Reforming the Feminine ContentHelping the Hurting
Here are a few thoughts on walking with a loved one through a season of pain.
1) There is a time to mourn. There is a time to weep. Ecc. 3:4
Some day in the future, there may be a time for advice or a time to try to cheer up. But respect the time to mourn. Weep with those who weep. I have noticed when I am seriously hurting, there are some people that I just can’t have around because their response is to either give advice or try to distract me from my pain. Instead, I have to walk through my pain, and I treasure those who have the love and patience to walk with me.
2) Be quiet.
Listen. Don’t talk. I don’t mean that we need to remain mute when coming alongside the hurting, but take seriously James 1:19, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” When your hurting friend speaks, you listen. You listen well and ask follow up questions. You don’t redirect the conversation away from your hurting friend and toward yourself. If your friend needs to talk through their pain, listen.
3) Don’t pretend the pain doesn’t exist.
This is particularly important when it comes to the death of a loved one. Don’t ignore the person who passed on in an effort to distract your friend. They are missing their loved one, and you can’t ignore them anymore than a big white elephant standing in the room. I remember meeting at a restaurant the parents of a friend who had died unexpectedly a few weeks before. We all talked like nothing had ever happened, and I regret to this day that I ignored the elephant in the room. I wish I had said simply, “I am so sorry for your loss,” and then given them a hug. I, of course, had no idea what to say. But I realize now that saying NOTHING was even worse.
If your friend just lost her child, let her show you the hand made blanket she wrapped him in. If she’s having problems getting pregnant, love her enough to check on her about that specifically. If her father died unexpectedly, don’t avoid mentioning the beauty of the deck he was building for her before he died. Whatever the situation, don’t feel you have to do acrobatics to avoid the elephant in the room. If talking about their loved one fits the occasion, then do it.
3) When the time comes, speak the truth with love.
Support and encourage your loved one with the truth of God. But remember that speaking truth alone is not necessarily loving. If that were the case, Paul would have no need in Ephesians 4 to exhort us to both speak the truth AND speak lovingly. So point your friend to the character of God in loving ways. The way you say things and the empathy you show have power to minister grace to your loved one according to Paul’s instructions on language at the end of Ephesians 4. In times of pain, there is hope in the fact that God is sovereign and in control. But there is also questioning and pain. Wrestle with your loved one as they struggle with the sovereignty of God in the midst of their painful circumstances. Don’t cop out with easy answers.
I hope that is helpful food for thought. I don’t claim to be an expert on this by any means, but these are ideas that have been on my mind through times of my own pain.
I agree Wendy! This is a list that was given to me quite a while back. Eva was widowed at a young age and spoke to a group of women on this subject. You reiterated what I learned from her.
HOW TO REACH OUT TO HURTING PEOPLE
By Eva Reddick
1. Send a note. Tell them you know they are hurting and that you care. Don’t say, “I understand.”
2. Go to them now and again. Tell them you love them. Don’t say, “Call me if I can help.” They won’t.
3. Do something for them. Love is action.
4. Give books of courage and bravery. Show them hope for tomorrow, not sympathy.
5. Cry with them. Tears are healing. (Rom.12:15) After the tears it is easier to talk.
6. Listen to what they are saying. Be sensitive to their feelings. Memories are good! Let them have their happy memories.
7. Touch them gently. It gives emotional healing.
8. Invite them to go places with you. Show them you really care.
9. Pick them up and take them with you. They may need extra support.
10. Don’t judge them. Some days they’ll be down. If they are obviously hurting don’t ask, “What’s the matter?” Whatever they’re going through is normal for them. Don’t tell them how long is too long.
11. Assure them they are doing OK. It’s important what others say.
12. Pray for them and with them. Prayer changes people. Say, “Let’s pray.”
13. Love them back to wholeness. It may take time and energy.
14. Be a friend. A friend loves at all times.
15. Look for needs around you. Others may be hurting.
This is excellent and so timely now! Thanks for this!
Thanks, Wendy. This is timely for me as well.
Wendy, there is such wisdom in this post. I think that we often feel inadequate to comfort others in pain because we have not been there. But, the Lord is the One who has comforted us and we are to comfort with that comfort. The comfort is the same. ..and it is His! I think we also are reluctant to enter into someone’s sorrow because it means facing and experiencing sorrow in our own lives. Your reminder to look at the handmade blanket, to talk about the deck, not to avoid the elephant…this is wisdom, and I think, the spirit of the command to comfort with the comfort with which we have been comforted. Thank you, Wendy, for the reminder, the call, the exhortation, the push. Thank you.