I was emailing a friend this week, and I actually burst out laughing when I typed that.  It was like seeing truth in a new light, and I couldn’t help myself.  It caused me to reflect on all the healing that Jesus had effected in my life, because three little words can change your life.  Remember the most famous?  ”It is finished.”  (John 19:30).

In a twisted simile with the same connotation, 3 little words changed my life forever following a confrontation with my husband after exposing his extramarital affair.  A fairly new Christian, I remember sitting on my knees on the bed, thinking, ”I can’t believe how much worse life has gotten since I gave my life to Jesus!”  Minutes later, 3 little words from my beloved’s lips would haunt me for a very long time.  I will never forget the tone, the pitch, the pause, the delivery, the articulation. 

The answer.

“Don’t you love me anymore?”

(four second pause)

“No.  I don’t.”

Everything was slow motion, so it wasn’t like feeling an immediate, vicious puncture wound.  The incision through my heart was premeditated; a slow, deliberate slash.  Almost methodical.  But it was a dagger gash.  Messy.  Very messy for my children and I.  The words would wash in an out like the tide, for a long time.  

Fast forward.  Separation.  Divorce.  His new marriage would propel a journey of single parenting my then 2 and 3 year old for seven years.  My heart wound began a tumultuous cycle.   Scab, fester, heal, infect.  Scab, fester, heal, infect.  An occasional bust open.  Like the time my little boy asked the UPS man if he was his daddy.  That one took a long time to stitch up.

Fast forward.

Bliss!  My savior had arrived!  A terrific Christian man who wanted to marry me!  Reducing my previous marriage to worldly love, I knew this man would bring me closer to the ideallic Mary Poppins marriage I had dreamed of.  You know, practically perfect in every way.  We were both Christian, after all.

Fast forward. 

 A handful of Christian women studying The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace.  (A great book on wife-ing.)  We are studying the chapter on sex, and the leader naively passes me by (with my second trimester belly) by commenting, “Well, obviously you have no problems in this department!”  Do they notice that everyone is laughing but me?  No, they don’t.  Because, despite my Mary Poppins smile, I am working a familiar pattern.  Scab, fester, heal, infect.  Scab, fester, heal, infect…

* * *

In each of our lives, the drama of sin and suffering plays itself out.  It may be a secret struggle that is growing more difficult.  It may be a relationship that is increasingly conflicted.  The horrors of the past rear their ugly heads.

Honesty compels us to admit that we are people who need help, surrounded by people in the same situation.  There are things inside of us that simply don’t go away.  We do wrong things, feel regret, confess them, resolve not to repeat them, but, in the heat of the moment, go on to exactly what we promised ourselves we wouldn’t.

God has called us to be part of His kingdom work, but he hasn’t given us a phoney Mary Poppins polish, or a quick pamphlet, “5 Steps to the Perfect Relationship.”  He has told us to place our hope in the presence and work of Jesus the Redeemer.  We find we are utterly dependent on His power and wisdom for change in any of our relationships, because “We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way” (Is. 53:6).  It was completely encouraging when, during a time of complete humility and failure, Jesus reminded me that all mankind, all marriages, were in the same boat as me, really, and that no matter what any marriage looked like on the outside, no matter how much lacquer a couple may goop on, the truth remains we are all selfish, sinful wives married to selfish sinful husbands.  Their transparency was irrelevant on some level.  What I believed about Jesus and how I aligned my mind with Scripture would be the only important difference.

My husband and I have stumbled, tripped, lost many battles, and yet are winning the war.  Our marriage is tight and growing tighter, despite the fact that from time to time we blame each other for our own sins, as well as the past sins of others. 

The Christian life is a long obedience in the same direction.  The Bible is more than an encyclopedia of therapeutic insights, like,  ”Where can I find a verse on (fill in the blank)”.  Our only hope in any relationship rests on the Person, Jesus Christ, and His salvation plan to rescue us.  We are quicker to the cross as a couple, and more willing to be humiliated in front of one another.  I have watched my husband go from a deflated football, to the winningest QB in our home.  As a couple, we are hopeless and helpless as husband and wife, man and woman.  We need rescue from our own self-sufficiency and wisdom and a transport to a kingdom where Jesus is central and true hope is alive. 

I am haunted more often by the Bible and words of God, than the foolish words of man.  ”No.  I don’t“, holds absolutely no power anymore.  When Pastor Mark was teaching through Nehemiah, God reminded me to,   “Have a mind to work, Shelly, on your relationships.”  (Nehemiah 4:6).   Which incidentally is a great prayer.    

We feel as if we have a permanent trowel in one hand (building our home for Jesus fame), and a sword in the other (exalting and living and believing the Word).  (Nehemiah 4:17).  We’ve made dozens of marriage and parenting mistakes.  And still, we win the war.  A long obedience in the same direction, and knowing our community at Mars Hill Church is all doing the same, and no one has a Mary Poppins marriage.  

Pastor Mark’s new series on The Peasant Princess, in Song of Songs is sure to scratch a few scabs for all of us.  I know in the end it will encourage more growth, more humility, and deeper love in all of our relationships, because worldly love is our default under a Curse.

Thank you Jesus Christ, for picking off the scabs.  For saving me from myself, from hurting my husband, and for eternity.

Thank you Pastor Mark, for your undaunting love of Scripture, uncovering festers in our marriages. 

Thank You, Father God, for a design to heal us.

Use us, sweet Jesus through the Holy Spirt, to give us (as C.S. Lewis put it), the Good Infection to others around.

Thank you that I can laugh at the title of this post.  And be eternally thankful that it’s true.

Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed;

Save me and I will be saved,

For Thou art my praise.

Jeremiah 17:14

By Tera Miller 

Editor’s note: Tera Miller loves Jesus, is a Mars Hill Member at the Ballard Campus, is a hilarious Cranium teammate, and wrote for the former Vox Pop Magazine. She is real and she is gutsy. Look for more to come.

When I was first invited to go to a Korean women’s day spa, I was elated at the idea of soaking in therapeutic whirlpools with hydro jets, breathing in the aromas of the Mugwart steam sauna, and meditating in one of the heated rooms lined with different elements like jade, sand or clay.  I could almost feel my skin getting smoother by the second!

But when I learned that it was a naked spa, I literally heard the record player scratch in my head and the music suddenly go silent.  NAKED?  Are you for real?  How naked are we talking?  Well, apparently, naked means nothing but a pink fabric shower cap over your hair and a bracelet with your locker key around your wrist.  That’s pretty naked by my standards.

You see, Korean bath houses are a centuries-old tradition, beneficial for (more…)

OBSESSION, according to Wiktionary:   A compulsive or irrational preoccupation.  An unhealthy fixation.

I used to think of obsessions as categoric childhood folly.  I had put them away (more…)

My name is Wendy Alsup, and I am Deacon of Women’s Theology and Teaching at Mars Hill. Adriel, the blog administrator, asked me to write something about myself. I had a fairly long bio written out, detailing the path the Lord used to bring me from South Carolina to ministry at Mars Hill. But I’ve decided instead to write literally about who I am TODAY. In the past, the Lord has taught me beautiful things about Himself through well-defined trials with obvious beginning and ending points. But, TODAY, I am experiencing a “trial” that my husband calls “death by a 1000 paper cuts.” God has blessed me with a loving husband, 2 beautiful young boys, a nice home, and a vibrant ministry at church. And, yet, the very things I’ve longed for in home and ministry now threaten to crush me under the weight of daily responsibility.

I miscarried my first pregnancy and did not get pregnant again for a while. I immediately became convinced I would never get pregnant and began the intense emotional struggle faced by women battling infertility. We were planning Mars Hill’s first event on the issue of infertility when my pregnancy test came up positive. I was stunned. Oh how I wanted this baby!! Now, this little blessing is a precocious 2 ½ year old who was quickly followed by his 11 month old brother, who is triply precocious as the first. If there is a gate to be opened, a toy car to be stolen, or a gummy bear to be eaten off of someone else’s plate, my boys take advantage of it. My husband and I seem relatively calm people. How did we end up with 2 little guys who must touch and try everything?!

I have a master’s degree in math education. I’ve taught adults at our local community college for the last 5 years and high school students the 5 years before that. I love my tiny boys dearly, but I’m an adult educator and feel constantly behind in learning where they should be in their development. When do I switch from baby foods to solids? Do 2 year olds understand cause and effect? Does my 11 month old understand “No” yet?

So, TODAY, I am a well-humbled wife and mom. I battle feelings of failure daily. When an activity meant to entertain and stimulate ends up being the catalyst for yet another baby meltdown. When my well-planned day disintegrates into chaos because I forgot some important piece of baby gear. When my friends seem to handle the stress so much better than I do.

And, TODAY, I fall upon the gospel. I have to remember daily that my worth is not found in competing with my friends at this stage of life. My worth is not found in producing stellar little models of self-restraint. My worth is found at the foot of the cross. Jesus’ punishment on the cross has bought me peace, and by His wounds I am healed (Isaiah 53). He is the way, the truth, and the life. He doesn’t just show me the way. He IS the way. Jesus is the vine and I am the branch-and apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15). It’s not a competition. I don’t measure myself by my sisters in Christ who seem to have it all together. I am in Jesus, for Jesus, and by Jesus. “He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together (myself and my boys included).” Colossians 1:17.

Bottom line, I need Jesus. And there is only 1 book in the world that has first hand accounts of His life. EVERY other writing ever recorded on earth about Jesus is either mere speculation or based directly on the Bible. So saying I need Jesus is synonymous to saying I need the Bible. Jesus is the Word (John 1), and all we know of Him is contained in the Word.

So, right now, I daily throw myself on Jesus. Practically speaking, this means that the first semi-calm moment of the day (which I usually use to vacuum, unload the dishwasher, or check my email), I now sit down with my ESV journaling Bible and read the gospel of Luke. Since I really need the GOSPEL right now, it made sense to me to read through the Gospels themselves. When I finish with Luke, I’ll probably start John. I have loved reading of Jesus-rebuking the Pharisees, calling out to Zacheus, patiently teaching His disciples. Sometimes I only get 1 minute before the boys have lost interest in Go, Diego, Go and chaos breaks out anew. But even 1 minute spent staring up in His face makes all the difference in the world to my sanity at this stage.

Please don’t let this discourage you concerning children. This is just a particularly intense stage of life for me. In a few minutes, I’ll go up and hug my sleeping boys. The 2 year old may wake up and talk to me for a bit. I LOVE those late conversations with him that are only mildly understandable. But I do want to be honest that as a 37-year-old Bible college graduate deacon of women’s stuff at Mars Hill Church, I have never needed to daily meditate on the gospel and focus on the beauty of Jesus Himself like I do RIGHT NOW. To keep my sanity. To be a good steward of the gifts God’s given me. To fight off Satan the Accuser. To find peace and rest.

“Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to Thy cross I cling;”

Rock of Ages, Augustus Toplady

P. S. If this resonates with you, you may enjoy listening to Pastor Mark’s recent sermon from Nehemiah on the “joy of the Lord is your strength“.

Everything about me shouts, “new Seattleite” or at least, small-town-kid-turned-college-grad. Our city still just fascinates me. A few weekends ago, as temperatures rose above 80 degrees, I found myself joining 40 or so strangers in shorts at Gasworks Park. I spread out my red fleece blanket, read a few pages of a book, and pretended to watch the boats glide across Lake Union to disguise my people watching. That seemed normal enough, though I think I might have been the only one secretly thinking that the enthusiastic boat/bus “Ride the Ducks’ tour actually looked like fun. For those of you who may be new to the area, too, and haven’t encountered this vehicular monstrosity yet, just wait. It’s crazy. It’s a white-canopied boat with wheels carrying around 20 tourists and a very enthusiastic tour guide. You’ll know it when you see it by the very loud speakers playing upbeat, very enthusiastic music. The tours start somewhere around the space needle and go through Fremont to Lake Union and then THROUGH lake Union. The thing actually goes into the water from the road!

And now that I’ve ruined any chance I might have had at impressing you natives, let me introduce myself. I’m Hannah. I really wouldn’t have pictured myself in Seattle, having grown up in Leavenworth (the town, not the prison) and hearing about Seattle’s constant traffic, the depressing rain, and the overpriced real estate market for the first 20 years of my life. But I have to say, God has worked in even the smallest details to plant me here and in Mars Hill and I am stoked to find out what He has in store. I have fallen in love with Seattle.

So I haven’t always been such a fan of Mars Hill or Pastor Mark . I actually used to be one of those “critics” we hear about so often from the pulpit. Thank goodness Jesus has changed my heart and humbled me and now I love being part of this wonderful community of believers!

I first came to MH four years ago. I came in the midst of much change and turmoil in my life I was new to Seattle just starting classes at a new University and trying to make a whole new group of friends after moving from Northern California. As a quiet, conservative girl from a small town, raised in the same church for the last decade, I assure you I was full of skepticism! I was cynical about my classes, dubious of Seattle’s hip, “big city” culture, and doubtful that any church but my previous home church could possibly be holy, much less on the right track.

I came to one sermon and left, convinced that I would never come back! I had a criticism for everything from the moment I walked in the door to the very last notes played by the band. To be honest, I don’t think I really even listened to what was taught or paid attention to the worship. I arrived believing that it wasn’t for me and left even more convinced!

Well, I did come back, several more times over the next two years. Each time however, I had hardened my heart and decided I wasn’t going experience Jesus at MH and wasn’t going to fit in.

Two and half years ago my roommate asked me to join her once again at a MH service. I was frustrated with several other churches I had attended in the area and was so hungry for teaching from the Bible and truth being preached from the pulpit. (Notice a trend? The common factor from all these experiences was . me!) On this visit, my fourth time coming to MH, I had a divine appointment as I sat in the audience. For whatever reason, Jesus chose that day to soften my heart and convict me of my critical, skeptical spirit. I was able to hear the truth that Mark was teaching and realized that, although elements of the service are much different than what I grew up with, all the “closed-handed” theology is right in sync with Scripture. I felt silly that I had let the enemy into my thoughts and had believed his lies about the worship being different or the décor being less than “churchy.”

I left that service committing to myself and to Jesus that as long as the truth is taught and the Bible is opened, I would continue to attend MH and would give my time and resources there as well. The past two and a half years have been such an incredible time of spiritual growth and development I am so thankful that I responded to the conviction of the Spirit that day and let go of my criticism and skepticism!

I love that my closest friends are all from Mars Hill, that my community group is a source of such encouragement and dynamic discussions, and that overall I am continually challenged in my daily walk with Christ. I think it’s ironic, but awesome, that I’m the one who now defends Mars Hill to critics that I meet in my job and socially!

Right now I’m most excited about learning to be part of this “city within a city” and how to really live out my faith and the love of Jesus I’ve experienced in my day-to-day life. Mulling over questions of culture and Christianity are some of my favorite pastimes. I have chosen to work in a field that is most definitely anti-Christian and one that has a huge influence on culture. First as a student of fashion design, and now as a university instructor of design, I am daily challenged in what I believe about modesty, the body and the soul, and about a my role as a woman who wants to live with style and grace. I love beauty and aesthetics but always wrestle to find a balance between the temporal and the eternal.

So as I reflect over the past few years I realize how blessed I am to be part of a church where Jesus and the Bible are preached on a weekly basis. And now I am excited to voice my contemplations about the feminine soul, fashion, and the Father as I continue to bring my questions before Him.

And in the middle of losing myself Jesus found me.

Hi, I’m Laurel. I’m 24 years old and met Jesus when I was 16, so that makes me all of 8.

In my 8 years of knowing Jesus, while He has taught me many, many things, (which I’ve tried to condense into something smaller to put here.. But that just wasn’t working), however the one thing that becomes more and more apparent to me is that I suck, and He is amazing, and for some reason He loves me, and He loves me in a way that is so much more than I can understand. Jesus is the best and most amazing thing or person in my life. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, or ever will.

Now if I could just act like I actually KNOW that all the time. that would be great.

Let’s see if I can sum up the last 2 years of my life (they’ve changed me a lot).. Spent a year at Bible school, have had most of my good friends get married in the last year (it is that time of life.), had one of my favorite people in the world die in a motorcycle accident, moved to the city, and spent 8 weeks as a traveling camp counselor. As a result of this recent activity and flux in life, I’ve been pretty messed up, and what does God like to do with messy things? Why, dive to the root of the mess and clean out ALL the gunk that you didn’t even know was there. Or that you knew was there and just thought you’d hid it really well. So, you’ve caught me at an interesting time in my life, all the more fun.
And just for fun, some meaningless details about me:
I cook and clean when I’m stressed out. It makes me happy when Pastor Mark yells. There is pretty much always a song stuck in my head. I speak German, very, very badly. Canadian Thanksgiving is my favorite non-Jesus based holiday. And I love reading; C.S. Lewis is pretty much my favorite, though right now I’m all wrapped up in War and Peace. (I also love that so many sentences in the Bible start with ‘And’).

Do you think that crapping out of your mouth is the same thing as saying what’s on your mind? Is being blunt the same as being rude? Is being rude the same thing as immaturity? Should an immature girl be married at 20? Should an immature girl be a deacon’s wife?

I don’t know the correct answers to any of those questions, but I am all of the above. Blunt, rude, immature, 20, and a deacon’s wife. I wonder if the people that know me, just read that and nodded their heads in agreement…

I wish I could say that I don’t care what they all think about me - but I do. And to be honest, I spend more time worrying about what my friends, family and enemies think about me, than wondering what Jesus thinks about me. And then I cry, wondering why I’m so miserable.

I know that I desire a gentle spirit and a controlled tongue, but I don’t know if it’s because I want people to think that I’m a “good” person, or because the Bible says so.

Here’s what I know for sure right now:
1. God’s been VERY gracious to me.
2. My husband and his family helps me see Jesus more.
3. I want my parents to get back together.
4. I need to lose some weight.

Reforming the Feminine. You’re invited to join a handful of Mars Hill women as they exchange their ashes for beauty, fear for strength, mourning for gladness, filth for purity. This is where all that stuff we hear in church and read from our Bibles and know about Jesus in our heads… finds its way into the moments when we’re stuck in traffic, annoyed at work, can’t find our kids at the park, and we feel unloveable and stupid. This is the battlefield of the old woman vs. the new woman. Who will win? It could be ugly. It could be hilarious. It will definitely be humbling… but:

“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” (Phil. 1:6)

And who are these women writing? They’ll do a better job introducing themselves soon, but let me give you the brief…

Candice recently joined Mars Hill Church through the Doxa West Seattle church changeover, is also recently married, and recently re-discovered her faith. She regularly attends the Ballard campus and ministers with the worship department.

Wendy Alsup is a deacon at Mars Hill Church who has attended for several years and manages much of Women’s Ministry and teaches women’s Capstone classes and at women’s events. She regularly attends the West Seattle campus with her husband and two sons.

Hannah is a new member and a recent graduate of Whitworth with a degree in Communications. She enjoys academic and social research and is a great writer and thinker. She regularly attends the Ballard campus.

Cambria is a member of Mars Hill Church regularly attending the Ballard campus. She is currently an instructor of fashion design at two post-secondary schools in Seattle and operates her own business providing personal assistant services to clients whose business ranges from real estate to fashion styling. 

Laurel is a Washington State native, though only more recently from Seattle. She was raised as a homeschooler, and never met Jesus until a few years ago. She is the only Christian in her family currently, and she possesses a fresh perspective on Christianity that a lot of us “church kids” lack. Laurel regularly attends the Ballard campus.

And I’m Adriel Ifland, this blog’s administrator. I’ve been attending Mars Hill Church for 2 years and am a Seattle native. I work at a missions organization, but am often spending spare time at Mars Hill, helping with the Breakfast Club, sound, or anywhere else that needs help. I recently became a deacon and regularly attend the Ballard campus.

Who’s up first? Look for something from Deacon Wendy Alsup tomorrow…