties and became sexually active.  I had become an expert at hiding my sin. 

After high school I moved to Seattle and started college.  During my second year at a Christian college my hidden sin became public-I became pregnant.  I was devastated and unsure where to turn.  I had been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half.  We met my senior year of high school and he followed me out to Seattle.   The relationship was wrong and I knew it.  He was a non-Christian and we became sexually active soon after our first date.  Although God was convicting me, I convinced myself it was okay to sleep with him because we “loved” each other.  In reality, the only way we really knew each other was physically. Finally, the sexual sin caught up to me and God gave me a big wake up call.  It was September 30th, 2000 just four days after my 19th birthday and I sat in the dormitory bathrooms getting ready to take a pregnancy test.  I figured I was pregnant because my body showed every tell tale sign.  The test showed positive as tears began to stream down my face. 

I knew I had to break the news because it could only hide for so long. I was so fearful to tell those who loved me the most-my parents and my church back home.  I was nervous that they wouldn’t love me anymore because they now knew my sin.  Additionally, I had more fears of telling my boyfriend I was pregnant.  Would he stay with me and help me raise this baby?  Would he be a good role model for my baby?  I called him, and although he had several comments about how his life would change, he never once mentioned my own life.  It took me two days to get up the nerve to call my parents.  I didn’t want to call my dad because I couldn’t stand to hear the disappointment in his voice.  I called my mom crying and decided I would move back home to Montana.  She was very gracious with her words and encouraging.  I told her that she would have to tell my dad because I was too scared.  Later that day my dad called and said “I still love you no matter what sin you have done.”  That was such a comfort to me.  It seemed like the love that God would have.  It was unconditional. 

One week later I was living back in Montana, where my boyfriend was living also.  I kept dating him, but had so much conviction in my heart.  I felt such a burden to get my life right with God and raise my child with a Christian mother.  I kept dating him, but told him that I did not want to be sexually active anymore which pretty much ended the relationship on his terms.  He came over less and always seemed to be busy with “work.” 

I continued to try to hide my sin.  I was still very fearful of telling those I loved.  I was afraid of losing them in my life.  The people I waited last to tell was my hometown church. I had been taught so much about sexual abstinence through the church and didn’t want them to know that I had turned my back on God’s commands.  Looking back I now realize that they should have been the first to know.  It was their prayers and support that helped me make it through the pregnancy. 

My pregnancy was a difficult ride.  My boyfriend became physically and emotionally abusive.  He was not interested in helping me financially.  He did pay a few doctor bills, but I remember once asking him to help my buy some maternity clothes.  His comment was “it’s not my problem that you can’t fit in your clothes.”  I was also having a bit of contention with my parents, as the disappointment settled in over time.

On May 9, 2001 I gave birth to a beautiful little girl.  As most parents, I had an overwhelming love for her and I could not understand why her father didn’t.  His focus was definitely not this new life or me.  Over time, his visits became less and further apart.  After three months of trying to change his heart I realized I couldn’t anymore and I began to lean on God.  I didn’t give myself fully to God, but was getting closer.  I felt I needed to be strong and it took me a very long time to realize that God could be my strength.  I prayed for God to open doors for me to get away.

 On September 1, 2001 I moved to a transition home in Bellevue.  It was a difficult place to live, but I am very thankful for the home as it was a stepping stone in the right direction.  A local church ran the home and made sure we stayed involved in church.  I attended this church for a few years, but my heart continued to be hard and I lived very much for myself.  I wasn’t seeking God’s will in my life, yet I had so many desires and I felt like God was not going to fulfill those desires until I began to trust in him.  One of my biggest dreams was to get married and for my little girl to have a daddy.  God reminded me many times that He was her “daddy” until the time came for me to get married.  I had several relationships and time after time kept thinking, “he is the one.”  Although they were Christian guys, I was sexually active in every relationship.  Finally, I hit the bottom and felt extremely afraid and alone. 

At this point, I had been dating a guy for a few months.  Our relationship was very rocky, I had treated him very badly, and we eventually split up.  In the past, my first instinct would have been to move on to the next guy, but for some reason, which I now recognize as God’s hand and providence, I couldn’t simply move on.  I was at such a low point in my life, and badly desired to get married.  I thought I was ready for marriage, but God knew I wasn’t.  I could not continue to live as selfishly as I had been.  God brought me through several nights of tears as I cried out to him asking him to reveal to me my own sin.  I had become very good at finding fault in others, and excusing my sin.   So, I continued to stay in contact with this man, and about two months later we started attending Mars Hill.  It was life changing for me.  The teaching was straight-forward and God began to answer my prayer and convict me of my sin.  I began to recognize the sin in my life and my deep need for God to cleanse me of that sin.  The process took quite some time.  Slowly God began to change my desires to line up with his will.  I took more time to focus on praying and reading the Bible.  The Bible had never really been real to me.  Now God’s word was not just full of suggestions for my life it was full of commands.  God had changed my heart and I wanted to learn more about him.

It has now been six years since my hidden sin became public and God’s redemption has been so freeing.  I no longer live with the abuse, selfishness and shame I had before.  Jesus has given me joy in living for him and seeing what he has done for me.  I am now married to the man I began attending Mars Hill with, and my daughter is six and has a daddy to love and care for her.  Last year, God blessed me with another child.    I thank Jesus for loving me so much to wash me clean of my sin and give me the strength to live for him. 

Having an unplanned pregnancy can be a very scary and lonely experience. The Unplanned Pregnancy Care ministry at Mars Hill is a support network and a safe place for women, both single and married. Here they can share their feelings about their pregnancy, meet others who have had the same experience, reconnect with God, and get practical help and encouragement.  We offer Biblical counsel and help connect women to community resources. The support group meets monthly and we are also available to meet one-on-one.

This ministry can be contacted by emailing care@marshillchurch.org or calling the
counseling department at (206) 706-4892.