At some point in the high-speed connection of city life, you will inevitably hear someone say to you, “You’re doing too much.”  These are opportunities to check oneself. 

There are a few questions you can ask yourself.  Some are good.  Some are bad.  Some are  ugly. (more…)

On Friday night I realized I have a lot of junk. I went to find something in the garage early in the evening and found myself five hours later surrounded by all the stuff that I’ve accumulated and stuck in the garage. A garbage can, recycling bin, and entire car-load-to-the-brim-to-Goodwill later I am feeling about 100 pounds lighter and convicted about all the extra stuff that is so easy to collect!

I can be extra sensitive to “too much stuff”, in part because of my job. I work with different clients as a personal assistant and continually find myself helping to clean-out, organize, and relocate other people’s junk. The more stuff I sell for people on eBay and Craigslist, or organize in plastic containers in storage units, or simply beg my friends to take off my hands for free, not only do I realize just how much unesscessary stuff our culture collects, but also how expensive and time-consuming it is to simply maintain or get rid of it!!

I could go on and on with examples that are both humorous and sobering, but the main question I want to pose is, Just how much stuff do you have and does it rule your life and dictate your time? Do you worship the things you have (or the things you don’t have), or do you worship Jesus? I’m not saying that having fewer things makes you more righteous or living in poverty is somehow better than gathering material possesions. I think often times people who have nothing are worshiping all the stuff they wish they had! I am saying that now more than ever its is so easy to accumulate things and have to take care of, insure, or store things. I get an overall sickening feeling when I see how much stuff I have that I don’t use or won’t use. I can thankfully say I feel like I’m well on my way to recovering from thinking that I need a lot of stuff to realizing the real cost of the things I buy and keep around.

It was really therapeutic to go through my things, face them once and for all, and realize that if I haven’t used some of them for a few months or a year, chances are I won’t miss them if I give them away. I’ll offer a few suggestions if you’d like to take a mental inventory of the stuff you have and what might be more of a drain on your time rather than adding to your life and mission:

Books
I love ‘em, I read ‘em, and recently I’ve gone back through my bookcase and started selling them on half.com. A lot of books are great to read once, but there are so many more books on my “to-read” list that I know I’ll never re-read a few of them. So far I think I’ve made about $50! Think about using the public library system more often instead of buying every new book that someone suggests…

Clothing
As a fashion design major, I could really go on and on but I won’t. Just remember that this isn’t about anyone but you. It’s not about “do I have more or less than my friend so-and-so?” but about how much do you need, wear, and use? Just be honest with yourself. I like to regularly clean out my closet and head to the consignment store with a bag. This week I went by and picked up a check for $44! More importantly, I’m really trying to be disciplined and only buy the clothes that I really love and will wear. I try to only go to a clothing store when I actually have something I need to buy, rather than going to browse to see what’s there. And unless I’m looking for something specific I never go to the clearance rack - pretty much 100% of the things I buy on clearance “because they’re a good deal” always end up going to the consignment store after being worn once or never! Another place I really avoid is the $1 section at Target. Seriously - if it’s not on my list and I don’t need it, the fact that it’s only $1 really doesn’t make it a better deal! It just means that it’s probably something cheap that I’ll end up throwing away or selling at a yard sale. I wouldn’t do that with a dollar bill and I really don’t like doing it with cheap junk imported from China…

What about clothes that are too small or you just never liked? Figure out a way to wear them starting tomorrow, or get rid of them!

Entertainment
This is different for everyone, but do you ever stop and take an inventory of the things you keep around for entertainment but never use? Music you don’t listen to, DVDs you don’t watch, etc. Time to clean them out and commit to not buying things unless they fit with your overall mission - to worship Jesus with your life and everything you have! Again, I’m not saying entertainment is bad; just that it’s really important to use moderation and not let it rule your life!

Office Supplies/Organizers/Personal Products
You know who you are! There are some of us very administrative types who love to walk through the office supply area thinking that just a few more sticky notes, paper clips, or another plastic organizer is just what we need to be organized. Nope. Use what you have, organize what you have into the containers you already have, and if you really find a need for more storage, go out and get it, but purposefully!

How about five-year-old half-used bottles of lotion, nail polish, and hair products? Clean out, clean out, clean out! And then stop buying some of everything! Decide what you like to use and need to use and stick with that.

Whew, obviously this is close to my heart, but it really saddens me to hear people say “wow I have so much stuff I really need more space.” No you don’t. You need more space when you have children, get married, start a business. You don’t need more space to hold more stuff! Remember, this is about what you are worshiping and where you time, money, and energy goes. When you buy gifts for people do you just give them stuff? Or do you give them something meaningful? One of my favorite gifts to give is a gift certificate for a massage. If I don’t give that, then I try to listen well and get something that a friend has expressed a need for. Don’t contribute to other people’s closets full of stuff!

So just in time for Spring I propose a little Spring Cleaning. As you work through the things you own ask your self “is this necessary?” And if you don’t own anything, ask yourself, “how much time do I spend thinking about all the things I want?” It’s great to use things and stuff to help you accomplish the mission set before you but remember to worship Jesus!

“Better is a little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble with it.” Proverbs 15:16

The most amazing gift I received this Christmas was a hugely humbling dose of grace that God gave me through a new project that I timidly took on and saw Him work in an amazing way.

Before you read further, I have to provide a disclaimer about myself: I hate sales, selling things, and convincing someone they need something they really don’t need. I hate waste, inefficiency, and clutter. My strengths are helping people determine what they need and then go after it in the most conservative and efficient way possible.

So knowing that, you can understand why I was really resistant when my flight attendant aunt emailed me to say that she was going to send me a bunch of pashmina scarves she picked up on some recent travels would I be interested in starting a small side business and selling scarves? No way!! I cringed at the thought of meekly peddling scarves among friends and clients . despite the fact that I knew I would be offering them for such a great price half of what a quality luxury pashmina scarf costs at a high-end department store.

Ironically in the same week that I got my aunt’s email I also heard from a friend who had recently been on a mission trip to India and spent time providing free eye and dental care in the House of Hope mission compound. As I spoke with her she passionately shared about a wonderful program she learned about during her trip.

I was reduced to tears as she shared the story of dozens of women who attend a sewing micro-enterprise school in the House of Hope compound where in six months they learn the valuable skills needed to begin their own sewing. At the end of the program they are given a sewing machine and business advice and return to their village to grow their business and support themselves. She told me the personal stories of several women who had been widowed or abandoned and left to make a living by prostitution or who eventually died or were killed because they had no way of earning a living.

My heart cried for these girls (more…)

Most women have a story of heartbreak they could share with you if you ask them. Our tender feminine souls can be so easily hurt, disappointed, and crushed. Stories of heartbreak are many, but each is unique and important because each tear and each dashed dream is the opportunity for redemption by a Savior who loves our delicate, sweet souls which long to be loved, adored, and cherished.

So while my story is not uncommon or special, it is my story and I want to share it with you. Because in this last year my soul has hoped and dreamed and has been disappointed and hurt. And in all that, my pain has been redeemed by Jesus who has made beauty from the ashes of my life.

My story is one probably familiar to many of you who have experience something similar. I loved a man who did not return my love the way I hoped and prayed he would. For a year and a half as I worked along side him, I had 100% - in my job and in our friendship. I wrongly allowed myself to not have clear, firm boundaries in my mind, and I hoped that someday he would recognize how much I truly loved him.

I believed that through sacrifice and dying to myself, and manipulation I could cause him to love and adore me. “I just need to be patient,” I would tell myself … but what I needed was to be honest with myself and with him about how I truly felt.

For months I let myself “read-in” to things he would say and do, convinced that despite the fact he clearly said he wasn’t pursuing me, I knew I could try harder to do, to be, and to look perfect, … or whatever it was that he wanted me to be.

To some of my readers this may sound silly and extreme, but to some I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. How easy it is for us as women to involve ourselves with a man and become deceived, thinking that if only our spirit was a little more gentle and quiet, or our figure a little more shapely, or our disposition a little more charming, then “he,” whoever “he” is in your life, would finally see us for what we truly are and realize his life is incomplete without us.

This is not easy for me to write. Even now, many months after I finally faced my emotional impropriety and my dishonesty with myself with this man and with the many close friends in my life, even now it is hard for me to look at the whole situation because I see so clearly where I was wrong. I don’t want to speak here to the role of a man in a relationship where, although seemingly innocent and appropriate physically, there is much inappropriate emotional intimacy without commitment. I do believe there is a whole conversation around that, and plenty to be said from a Biblical perspective to men who play with women’s hearts, who think that because their pants are on that no harm is being done. But that conversation is for another time and place, and not something that I even want to address.

What I would like to say though, is that heartache is real and that sometimes it can be avoided by having discernment and practicing some clear boundaries. And above all, it can be avoided by being brutally honest about our thoughts, motivations and the desires of our heart.

Beyond that, I want to share with you that even through the pain of disappointment, there can be healing and restoration and Jesus doesn’t want any of his daughters to be sitting in a place of pain, guilt or despair.

For me, the process of healing from this unhealthy relationship began by being brutally honest and forthright about my emotions and desires. I had to risk what felt was everything in order to restore first my relationship with God and second my relationship with my friend. I risked my future, my feelings, and a friendship but looking back now I can honestly say that it was so worth the risk. I sat my friend down and explained how I felt, and told him in no uncertain words what my desires were. I explained I could no longer work with him and was resigning my position. In those moments I felt as though I had lost everything. This is what is so sad to me looking back, because had I been in a right place in my relationship with Jesus I would never have come to this place where this fantastical relationship was paramount and unrealistic. When I say I was honest, I mean it. I literally proposed marriage to him, and he graciously turned me down.

So for the next few months I processed a lot. I had tried so hard to be something else, to be something better. I felt unwanted, unattractive, and unloved. I had to (slowly) through prayer and much conversation realize that I was looking for love in the wrong place and I had to let Jesus love me with his perfect love in order to feel whole again. Let’s just say … NOT an easy process!

And so I took up dancing.

I didn’t take up dancing as a way to “get over” my feelings or to fill my time so that I just didn’t have time to think about my dreams which seemed lost. I just happened to start taking salsa dancing lessons and have since realized that even this fun recreational activity fit completely into God’s plan for my life at this moment. In the midst of feeling sorry for myself, feeling out-of-control of a situation where I HAD felt some control, and feeling discouraged, alone, and unlovely, I began to dance and dance, and through dancing I began to work out and work through some of the toughest issues of my femininity and spirituality.

This form of therapy in my life came from a surprising source, a dance partner who will remain unnamed. I have a huge debt to this man who I met in my dance class because of the way he has refused to play games with my heart over the last months. I was at a point where I was sick of games and sick of thinking my feelings weren’t valid. We began to dance more and more together, outside of class, every chance we got, yet without any emotional relationship. Our relationship was, and still is, strictly dancing. We meet at our favorite place, enjoy a few hours of salsa, and part ways, sometimes saying fewer than 20 or 30 words all evening. I have never felt more respected or more feminine than when I dance with my dance partner.

The absence of games in our relationship, and the intense practice of strong male and female roles, has produced this healing process that has helped me feel beautiful, graceful, and feminine once again. Dancing takes great discipline on both parts. As a woman I find it hard to follow, to wait patiently for the subtle cues from my partner that tell me which way to turn, which way to spin, which foot to move before the other. I often want to dance on my own, out of turn, which always just results in a mess and confusion. It’s also hard sometimes to step up and respond when my partner moves one way or another. But song after song I know Jesus’ love for me more intimately than the last.

So for me, this unusual relationship has built so much confidence and humility back into my life. I have had few other relationships with any men which didn’t involve some game, flirting, or manipulation. But when I dance, I feel as though I dance alone before God, and I feel his pleasure. I sense my femininity so strongly and am able to embrace who God has made me to be, because dancing makes me feel beautiful.

I’m not approaching dancing as some women approach food or exercise after ending a painful relationship. I do not want dancing to fill a need that I have for adoration and love just as God doesn’t want us as women to try to fill our needs by over-eating or starving ourselves. But I do feel as though for me, dancing is a way to be quiet and focused, and to allow myself to be led. And so I am thankful; I am thankful for a Savior who loves me enough to convict me that I am worth more than a man who plays games with my heart. I am thankful for my femininity and emotions, even though they drive me insane when I don’t surrender them daily to the Lord.

I am thankful for the freedom to move and dance, and for the beauty of a relationship where there is a designated leader and a designated follower. And just like a line from one of my favorite movies that says “No games, just sports” … I am thankful for salsa because my experience has truly been … no games, just dancing.

I like the way that Pastor Mark explains how to have a healthy perspective of righteousness and riches in this sermon. He explains how individuals can fit into one of four categories: righteous or unrighteous poor, and righteous or unrighteous rich. After reading the sermon notes for this particular topic I found myself making a comparison between wealth and style and how we as believers can fit into the same four categories in our approach to personal style.

Just as some people are blessed with more riches than others, some of us are blessed with more of a sense of style than others. I’ll take that thought one step further … some of us are just more in tune to certain elements of culture than others. And just as we shouldn’t treat the possession or lack of wealth as a “good” or “bad” thing, the issue of fashion shouldn’t be an issue of whether or not as individuals we posses a natural sense of style but instead what we do with what we have been given!

I often find myself envying friends who are familiar with popular music; they can pick just the right song, create an awesome mix for a road trip, and sing along to just about anything. I’m lucky if I can remember the name of a song after I’ve heard it ten times - no joke! Some people know all the latest trends in movies, clothes, technology, and entertainment. Others are great artists or musicians … and some people just have an amazing appreciation for under-appreciated aspects of culture. for example, my best friend has a fascination with graffiti tag artists, especially those who frequent Ballard. Her appreciation for this unique (and admittedly destructive) expression of individuality has opened my soul to seeing culture, art, and style in a whole new light.

The aspect of culture that I engage with the most is fashion. I love to express my mood, change my personality, and communicate through what I wear. I love to study others’ apparel - you can learn a lot about a person by observing how conscious they are of what they wear and how they dress. I truly believe that fashion and appearance are major ways that we communicate, whether or not we want to acknowledge it. And since we all wear clothing, fashionable or not, style is an issue we all deal with; some more aggressively and others more passively. Among the women I know clothing, fashion, and appearance can be a big deal. Some people consider it a faux pas to wear anything but the latest styles, and they spend hours searching for the right clothing and accessories, letting their desire to be put-together and fashionable dictate their free-time and the way they spend their money. Other women prefer to not even think about what clothing they put on, whether it matches, fits, or communicates anything about them other than, “I don’t care what I look like because I’m so spiritual that I can’t be distracted by things so trivial as attractive clothing.”

I would challenge you today to consider how you think about your appearance. Do you think about it a lot? Do you think about it little? Do you spend the majority of your time contemplating how to improve your appearance, wishing you looked differently or like someone else, or coveting clothing or resources that others have and you don’t? Do you feel trapped, wishing you could dress a certain way or buy certain things, but feel guilty because of the misconception that says godly women shouldn’t try to be outwardly beautiful?

I am young and have a lot to learn, but from my short limited experience, I would like to say that I believe God has given us different gifts, different abilities, and different ways to engage our culture. In the same way we can fall into the “Righteous Rich” and “Unrighteous Rich” categories, we can also fall into the categories of “Righteous Style” and “Unrighteous Style.” Rather than just looking at our outward appearance when it comes to fashion and style, we need to look more at our motivations and thoughts surrounding dress and appearance.

I have a few friends for whom dressing well comes so easily it’s basically second nature for them. They are able to shop and dress without much thought and really do enjoy putting together fun outfits. Without obsessing about clothing, how they appear, or what they’re going to wear every day for the next three weeks, they are righteously able to look great out of a pure heart without giving this area of their life more attention than is necessary. For others, having a stylish appearance is of little concern: they neither obsess about it nor spend a lot of time thinking about it. They have a sort of “Righteous Non-Style” … they also don’t give an unnecessary amount of thought or attention to their clothing and are able to be content expressing themselves through other creative avenues.

Then there are those of us who fall into the unrighteous categories. I have to admit that I more often than not fall into the “Unrighteous Style” category, although in the last few years God has really delivered me from some of my vanity and shallowness to realize that I need to spend my time, energy, and money for His glory rather than mine. In my weaker moments I can take my obsession with appearance so far as to plan my wardrobe for days or weeks in advance. Without a conscious effort to focus my thoughts on things above my mind wanders to thinking of shoes, shirts, dresses, and this always takes me to a place of discontent. I find I’m much happier when I don’t go clothes shopping. When I see what I can have but I don’t, my heart covets and my relationship with Jesus becomes distant.

So for me having an attitude of “Righteous Style” means that I can dress up, dress down, go shopping, but it all has to be within reason. As soon as I realize that I’m late for church because I am in the midst of my seventh outfit change then I’ve stepped into the realm of Unrighteous Style. I can also go without fashion: some days I dress simply and skip makeup. On those days I really have to then put my appearance out of my mind and remember that I’m fasting from beauty for a while. Otherwise as soon as I feel discontent with the way I look I fall into an attitude of “Unrighteous Non-Style” … looking grungy and feeling discontent.

For me, this will be a life-long learning process: how to dress like a beautiful feminine woman without letting myself spend too much time thinking about what I look like. And how to encourage others to do the same; as women it’s easy to fall into a place of wanting to experience worth and value and others’ love for us ONLY when we feel we deserve it and “look” like we are valuable and lovable. But I would challenge and encourage you to leave this attitude behind and meditate on what it means in your life to have righteous style. Keep reading more on this subject here. And finally, one more great article for women and men alike.

 By Elizabeth Pak

God blessed us with our first child - a beautiful, healthy daughter - on August 10th of 2006. After a quick delivery and short hospital stay, we brought our precious baby home. My mother came to stay with us and help us get adjusted. My husband Samson took a week off work to be with his new family. Friends and well wishers brought us meals and cooed over little Kayla. For a month, we lived in a whirlwind bubble of bliss and newborn cries and casseroles. It was wonderful.

Finally, after everything had settled down and my maternity leave was coming to a close, I did what I had been waiting to do for three years. I quit my job. I came home. I answered God’s call to be a wife and mother, to be home where my family needed me. It was a desire that God had been putting on my heart since we came to Mars Hill in the fall of 2004. I had been looking forward to it since my wedding day, anticipating it my whole pregnancy. I wanted to go to mom groups, to make fancy dinners. To have a daily devotional, to attend a women’s bible study. To clean out our spare closet and scrapbook all our old vacation photos. God was leading me home and I was ready.

And then it happened. Or rather, it didn’t happen. For years I had been waiting for the chance when I could finally leave the workforce. Week after week, month after month, I had listened eagerly to the encouragement of my family in Christ. Serve your husbands! Love your children! Yes, yes, I thought. That’s what I want!

Proverbs 14:1 - “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.”

I read and heard countless stories of other Mars Hill moms who left the workforce to come home.  They were overjoyed, at peace, enjoying their children and loving their husbands, busy with ministries and the daily tasks of nurturing a family and household. I longed for that feeling of freedom, to do what God had truly designed me to do. I found encouragement in their stories and in the sermons and women’s teachings. When my time came, I felt fully equipped.

My mom went back home. Samson returned to work. We ate all the casseroles we could and froze what we couldn’t. I slowly settled into a daily routine with my baby. I was doing it! I was living the life. I took Kayla to baby classes. I joined a women’s bible study and a PEPS group. Samson was wonderful. He came home from work on time every day. He watched Kayla for me so I could have time for myself. He took me on dates every other week. The phrases I had heard so often over the past three years echoed in my head.

“We are plowing a counter culture!”
“It is a high honor to be a wife and mother!”
“I couldn’t be happier!”

But I couldn’t relate. I was miserable. I felt isolated. I missed my job. I missed my old work friends. I missed commuting. I missed my morning Starbucks drive through. My husband was taken care of. My daughter was thriving. But I was going crazy. I felt like my brain was rotting with every load of laundry I did. Every morning I woke up dreading the day and how I would fill the hours, regardless of how many activities I had planned. I was filled with resentment, bitterness, and discontentment.

Isaiah 59:2 - “But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.”

In September, a month after our daughter was born, God blessed us yet again. Samson was offered a job and came on staff at Mars Hill. An amazing opportunity and one we had been praying for and yet I was immediately seized with fear. Great, I thought. I could keep up the happy housewife façade with my husband and friends, but under the watchful eye of an entire church? I would surely buckle under the pressure. Everyone would know how much I loathed being home. How would people react when they knew the truth? They would be shocked at my worldliness. They would shake their heads at my husband’s inability to shepherd his wife.

I grew increasingly angry with God. This isn’t how it was supposed to be! Where was my peace? Where was the joy and relief that I was supposed to feel? Hadn’t God called me home? Hadn’t he impressed this on my heart? I was surrounded by a wonderful supportive community. My husband was the most appreciative doting father, my daughter was the happiest sweetest baby, my friends were always there to guide me and walk with me. This is what I wanted, right? This was the calling that God had made me for. I was designed to be a mother to my child, a helper suitable to my husband.

I believed it in my head but I didn’t feel it in my heart. I was ashamed and shocked at myself. I was so disgusted with the ugly and horrendous condition of my heart that I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my husband. It was a secret sin that I harbored within myself. And the longer I kept my secret, the more the sin grew. I began to resent my husband and daughter for needing me. I grew bitter towards women who could answer God’s calling with a joyful heart when I could not. I knew what I was feeling was wrong, but I couldn’t confess it because by now I felt my sin was too great.  I had been feeding it for too long and it had grown out of control.

James 1:15 - “But then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

I was sick of my sin. I wanted it to go away. I prayed for conviction. I prayed for godly sorrow and not worldly sorrow. I prayed that I would serve my husband and raise my daughter for God’s glory and not my own.  I prayed that God would take these idols of self-righteousness from my heart. I prayed that I would live for Jesus and Jesus alone. God answered my prayer but He did not take away my sin.

I confessed to my husband. At first, Samson was shocked and hurt. He didn’t understand. Hadn’t he appreciated me? Hadn’t he been there? Loved me? Listened when I needed listening to? Understood when I needed understanding? Yes, he had. Then why was I feeling this way? I didn’t know. I did know, but I couldn’t tell him. It was too ugly to say out loud. I couldn’t tell him that I was a sinner who loved my own sin, even if it did lead to death. It wasn’t enough to be valued by God and to have my identity in Christ. I wanted the world to value me. I didn’t want to be appreciated for scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I wanted to be validated by a pay check and the empty praise from others “in my field.”

And so I confessed, but it was still a partial confession. I couldn’t reveal to Samson the depths of my sin. I had peeked a toe into the light and it was too bright to my liking. I retreated back to the darkness.

Acts 26: 17b-18 - “I am sending you to them to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.”

Meanwhile, my husband prayed for me. He sought out wisdom from older, wiser men. He redoubled his efforts. Samson had always been a good husband and father. Now he was an excellent husband, an amazing father. He held me accountable when I was resentful. Things got a little better. I was reconnecting to my husband; I was finding joy in the daily tasks of my life. But God is a jealous God. I had only partially confessed, I had only partially repented. And God doesn’t want a partial confession or partial repentance. He wanted all of me. I longed for sanctification and comfort from the Lord, but I wasn’t willing to give myself up. The sin continued to fester in my heart.

Months past and I confessed to my husband again. If he was hurt and shocked the first time, he was devastated and frustrated the second time. Didn’t I see the destructiveness of my patterns? Yes. Hadn’t I been miserable while I was working? Didn’t I long to be home with my daughter? Yes. Yes! This is where God had called me! My body was in the right place but my heart still wasn’t.   Samson didn’t understand. He had thought things were getting better. I had seemed happy enough. I was making steps. I was having good days. But the truth was, I wasn’t really making any progress at all. I was a thorn bush masquerading as a fruit tree, nailing apples to my branches but harboring the seeds of worldly sorrow in my heart where only God could see.

The confession was hard on our marriage, but it was my first step in the right direction. God demands us to call our sin by its name and to confess it. By sharing my sin fully with my husband, I was stepping into the light. I was no longer hiding the evil parts of my heart. I was still a sinner, but I was free from my sin.

Galatians 5:1 - “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Time passed, and I began to change, slowly but surely. I still struggled with being at home, but I no longer felt trapped by my sinful heart. Now that Samson knew the realness of my depravity, he could truly walk with me like God had intended. For the first time since the birth of our daughter, we were one flesh.

This past May, the Reforming the Feminine blog at Mars Hill came out. In the most loving way possible, Samson began pestering me. Write for the blog? I was seized with fear. I had confessed my sin to my husband, to my God, but to my family in Christ? I had thought I had been open about the condition of my heart, but suddenly, the thousands of people I had still been lying to came into view and I was saddened.

I didn’t know if I could handle exposing my sin. I could already see the reaction of horror and outrage of the church. If I was disgusted with myself, I couldn’t imagine how others would view me. Would they be indignant? Separate themselves from me? Did anyone else struggle with sin the way I did? Certainly no one I knew. All the ladies I had encountered had joyfully submitted themselves to God’s will in their lives. I thought of Samson’s position on Mars Hill’s staff and the upcoming reorganization. My husband would surely lose his job once everyone knew what a wretched wife he had. We’d have to find a new church. Sell our house. I imagined Samson working 60 hour weeks stocking shoes at Nordstrom while I tidied our immaculate tent city campsite and felt sick to my stomach.

And what about the mission of Mars Hill? We were here to glorify Jesus and the God-given roles that he had designed us for. We were supposed to be living our lives in order to commend the gospel.

Titus 2:5 - “…to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t think my current state was very gospel commending. I thought of the other people that would read my story. Weren’t they waiting for someone like me? People were good enough at twisting the truth when they heard true stories of redemption. Just wait until they heard about the unhappy housewife, the struggling stay-at-home mom. The perfect poster child to prove the gospel really didn’t transform lives and maybe Seattle didn’t need Jesus. I could see the blogosphere going crazy over this one.

As I write this, my daughter is 10 months old. I have been home for 9 of those 10. God has led me home. He has remained faithful to me as I have turned away from him. He has given me joy with my daughter and love from my husband when I have been undeserving. I wish I could say that I have conquered this sin, and that my heart is no longer wayward. That I truly live to glorify God in the role that he has given me. I long for that day, but it hasn’t come yet.  Yes, I have been freed from my sin. I have brought it into the light for everyone to see. God is working his redemptive work in me and I am prayerfully allowing him to transform my heart. But I am still a sinner. I still desire affirmation in the eyes of the world. I am still rebellious towards God’s will for my life.  There are still days when I am not living in grace, and I am still white knuckling my way through.

I wish I could have written this blog from the other side, a triumphant woman of God who had answered her calling and had peace with the Lord.  Part of me was tempted to wait until I could, but I am not sure how long that will be, and truthfully the day when I am no longer a sinner will not be a day that articles like this will still be relevant.

Lord, I thank you for giving me life and for loving me first. Thank you for giving me grace when I was undeserving. Thank you for knowing me in my sin. You have given me what I needed when I have asked for what I wanted. You have blessed me when I was undeserving and have shown me patience in my self-righteousness. Thank you for being a jealous God who desires true transformation and not just outward obedience. Thank you for continuing your work in me. I long for the day when it will be finished and I can truly be reconciled to you. I pray that I will love You above all others and that I would worship the one true God. I pray that I will give my whole heart to you. I pray for sanctification. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for grace. Thank you for your glory. Amen.

2 Timothy 2:12-13 - “If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful –  for he cannot deny himself.”

So the truth is that while I love being part of Mars Hill because of their commitment to Scripture, amazing organization, and (of course!) my community group, none of the above is reasons why I ultimately decided to fellowship at this church. What really caught my attention and made this church stand out from other churches and ministries I have been a part of is Mars Hill’s commitment and teaching to men. Yes really!

As a woman, I so appreciate the consistent messages that challenge the men in our congregation. And in the earliest days of my attendance, I agreed with the theology, was able to connect with the community, but essentially I realized that the kind of man I want to marry is exactly the kind of man who Pastor Mark describes each time he encourages men to be leaders. (But please do not think that I’m here to find a husband because I’m not!) I personally find such relief when men are encouraged to step up and assume their Biblical role of manhood, because I feel free to be a woman and all that that entails.

That’s where things really get interesting! What does Biblical Womanhood really involve? I am constantly seeking to discover how I define myself as a woman and am often disappointed at the sources of my definition of womanhood. But as I learn and spend time with wiser women than myself, I am really having fun discovering my value and purpose as a woman. I would encourage you to do the same ask yourself how you define womanhood, or who you are letting define it for you. How do you define beauty and who do you allow to influence your thoughts about your appearance and your worth?

My job lets me constantly interact with the crazy industry known as fashion design. When I say crazy, I really mean it! The values preached in the “religion” of fashion are basically completely opposite of Biblical values. I am saddened to realize how much this vain business has contributed to women defining themselves by all the wrong things! 
By believing the lie that appearance is everything, women begin to believe their worth is measured by physical beauty. Instead of feeling shame over our sinful soul, we feel shamed because we are overweight, our skin is imperfect, or our clothes are less than stylish. Our gentle feminine soul that longs for affection and affirmation gets distracted by the desire to appear beautiful and be loved, and so we sell ourselves short becoming consumed with the physical, rather than with the eternal.

Now don’t misunderstand me and think that I’m am opposed to wearing fun clothes or looking nice. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely love style and elegance. I think that my love for all things cute and fashionable and expensive makes me especially aware of the wrong attitudes and motivations so closely associated with fashion and the feminine soul. I love when I see women expressing their individuality in their clothing and appearance not because they are trying to conform, but because they sense God’s pleasure in creativity, beauty, and femininity. 

It saddens me when I hear women speaking shamefully of their appearance: signs of aging, extra pounds from pregnancy, clothing from a previous season . women our lists are endless when it comes to areas we criticize about the way we look! However these things are so natural and part of life not forces to fight against and bemoan, but aspects of life to accept with grace! Not easy, I know I will struggle along with the women I love for the rest of my life with comparing the way I look to other women and to what our culture and the fashion industry says is sexy and beautiful. But each time I experience a moment of discontent and selfish desire to be impossibly perfect I remind myself that Jesus’ heart for me as a woman is to have a gentle and quiet spirit. A spirit that appreciates and enjoys my beauty and femininity, and at the same time does not dwell on what I do not have or how I do not look or what I would like to change about my appearance.

To read another short article on our worth as women and the lies we believe about our appearance, click here.

Reforming the Feminine. You’re invited to join a handful of Mars Hill women as they exchange their ashes for beauty, fear for strength, mourning for gladness, filth for purity. This is where all that stuff we hear in church and read from our Bibles and know about Jesus in our heads… finds its way into the moments when we’re stuck in traffic, annoyed at work, can’t find our kids at the park, and we feel unloveable and stupid. This is the battlefield of the old woman vs. the new woman. Who will win? It could be ugly. It could be hilarious. It will definitely be humbling… but:

“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” (Phil. 1:6)

And who are these women writing? They’ll do a better job introducing themselves soon, but let me give you the brief…

Candice recently joined Mars Hill Church through the Doxa West Seattle church changeover, is also recently married, and recently re-discovered her faith. She regularly attends the Ballard campus and ministers with the worship department.

Wendy Alsup is a deacon at Mars Hill Church who has attended for several years and manages much of Women’s Ministry and teaches women’s Capstone classes and at women’s events. She regularly attends the West Seattle campus with her husband and two sons.

Hannah is a new member and a recent graduate of Whitworth with a degree in Communications. She enjoys academic and social research and is a great writer and thinker. She regularly attends the Ballard campus.

Cambria is a member of Mars Hill Church regularly attending the Ballard campus. She is currently an instructor of fashion design at two post-secondary schools in Seattle and operates her own business providing personal assistant services to clients whose business ranges from real estate to fashion styling. 

Laurel is a Washington State native, though only more recently from Seattle. She was raised as a homeschooler, and never met Jesus until a few years ago. She is the only Christian in her family currently, and she possesses a fresh perspective on Christianity that a lot of us “church kids” lack. Laurel regularly attends the Ballard campus.

And I’m Adriel Ifland, this blog’s administrator. I’ve been attending Mars Hill Church for 2 years and am a Seattle native. I work at a missions organization, but am often spending spare time at Mars Hill, helping with the Breakfast Club, sound, or anywhere else that needs help. I recently became a deacon and regularly attend the Ballard campus.

Who’s up first? Look for something from Deacon Wendy Alsup tomorrow…