Waiting is not one of my strong points.I am not what I would call a patient person. I want to get things done right, fast, and now.This of course works very well for an easy going and satisfying life.I want to be toned up and lose 5 pounds, *bam* done. I want to be done with school, have my glorified piece of paper and be done with all the busy work, *huzzah* done. I want my house to be completely fixed and have nice flooring, and a bathroom that isn’t purple, *bing* done.In my dreams.So, in the midst of being an impatient person, with a life that seldom cooperates (except on the few and far between occasions when the microwave cooks my dinner for me), I have been learning this mystical art of being patient (not that I’m anywhere near being an ‘A’ student).I can’t say that I didn’t see this lesson coming either. When I was 18 and finishing up a Bible study that I had been in for almost 2 years, our leader gave me this verse:

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,for my hope is from him.” Psalm 62:5

So as I sit now looking at 26 in the ever nearing future, I hear – as always – Jesus saying “wait on Me.” Which I don’t think is merely a “hey, sit over there and the Savior will be with you shortly” kind of thing. But it actually hits me as a “wait on Me,” in the serving frame of reference. To wait on the Lord, to serve Him, to seek Him out and ask “what do You want of me today? What should my attitude be like? What words should pass over my lips? What looks should people see on my face and in my eyes? Where is my heart at? And where does it need to be?” Which is sometimes a hard concept to grasp considering that God has no needs.So I will wait in both senses. And fight against my fidgety heart.

… failure?

I am. Afraid of failure and rejection. Afraid.

A trivial circumstance has arisen in my life, nothing that matters at all. But there is a very slim chance that something moderately cool could happen. So my best friends have decided to tease me about it. I don’t want to talk about it though; I don’t want to fail.

This is what goes through my mind, “if I talk about it, it will fail.”

Instead of trusting God and praying about it, I automatically assume failure is imminent.

So today, while I was at work questioning one of my co-workers about their life and what was going on in it, I questioned myself too.

Am I trusting God with these things?

Am I trusting that He has the best in mind?

Why do I not believe His character and what He says about Himself?

My favorite reminder is a cheesy kids song, which irritates me like most children’s songs, but is so true.

My God is so big,

So strong and so mighty,

There’s nothing my God cannot do.

The mountains are His,

The valleys are His,

The stars are His handiwork too.

There is nothing my God cannot do. And I don’t need to be afraid of failing, because even if I do ‘fail’ - He will use it ultimately for good.

The human body, in its basic elements runs about $4.50 according to ever-reliable internet sources.
If you were able to sell off organs on the black market, that value would go up considerably, but there are only so many organs that you can live without.

So what are we really worth?

From all that I can discern, in the simplest sense – we are worth Jesus. Not of course because we are anything special, but because that is the worth that God has placed on us.

Do I live like I am worth Jesus?

We have just passed Easter and Good Friday, and while our culture has made these to be about ham, chocolate and bunnies that lay colored eggs, that isn’t what it is about at all. This holiday, to me more than any other, is about Jesus. What His entire life on earth was about. Jesus lived a sinless life, bombarded with temptation, then He died in my place.

Do I live like I am worth Jesus?

This is a frustrating concept to grasp on my own, and even more so to explain to others, especially those who see themselves as having no worth at all.

“Don’t you understand?! Jesus lived, died and conquered death! You are His! He has begun a good work in you and will complete it! He is going to use you to glorify Himself! How amazing is that?!”

And yet, I often forget this about myself. I set my eyes on mediocre things, and aim low. After all, I know me.

I know that I all too often believe the lie that I am worthless, and I know many others believe it about themselves. But we’re not. Though God does not need us, He values us highly. And He is the one who determines what we are worth.

I’ve been trying for weeks to come up with some one thing that God is doing in my life, or something I’ve learned, or something valentine’s-y, just something.

And then sitting in church today, I realized that I can’t. But I can share some of the many thoughts running through my head.

1. There are some things that you do not just ‘get over’. They cling, they stick, and are with you for the rest of your life – for better or worse, though some days they are closer than others. About 19 months ago a very good friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle accident; Superbowl weekend I was able to spend some time with his brother and parents. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. And though we all know that Jordan is home with Jesus, there is still grief in that for now we aren’t with him. For me it is easier to push that aside - not many of the people I am around in the day to day knew Jordan, and it’s easier to move on with the everyday tasks and have that hanging in the back instead of the front of my mind. Then I see his family, whom I have so much love for that I don’t know how to express it. Thoughts run through my head, “just get over it, he’s with Jesus anyway” or “it’s been awhile, you should be better by now.” But I’m not, and they’re not. And that’s ok. Grief is ok, even when it’s been awhile. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse. And it’s ok to miss someone you love.

2. You are never “just that way.” (more…)

I must admit, walking into this new year in the grand scheme of things has been quite uneventful. I’m working, going to school, and in what spare time those activities allow, hanging out with my friends and roommates.

So in the midst of the boring day-to-day, I find myself here blogging with what from my view is seemingly nothing to write about — and then God’s reminds me…

“Hey! Remember what I’ve been doing!”

Here it is: while my life has been nice and quiet with very little personal stress, this has allowed me to spend more time in prayer and seeking what Jesus wants to weed out in my life, and how to be an intercessor for others. More time in prayer has led to more specific prayers for people – and the most exciting part of all, being able to watch and hear about Jesus answering those prayers. Unfortunately many of these I can’t share here (as they are very personal and somewhat confidential as they are not things happening in my life, but in the lives of others). I can however say this: I’ve been blessed to see people’s hearts change, in ways they see the world and themselves, and to see a friend come to faith in Jesus — which is pretty much the most exciting thing that has happened in my recent memory.

So life is quiet, and that’s a blessing that I would never have thought to ask for.

“We Three Kings” is one of my favorite Christmas songs. 2 verses in particular which I’d like to share here we so often sing without thinking of what is being said, but these particular words always grab me.

Born a babe on Bethlehem’s plain;
Gold we bring to crown Him again;
King forever, ceasing never,
Over us all to reign.

Glorious now behold Him arise;
King and God and sacrifice;
Alleluia, Alleluia,
Sounds through the earth and skies.

It’s Christmas time yet again, we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus. What a privilege that we actually get to celebrate it. I know it’s hard for me to remember that sometimes: that there are people who are not allowed to celebrate Jesus’ birth. And for those of us that are — we seem to want to celebrate giving crap-loads of stuff instead.
This Christmas, for me at least, is filled with a lot of things that I don’t know how to deal with. About the only thing I feel like I know right now is that God is gracious and merciful, and that He will accomplish His purposes. So, this Christmas I want to celebrate Jesus - King, God, and sacrifice. Amazing God.

The last weekend was um. hectic?
Training day was awesome, absolutely awesome. And on my way there, driving with my best friend and roommate, we started discussing future things, ideas and plans of what might be heading down the pike in the next year(s).
She has the ability to be a dreamer, an ability I often greatly envy. I tend to get depressed if I put a lot of time and energy into thinking through something that has no plausibility of coming to pass. However, while what we were discussing on the drive was a bit of dreaming, it was also plausible. As I stewed in thought on this subject of moving on, this crossed my mind “You are so scared of losing the people in your life right now, that you’re not surrendering to Me. You can’t change their lives, you don’t matter. I will accomplish My purpose for them.”
There are people in my life that are incredibly dear to me, whom I don’t want to lose. I can’t even describe the emotions inside at the thought of not being with them. And as soon as I think that thought, Jesus reminds me that He is in control, that He has what is best, and that by trying to hang onto them I lose my grip on Him and ruin what He has blessed me with.
Needless to say, the last few weeks have been. humbling. That seems to be the theme of this fall “Jesus humbles Laurel.” And though it is not really the theme I would have chosen, I asked for it and Jesus has been faithful in kind in granting that request.

So, we have once again entered into the holiday season, my life is. busy. As I’ve sat here trying to think of what to write, as the self protective part of me wants to write something trite and nice, the other fire breathing part of me wont let me.

I’ve been reading Jonah this last week, over and over. And have been thinking over it. Then there is this in verse 2 of Chapter 4 where Jonah is talking to God and says this “That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster.” Jonah doesn’t want to tell the Ninevehites about God because he knows God’s character. He knows that God will show mercy to them.

I feel like Jonah much more often than I would ever like to admit. I meet people who are horrible, and I think “You are a horrible person” so easily forgetting how horrible I am, and that their horribleness is apparently just easier to see than my own. Thoughts run through my head that somehow they don’t deserve to hear about Jesus, that they don’t deserve forgiveness.

There’s a scene in Great Expectations (I’ve only ever watched the trailer.) where Finn says “Anything, that might be special in me, is you.” And often, that is how I see myself, if I’m being honest. The only thing special or good in me is Jesus.

I’m not very generous when it comes to being merciful. I forget how merciful God has been to me, and I withhold mercy from others. I withhold sharing Jesus with people because of how I feel towards them, and then expect to be shown mercy for my failings. I hope that I am one of the few that identifies all too closely with Jonah, but I have the feeling many do.

Lord, please don’t let me be like Jonah.

Humble Pie:

Perhaps the most repugnant food known to mankind, humble pie is usually served on what the recipient sees as an incredibly unappealing dish. Humble Pie is the another one of those “old wives’ cures for nasty vices such as pride, arrogance, and in general thinking better of yourself than you ought. Humble pie is usually eaten when the eater has no taste for it. Humble pie has a way of purging your system in a rather. unpleasant way.

Welcome November. November has brought me some humble pie. It wasn’t said in a harsh way, but in a comment from a friend that felt akin to being slapped with 20 grit sandpaper by a Grizzly bear. It is. tiring. Judging by Shelly’s recent blog this isn’t a limited feeling going around.

I’ve felt a little like a zombie lately, school, work, homework, unfulfilling times of reading the Word. Until of course I asked God to humble me and boil out my impurities, show me the sin in my life that I don’t see or don’t want to see. Amazing how quickly He answers questions like that.

By the time this is published I will have escaped to Cannon Beach, Oregon, for a weekend. I can only assume that He will dish me up some more pie over the trip, and while I hate the taste of it I couldn’t ask for anything better. Jesus is amazing.

A lot of different questions have been running through my mind, and no matter what they are the answer continues to be the same Jesus is faithful and amazing. His best is always best, as is His timing.

Psalm 62:5-8
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
 He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Do I paint pictures of Egypt? Am I longing for a place that I hated when I was there? Have I covered the painful memories with a pretty new dress? Has the dust so covered them that I can’t really see them for what they were?
I’ve lived in - or at least been to a lot of places in the last 5 years. Each has presented its own difficulties, joys and sorrows. As I think back to them - for some I remember only the bad, some only the good.
I’ve painted pictures of how I want to remember things, instead of remembering the picture of what they actually were. I’ve deceived myself and sometimes sought my Father to ask Him why He took me out of there, though in the back of my head I have no questions as to why He did it.
He loves me. He desires my best and wants me to grow. My life has had pain, sorrow, grief, guilt, betrayal, anger; joy, love, happiness, and amazement. As I reflect on missions trips, moves, Bible school, people I’ve loved and those that I haven’t, things that I’ve learned with ease, and those that have nearly killed me in the process. I always come back to this: He is faithful and good.
There are a few things in life right now that grieve my heart; things that I cannot change, things that I cannot do. I am left with the refuge of prayer, and the knowledge that Jesus is faithful, that He has everything in control, and that He has let my heart be grieved for His good purposes.
Jesus is truly amazing, and I hope that you don’t forget that or question it as I so often have. I so often feel like Gomer, or the entire nation of Israel in the Old Testament, as I go out searching for other gods, whoring myself out while Jesus diligently pursues me, loves me, and saves me from myself.
A song by Sara Groves called “He’s Always Been Faithful” has been stuck in my head for the last week, it has good and bad memories attached to it in my life. Mostly though, it reminds me of how amazing Jesus is - I hope it lets others see that too.

He’s Always Been Faithful (by Sara Groves)

Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God’s hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He’s always been faithful to me

I can’t remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can’t
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting his hand

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.