Reforming the Feminine ContentBoy Trouble Advice
I was just sorting through some old emails and trying to downsize my inbox and found an old one I saved from my Mom. I called her in tears and kind of blew up on her because I was having boy problems and she never hears from me on boy problems EVER, but she stepped right up to it and was very good at calming me down and helping me think things through logically. In fact, her statements were so clear and concrete, I remember whimpering to her, “will you please email those to me so I can remind myself?” and she did the next morning. Here they are.
1. It is all right for you to tell other people that you do not want to talk about men. Or anything in your private life.
2. You have the right to choose who you allow to talk with you about men.
3. You have the right to take the time you need to decide if a man is the right man for you to marry.
4. Hurry is not a virtue in choosing a mate. (Marry in haste, repent at leisure)
5. A second date is NOT a decision to marry. It is a second look, that is all.
6. A third date is NOT a decision to marry. It is a third look, that is all.
7. Repeat 5 and 6.
8. It is all right to admit you don’t know what you want. It is essential, actually. Until you are honest, you will never know.
9. First steps for you will be to seek God for wisdom about why you are so upset about others’ interest in you. Then seek God for what to do about it. Then respond according to His leading. The business about So-and-So takes a back seat to this, because it will return with ANYONE you want to get to know. When this is straightened out, I think you will be able to think and feel more clearly about So-and-So.
Do you remember runaway bride? I struck me that she always had her eggs done the same way her current beau wanted them; part of her ‘growing up’ was when she took the time to test taste eggs to see which way she really liked them. Talk to God about So-and-So and other men. Let Him talk back. It is an adventure, that is for sure. I am praying for you.
Love,
Mom
Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing Adriel. I recently just read a really true and important fact about Satan in a book recently that I wanted to share with you.
One of his tactics is to get us thinking that we have to “act now.” He creates a sense of urgency. This tactic generally creates big messes and lots of heartache when we believe the lie.
Jesus does want you to practice the wisdom that comes from heaven, which does not require you to “act now.”
Also, I have learned over time to listen to my instincts and feelings with men. Usually, if I feel wrong about someone, it does not mean that they are “bad” or “not worthy.” What it does mean is that we are not right or well suited for each other.
In my past it has been a huge struggle for me to communicate this to men without them becoming offended. If you can learn how to be clear about how you feel about God’s leading and send the guy away content, I give you mucho applause, because I was never able to master that one myself.
So, remember, Jesus would never rush you into anything. Anyone who creates a feeling of rush over romance, whether it be a well intentioned friend or potential love interest is opening your life to the enemy’s schemes.
Trust that Jesus will make your path and future love life clear. I’ll pray for you too.
Peace
Amity
Thanks Amity!
Not to play devil’s advocate (ha) but also… I think it is a sin tactic also to procrastinate and say “I don’t have to decide…” and keep stretching things out when there is urgency. Do you know what I mean? It’s hard for me to judge sometimes when things are legitimately urgent and when they are not. Sometimes it is really clear. A little girl is walking into traffic. If I don’t “act now” I am sinning because I know the right thing to do is to grab her and move her out of traffic. Other things like “what will I do after I graduate?” are confusing because I think some kids waste time by living in a land of indecision for months as 4 or 5 options present themselves, and they should have just picked one of the good ones and started serving God through it. At the same time, God may very well wish for you to wait - my friends rushed into buying a house because the felt the urgency and need to do it, and they asked God briefly but didn’t really wait for an answer, and got it. It wasn’t exactly what they wnated/needed/hoped for but they took matters into their own hands. As they were unpacking, the perfect house for them came onto the market. And they couldn’t get it. They’d jumped the gun. They were humbled and frustrated with themselves for not stopping and waiting on the Lord.
It’s a hard mix sometimes.
I think sometimes the absolutely most right thing to do is to “act now” but I think you are probably right in that we, and I mean women especially, tend to err on the side of acting too quickly rather than being indecisive and lethargic in our lives.
Thanks for your comment, Amity.
Adriel
Hi Amity and Adriel!
This is so timely to me because I’m wrestling with that same “go NOW”/”don’t jump too soon” conflict in my own life— so seriously, how do you know when to act and when to wait on those big decisions? I know, I know, Jesus’s lambs know his voice— I’m a lousy lamb cause I’m confused!!!
The negative effects of moving too quickly also reveal themselves pretty quickly, in my experience. But, also in my experience, the negative effects of sitting on my hands seem to be less defined, more ambiguous, and harder to see but from quite some distance in retrospect…
Anyway, maybe the question isn’t even “OK, God, is this the absolute best choice and best moment and all that you have for me and all that I have to glorify and honor you with?” but “God, please open my eyes and ears and heart and help me respond to you as you shepherd me through my application of the wisdom you’ve been gracious to give me so far!” Maybe sometimes it’s best to just make a decision, and trust that even the mixed bag of blessing and ills that follow are ordained and gifted by God!
Wow, funny when you start writing, and suddenly find you’re preaching to yourself…
Thanks for sharing your hearts here, it is an awsome blessing, ladies!
Rachel in NH
Hey Rachel! Thanks for writing and AUGH I wish I had an answer to your question!!!
OK - I know older & wiser godly women are reading some of these posts… can one of you please please comment if it’s on your heart to share your thoughts on making decisions - and the timing?
Thanks.
Thanks, Adriel! I love what your mom wrote in item#9, and the bit about the eggs! The choices I’m facing personally aren’t related to a romantic relationship (my family and I are considering a move across the country), but there’s still a lot there that’s helpful, especially her advice to stop and take the time to discover what is motivating the emotion behind the decision. I want Jesus to be in charge, and not my “what ifs”! Your mom’s a wise lady, and you are blessed! (Thanks, Adriel’s mom!) And thanks for responding, Adriel!
“I think if there is any value in hearing from writers [or in this case, women] talk, it would be in hearing what they can witness to, and not what they can theorize about.” Flannery O’Connor. In keeping mom’s thread of 9, and from an older gal who has a few things to witness to [many the hard way]:
1. Your mother is brilliant. Introduce her to these boys, and listen to her. My own mother was rarely articulate, but God always used her mightily when men came into the picture. He picked her on purpose for you.
2. As to the analogy of haste in buying houses/and picking husbands: There will be buyers remorse in both categories (and being in the business of buying/selling houses, remember this is absolutely common, so I wouldn’t give that example much credence). Remember when Pastor Mark said, “Any married person who hasn’t contemplated divorce is lying”? He’s spot on. You’ll never have the “perfect” home here on earth, nor the perfect husband until you marry Jesus. There is a faint (so faint!) memory in our souls that perfection exists, and we long for that. How frustrating under a Curse! God alone is perfect, and dating and men and decisions, will never be.
3. Some women, like myself, have made poor choices in men and carry a lot of baggage. When we come to our senses (as the Bible records did the prodigal son), Jesus may need us to use other people who know & love us to help overcome those swings of inertia/hysteria. Once again, consider the beauty of a godly moms and community.
4. Two weeks before I married my husband, I confided (in passing) to our pastor’s wife that I was having cold feet. Her response: Oh Shelly! I’ve been married for 24 years, and I still get cold feet. I really looked up to that marriage, and in some stange way, that serendipity conversation gave me the courage to go through with the marriage. God knows.
4. Contemplating our daily taste and temperature is natural under a Curse, married or not. Another great Flannery quote that comes in handy to this conversation: “His [her] taste should not be consulted; it is being formed.” If God is your core, I believe He uses each and ever man he brings into your life to somehow prepare, and form you, for “the one”.
5. There’s no such thing as “the one”. Well, okay, I think there’s both myth and reality in that Christian-ease of “one man” out there that God creates just for us. The reality is I can’t believe how much better my husband makes me as a woman. Because he’s the only man in my lifetime who has ever stuck around long enough to apply time, energy and [much] heartache along with the Word to love me as Christ loved the Church, he is absolutely gold in my book. This makes me constantly feel like he’s “the one and only one” for me, which works. The myth is that there are probably many Jesus-loving men that God could use to polish us in the big picture. Loving a woman like Christ loved the Church is no small task. Jesus knew that under a Curse, this would be a priority to make us better as women, and thank God Paul picked up on that. A man who is willing to stick around under all our quirks and complexities and apply the Word ~ PRICELESS.
6. Remember the principle of “total effect”. It is a principle followed in legal cases by which a book is judged not for isolated parts but by the final effect of the whole book upon the reader. Remember the “total effect” when you’re reading a man.
7. Has God ever failed you? No. Never. Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.
8. There’s nothing new under the sun. Despite their differences in marital/cultural customs, I’m guessing Sarah and Esther and Ruth and Abigail and Elizabeth and even Mary had some of our same contemplations. Think of the range of their husbands (and prior beaus?!), all used in their lives for God’s glory.
9. Enjoy the time you are wrestling with these issues as single women. It is a blessed time that you probably won’t properly enjoy until you are married. Dating can be scary, but in the end, your responses to life will be different if you have only been taught a definition of faith, than when you have trembled with Abraham as he held the knife over Isaac.
Shelly gives great advice. Ariel, you have much to be thankful for in your loving mom’s words. Many of us didn’t have that godly mother in our lives. I try but I am failing miserably at being a godly mother, and now I find myself cramming to gain the wisdom to give to my only daughter as she is stepping into adulthood and her college years. Recently I have read several books I recommend you all read, and if you do, find a trusted friend or mother type figure to discuss them with. And always take everything before God, and listen to Him.
“Sex and the Soul of a Woman” The Reality of Love & Romance in an Age of Casual Sex: Paula Rinehart
This is excellent and is availabe in the MH resource center.
“Her Hand In Marriage” Douglas Wilson
“Reforming Marriage” Douglas Wilson
“Boy Meets Girls” Joshua Harris
THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!! (and for the comments/discussion).
I’ve totally been wrestling w/ something similar - maybe not the exact same situation, but similar. It’s hard. It’s good to know I’m not alone! I’m amazed at your vulnerabilty (especially on the internet) Ariel. Thank you again!