By Tera Miller 

If I had to sell the junk my heart has been producing this week, I would be bankrupt and starving.  No matter how prettily I package it, how cleverly I market it, or how cheap the price, no one would want it.

For those of you that read my last post, My Family, My Idol, you read about the turbulent time I’ve been having since confronting my family about past sin.  Going into those conversations, my heart was soft and God had brought me to a place of repentance and a genuine desire to speak His truth, offer grace and forgiveness to my family, and seek reconciliation.  The past few months, however, of sitting in the mess of disappointment, re-wounding, and broken relationship has taken a toll on my heart. (more…)

Remember Tera Miller? Today she writes on her struggles in worshiping and fearing her family more than Jesus. Can you relate? Maybe you don’t have an “obvious idol” - like pornography or overeating or drunkenness. But what about the beautiful gift of family? Do you love them more than Jesus?

God created us to worship.  It’s how we’re made.  So when we’re not properly worshiping Him, our hearts are quickly drawn to a cheap replacement.  For me, that has been my family.  Which is rather confusing since family in itself is a good thing.  But it can easily take the form of idolatry when I choose family over Jesus.  Let me explain.

As a single woman, I have held my family above Christ by refusing to speak truth at the risk of disrupting my family’s so-called peace or potentially losing relationship with them altogether.  I knew God was calling me to bring into the light past family sin that had never been discussed since it occurred 27 years ago.  I could see how it could be used to show them God’s grace by coming to them in truth and forgiveness.  And although there was great possibility to see lives transformed, I sinned against God by instead choosing my family and my own comfort because the risk was too high.

Not having a husband or children of my own, the thought of being left “alone” was (more…)

 This is a journal entry of a woman, addressed to her fiance. She shared with me her struggles to not idolize her relationship with him, not to be a slave to her emotions and how she is trying to break away from a despairing cycle of “works” to make her “worthy” of love. Can you relate in this struggle to worship Jesus in the midst of a relationship? We chose to publish this because it seems a real, raw picture of a post-conversion struggle to abide in Jesus and not return to our old way of life, which is miserable slavery.

Good morning

First off, I want to apologize for how stand-offish I was this morning. I was completely acting on my emotions and blaming you.

As I was cleaning the office this morning God completely convicted me of my sin and how I am choosing to act in my wicked ways rather than in my redeemed state. Things you said I would usually not think twice about, but I dwelled on them and let them fester in my heart. I have been listening to lies and my emotions are telling me things like “he regrets asking you to marry him,” “he does not find you attractive,” “he is the only friend you have and he is sick of you,” etc. The list goes on and on - voices I meditate on, choose to believe as truth and begin playing the victim.

My life starts to build on those “truths” and I work my ass off trying to make them not true and I choose to get stuck in this vicious cycle. I am so discontent with my relationship with God that I keep looking for things to affirm and satisfy me and I fight against simply resting in God. It makes me sick to think I am actually trying to build my life around these things to glorify myself and then get down when they get crushed. My desires are perverse.

I feel like an adulteress. My spirit of rebellion tells me that is not good enough. So I keep working and fighting to try to fulfill my desire for control but end up slipping and blaming the people in my life and the circumstances I am in. I proceed to play the victim and get pissed that you do not ask what is wrong. 

I honestly believe we are entering a new season for our relationship. I think working through how we approach and communicate with each other our concerns and frustrations is huge.

Expectations are being shattered. I expect you to constantly be pursuing me. I expect you to understand everything that is going on in my head. I expect you to always put my best interest before yours. I expect you to be strong in the physical stuff. I expect you to constantly push me to Jesus. I expect you to act like you love me around your parents. I expect you to always be patient with me. I expect you to always be excited to see me. I expect you to always ask me about my day. I expect you to push when I am not giving you answers.

You have spoiled me and I have manipulatively twisted it. Time for me to grow up, because deep down I know that all I really have to do is simply ask you to hear me in that moment and you will be all ears. I honestly do not know how I could be so backwards right now.

How am I going to help you when in fact I am so weak? What does that mean? Buy him more, clean more, ask more questions, try to look good … ? No, it means abiding and all of that will fall into place. I am so completely humbled and more than ever realize my need for God. I physically and emotionally can’t support you unless I am striving to have God be my rock and fortress. My own efforts will continue to fail no matter how hard I keep fighting. I feel so selfish by critiquing how you are treating me and not even looking at my actions. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. I tell you this all of the time, but I will continue to say it, God has blessed me in a way I cannot describe. I know it is not about “deserving it” but I don’t deserve you. You are an amazing man of God and I am so privileged to spend my life with you. 
 
Love you dearly.

By Mars Hill Wedgwood member, Mindy Lee Irvine. We love you, ML!

It almost feels defeating to think of them all,
and when I do in His grace I don’t fall.
I try to conquer each one on my own but instead I bow to them
with a heart of stone.
I faithfully worship my gods that I see.
I am faithful indeed,
serving only me.

By Tera Miller 

Editor’s note: Tera Miller loves Jesus, is a Mars Hill Member at the Ballard Campus, is a hilarious Cranium teammate, and wrote for the former Vox Pop Magazine. She is real and she is gutsy. Look for more to come.

When I was first invited to go to a Korean women’s day spa, I was elated at the idea of soaking in therapeutic whirlpools with hydro jets, breathing in the aromas of the Mugwart steam sauna, and meditating in one of the heated rooms lined with different elements like jade, sand or clay.  I could almost feel my skin getting smoother by the second!

But when I learned that it was a naked spa, I literally heard the record player scratch in my head and the music suddenly go silent.  NAKED?  Are you for real?  How naked are we talking?  Well, apparently, naked means nothing but a pink fabric shower cap over your hair and a bracelet with your locker key around your wrist.  That’s pretty naked by my standards.

You see, Korean bath houses are a centuries-old tradition, beneficial for (more…)

by Mindy Lee Irvine, Mars Hill member at the Wedgwood Campus

I had the great opportunity to sit courtside at a Sonics game last week. I am a sports fan; I enjoy events with lots of loud obnoxious people, because I usually join them in their madness.  I do whatever it takes to get on the jumbotron! And I suppose at this point I feel like I am doing some civic support when it comes to watching the Sonics.

If you are a virgin courtside watcher like I was, you have no idea the perks that come with such an event.  There is a special “courtside seat” entrance.  No waiting in line.  They check your coat.  They check your ID for those who will be partaking in the alcohol perks, and the kind man doing so offers a delightful piece of history as he reads your birth year.  Your ticket is checked a few times by ushers to ensure you are in fact a courtside member, and then you then walk into the arena. 

The loud music the squeak of rubber soles on the court is intense and (more…)

by Chandin Persaud, Mars Hill member at the Downtown Campus. 

No matter how bad it gets, how bad I get, or how bad anyone else or society can get: God is still good. He’s still the same, reigning sovereignly over my wickedness. It’s funny how forgetful I can be. Not ha-ha funny, but the other kind of funny. Funny like the way normally delicious things can taste funny-like when you get a bad carrot. Or icky coffee. Yuck.

I forget that my sin does not ruin God’s day. It might ruin mine and certainly grieves God, which is not a small thing to be brushed off by any means, but my sin does not put God on an emotional roller coaster. He’s perfectly content, perfectly in control, perfectly happy and joyous in just being Him. And the really crazy part is that every day He forgives and atones for my sin, takes it away and declares me righteous before Him. I cannot make God love me less and nothing I do can make Him love me more.  I cannot be his favorite.  I cannot be his least favorite.  Grace is such a puzzling yet necessary thing. I couldn’t survive without it.

When I forget things like this, things like grace, it makes life with Jesus which is normally delicious and incredibly sweet, to funny, not right, gross and bad. And this doesn’t just affect me but those living life around me, they taste it too. So primarily to my mom, my friends, and my family in Christ: I’m sorry for my my funk, my bad carrots, my greatest sin: forgetting grace. Please forgive me and help me sweeten life by reminding and teaching me the incredible mystery of our God’s grace.

By Mars Hill member Mindy Lee Irvine. Mindy Lee has been actively involved in ministry to women at Mars Hill over the past few years. This is her first article for Reforming the Feminine, and we hope to see more.

Theodicy: The defense of God’s goodness and omnipotence in view of the existence of evil.
I have found a common tension rearing its head in my life the past four years.  I walk what feels like a tightrope, and wanting to hold two truths in each hand.  One truth being: I have suffered.  The other truth being: God is good.  Although my pains have led me to remorse and discomfort, the many tears do not extinguish the truth in my heart that God is good. 

But it brings tension.  The tension that the tightrope needs in order walk well. And when I lean too far to either side, I fall into sin.  Denying my pain or denying God’s power and goodness.  Faking my faith in Him or wallowing and naval-gazing.

In the not too far past when I would share my sufferings with someone, my soul would well up and I would get that hard to swallow feeling in my throat.  However externally I would be smiling and white knuckling my Bible while trying to convince others and myself that “what the enemy intended for evil, God intended for good.” And my tears would well up in my throat but not get farther then that, because in my mind faith and tears did not mix. 

Then one day I was introduced to the Psalms and I have never been the same.

Psalm 136 met my soul in the exact spot I needed to be met. The Psalmist walks that tightrope of two truths. God’s enduring love and the troubles that they faced were written with truth and God-glorifying love.  I decided to write my own.

Give Thanks to the Lord for He is good.
His love endures forever.
Who by his love made me Mindy Lee.
His love endures forever.
His hand determined my mom and dad.
His love endures forever.
Who brought me into a family of two sisters.
His love endures forever.
To him who knew my parents marriage would not last.
His love endures forever.
And knew my time with my dad would be short.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks that He gave me a sweet summer with my dad.
His love endures forever.
To him who struck down my dream of being a daddy’s girl,
His love endures forever.
And ended my dad’s life too soon.
His love endures forever.
He alone allowed my step-dad to set me up.
His love endures forever.
And there his mighty hand stood still while my step-dad’s hand mightily ruled my body.
His love endures forever.
And men’s hands never stopped.
His love endures forever.
He gave me a gymnastics talent,
His love endures forever.
Which led me to a Christian college.
His love endures forever.
With patient love he wooed my heart.
His love endures forever.
And with a mighty hand stopped my sexual madness,
His love endures forever.
And struck down my desires to escape reality.
His love endures forever.
To him who gave me a husband who knew it all but saw me as pure.
His love endures forever.
To him who led us to the Bible
His love endures forever.
To him who created a baby in my womb,
His love endures forever.
who knew by holding her my life would change.
His love endures forever.
And my soul would set sail on a journey
His love endures forever.
That would end in heaven.
His love endures forever.
Give Thanks to the Lord, to the God in heaven
His love endures forever.

By Nadia, former Vox Pop columnist.

My two little sisters, 13 and 9, love Jesus. And like many kids, they are quite profound and simple in their faith. I love listening to them talk about what they believe.

Marie, my 13-year-old sister, and I are snuggled up enjoying the snow out the window in the middle of the afternoon. It’s naptime - I’m furiously typing papers on my laptop, she’s reading Nancy Drew - “the spookiest one you can find!”

Marie: What are you working on?
Me: Papers for church.
Marie: Oh.
Me: Hey, Marie, what do you think: can women be pastors? Is it a good or a bad thing?
Marie: (Pause.) I don’t really want to talk about it.
Me: Why not? (more…)

By Trisha Wilkerson, wife of Pastor Mike Wilkerson.

For a few years, I have talked about a woman named Margaret. She is a fictitious woman I’ve made up, trying to understand the Martha and Mary story in Luke 10. I jokingly call the blend of both Martha and Mary “Margaret,” assuming that there must be a gal that is both a hard worker and a worshiper. My tag line in the Margaret story has been: “Sure, Mary had it right–setting at the Lord’s feet listening to his teaching–but hey! JESUS had to eat!”

But I am starting to grasp that Margaret isn’t the answer. I am starting to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.”

Martha:

All of my Christian life, I have heard about the differences between Martha and Mary. Often it is suggested that Martha is the stressed out sister concerned about tasks. She can’t relax because “there is much to be done.” Martha works hard but seems to lack the peace and worship that goes with working heartily unto the Lord. When God himself is a guest in her home she can’t even handle (more…)