If I’ve done it once, I’ve done it a thousand times.  “I’m sorry for [whatever], but you [had it coming] …”. 

I pretend to confess and repent of a sin against someone, but instead of stopping with my confession, I add a justification of my actions at the end.  To be frank—that simply is NOT repentance.  Instead, I’m trying to give a reason for my anger/bitterness/insensitivity or whatever it was that I did.  But repentance is recognizing that my hurtful statements were wrong.  Period.  I don’t ever have justification for sinning against another. 

Personally, my justifications usually come from one of two basic points of views. 

1) You hurt me first. 

And maybe the other person really did hurt me.  The problem is that I am called to be like Jesus.  Jesus–who endured the worst at the hands of men without ever sinning against them in return.  I must overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21).  There is never justification for returning evil with evil. 

2) I was having a bad day. 

I justify myself because I was tired, sick, or upset about some legitimate problem.  But, once again, Jesus is my example, and though He was tempted in all ways like we are, He did not use it as an excuse to sin (Hebrews 4:15).  Women might say, “But He never had PMS.”  I agree, but He certainly experienced physical and hormonal changes (like 40 days fasting in the wilderness or six hours nailed to a cross with only vinegar to drink) that would apply even more physical/emotional/hormonal pressure than the average bout of PMS.  Jesus can fully identify with our temptations to sin.  He can also fully equip us to overcome them without sin. 

I was convicted of my attempts to wiggle out of conviction by this statement on C. J. Mahaney’s blog. 

“When I have sinned against someone, a sincere confession is required. A confession that is sincere and pleasing to God will be specific and brief. I have learned to be suspicious of my confession if it’s general and lengthy. A sincere confession of sin should be specific (“I was arrogant and angry when I made that statement; will you please forgive me for sinning against you in this way?”) and brief (this shouldn’t take long). When I find myself adding an explanation to my confession, I’m not asking forgiveness but instead appealing for understanding.”

Wow—how true!!  And how convicting!!

You can find the rest of the article here.

Many years ago, I began noticing the frequency by which I passed a little blue Maverick tooling around Shoreline.  Always around the Aurora - Fred Meyer area.  Behind the wheel was an aging little man, looking somewhat determined as he drove.  Despite what could easily be tagged a scowl, it never quite registered that way.  I liked him.

My children turn into teens and go to Shorewood High.  Understanding my intrigue for this little man, they report a steady stream of siting him.   

“I saw your friend at Fred Meyer today, mom.”

“Hey!  Guess who I passed today!  That dude in the junky car you like so much.”

“Everyone says he lives in his car.  We pass him at lunch every day in the parking lot across from Fred Meyer.”

They know this news brings me happiness.  I purposefully drive by his “home”, (the Shucks Parking lot) on every trip out of Shoreline.  He is either in his car, bumbling over towards Fred Meyer, or under his hood.  He’s interesting.  Unconventional.  Out of the box.  Intriguing.  For a quirky writer who shuns the party line that all-too-few recognize in anything from Christianity to secular society, I am drawn to him.  I start to pray for my mysterious ghost-friend every time I pass him.

My son gets a job at Jack-In-The-Box.  Comes home with wide eyes and a huge revelation.

“Mom!  Know your friend, the homeless guy in the Maverick?  I met him today!  He comes into Jack-in-the-Box all the time, buys coffee, and sits in the corner.  You won’t believe it - His name is Jack.”

Jack.  One of my favorite names of all time.  So much so, that I have christened my last son Jack Cash Ryley, after Johnny Cash’s brother that I admire so much.  Another minor fringe character in life with humongous influence.  Of course, mainstream society will always idolize Johnny, and in many ways, so do I.  But the minor character in Johnny’s life was his biggest influence; a fact party liners miss completely.  A fact that Johnny, Jesus, and Jours-Truly, completely get.

Armed with the manufactured confidence his brilliant name brings me, I am determined to approach him on my next trip out of town. 

I pull over next to him.  He’s in his car.  Napping.  I tap on the window.  His eyes pop open, and he immediately cranks down the window.  Manually, of course.  Not sure what to expect, I’m half expecting him to smell or ‘feel’ like the homeless people I have chatted with on 3rd Street downtown.  He’s none of that.  Sure, he’s a little grisly.  And there is a slight waft of alcohol.  But he’s groomed with no odors.  A little shakey, but oh!  So kind!  Immediately I think of one of my favorite movies.  John Merrick and The Elephant Man. 

We exchange a greeting and he is pleased with my gift.  Home made cookies.  Thus begins my relationship with Jack, and the following dance repeated over several years:

Light knock knocks on the drivers window.

“Coupons, Jack?  For Jack-in-the-Box?”

“I thought of you when I brought coffee today.  Here.”

Jack is gracious.  Jack is kind.  Jack is sweet and mysterious, and every visit inspires another.

Snow arrives.  I’m concerned. 

“Hi, Jack!  Chrismas cookies?  Pretzels?  I bought you this down blanket.  It’s cold.”

Jack is always delighted with goodies, but steadily refuses blankets or other comforts.  He’s always “fine” and “has plenty of those”.  Looking into his little car-apartment, I’m skeptical, but would never push my sweet friend.

Jack never says much through the years.  There is something wonderful and divine about this soul created in God’s image that I grow to love.  You come to understand he is uncomfortable with too much prying or conversation, so despite your hearts longing, you respect that, and are forced to relate on Jack’s terms.  Nevertheless, you dream about building a rapport wherein he would trust you to come home for Thanksgiving.  Or Christmas.  Help him find a real home.  Bring him to the doctor.  You know, properly loving him, real good.

Years roll on.  Hundreds of trips and prayers past Jack’s Maverick.  There is something very comforting about seeing Jack and the blue Maverick.  He is part and parcel of our life now. 

Last Thursday my daughter called with a crushing blow.  I crumble on the phone, and my heart is ripped open. 

Help me, Jesus…and Good Bye, Jack.

Interesting pattern this [old at least for MH standards] gal has noticed over the years.  (Characters, churches, and situations subject to change; interesting factor does not) :

[One] attempts to encourage [one other] in a small group, whom, for instance, is say frustrated with marriage and having difficulty submitting to [one's] husband.  However, the [one] attempting to encourage is likely a “nobody”, just Somebody in God’s economy that Jesus has divinely appointed in good Providence to the small group with Biblical wisdom to share for [one struggling].  However, the ["nobody"]’s advice is easily dismissed by [one other] because she is [a lay person? 'just' a member? ie, a 'nobody'?], however lovingly and graciously said.  In this scenario, [nobody] may share Scripture passages from 1 Peter 3, or Ephesians 5, or bevy of other appropriate prescriptive and descripture passages that absolutely apply to [one struggling's] situation.

Interesting.

Small encouragements from Scripture given by [nobodys]. Week after week.  Lovingly and graciously shared.

Forgotten?  Easily dismissed and discarded by [one struggling].

 Then!

[One struggling] comes to group, thrilled!  [One] has met with a [Pastor's slash and/or elder's slash and/or other such titled] woman!

[Titled] woman has encouraged [one struggling] to, low and behold, [!] think about Scriptures from 1 Peter 3, or Ephesians 5, or bevy of other appropriate prescriptive and descriptive passages from Scripture that apply to [one struggling's] situation.

[One struggling] is thrilled!  She appears revolutionized!  She applies Scripture and is amazed that it WORKS!  She extols [one Titled] woman as Brilliant!  Spot on!  A God-send!

The [one or nobodys] i.e., lay-woman[en] in small group is [are] baffled.  Silent(ly amazed). 

Truth is truth, after all.  

Yet, [one "nobody"] is happy that the Word is now believed.  And applied.  And working.

Sure, it’s human nature.  It’s just…

Interesting.

“As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless.”   2 Samuel 22:31

“It is written:  Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”  Matt. 4:4

“Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.”  John 17:17

“For the word of God is living and active.  Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”  Hebrews. 4:12

“All your words are true.”  Psalms 119:60

Truth is truth.  No matter who Jesus chooses for the mouth piece.  He can even use a jack a**.

**Numbers 22:28

Here are a few thoughts on walking with a loved one through a season of pain. 

1) There is a time to mourn.  There is a time to weep.  Ecc. 3:4

Some day in the future, there may be a time for advice or a time to try to cheer up.  But respect the time to mourn.  Weep with those who weep.  I have noticed when I am seriously hurting, there are some people that I just can’t have around because their response is to either give advice or try to distract me from my pain.  Instead, I have to walk through my pain, and I treasure those who have the love and patience to walk with me. 

2)  Be quiet. 

Listen.  Don’t talk.  I don’t mean that we need to remain mute when coming alongside the hurting, but take seriously James 1:19, “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”  When your hurting friend speaks, you listen.  You listen well and ask follow up questions.  You don’t redirect the conversation away from your hurting friend and toward yourself.  If your friend needs to talk through their pain, listen. 

3)  Don’t pretend the pain doesn’t exist. 

This is particularly important when it comes to the death of a loved one.  Don’t ignore the person who passed on in an effort to distract your friend.  They are missing their loved one, and you can’t ignore them anymore than a big white elephant standing in the room.  I remember meeting at a restaurant the parents of a friend who had died unexpectedly a few weeks before.  We all talked like nothing had ever happened, and I regret to this day that I ignored the elephant in the room.  I wish I had said simply, “I am so sorry for your loss,” and then given them a hug.  I, of course, had no idea what to say.  But I realize now that saying NOTHING was even worse.

If your friend just lost her child, let her show you the hand made blanket she wrapped him in.  If she’s having problems getting pregnant, love her enough to check on her about that specifically.  If her father died unexpectedly, don’t avoid mentioning the beauty of the deck he was building for her before he died.  Whatever the situation, don’t feel you have to do acrobatics to avoid the elephant in the room.   If talking about their loved one fits the occasion, then do it. 

3)  When the time comes, speak the truth with love.

Support and encourage your loved one with the truth of God.  But remember that speaking truth alone is not necessarily loving.  If that were the case, Paul would have no need in Ephesians 4 to exhort us to both speak the truth AND speak lovingly.  So point your friend to the character of God in loving ways.  The way you say things and the empathy you show have power to minister grace to your loved one according to Paul’s instructions on language at the end of Ephesians 4.  In times of pain, there is hope in the fact that God is sovereign and in control.  But there is also questioning and pain.  Wrestle with your loved one as they struggle with the sovereignty of God in the midst of their painful circumstances.  Don’t cop out with easy answers. 

I hope that is helpful food for thought.  I don’t claim to be an expert on this by any means, but these are ideas that have been on my mind through times of my own pain. 

Sorry, I didn’t mean to trick you with a “How To” title, because, I’m not going to be telling you how to make a budget and keep it. I need help with it. I know technically, if I sit down with my husband and write a budget, I could just follow it, and save money, but it seems like it’s a lot harder to keep a budget, than to talk about it.

So I need some advice from ya’ll. Men and women are welcome to comment.

What do you do to make a budget, and HOW in the world do you stick with it?!

I’m not sure if there is a correlation, but I’m experiencing random microwave popcorn cravings this afternoon … and wondering if the vaccine I had for Typhoid this morning could be related? Hmm … while I ponder that some more, let me explain what I’m talking about!

This seems to be a great month for announcements on the Reforming the Feminine blog … Candice is pregnant … Hannah is getting married … well I don’t have an announcement quite as exciting, but I do have some news and I’m happy to share it with you!

My last post was about the scarf project I’ve undertaken to raise funds to equip sewing schools in India where widows in need learn skills-training to be able to support themselves. My news is that since then I have been given the opportunity to travel to India myself this summer to visit the schools where instruction is given and meet the women I’m helping to support!

So I find myself in the midst of a whirlwind of travel plans, Visa applications, vaccines for developing countries, travel insurance and the like. I really don’t know exactly what to expect next! The cool part though, is that with each part of this whole process I’m able to give it all to Jesus knowing that he has allowed me to take part in such a cool endeavor. This morning is a great example as I was sitting waiting for a series of shots I thought, “Ok Jesus, I am really committing to this. I’m being poked in the arm with all sorts of things, going to swallow some really big pills, and it’s really expensive. But if this is really what you have for me, then great!” And I can honestly say that now as my arm kind of hurts I’m smiling, because I know the ache puts me just a little bit closer to the destination!

I have to say, I’m amazed at how this small project has exploded and has begun to change my life. I’ve definitely never been very interested in overseas missions and have never felt persuaded to sacrifice my time to actually go and visit people in need to learn more about how I can help. But for the first time I am so excited and anxious at the same time; I have no idea what might be in store for me!

I am compelled to go and learn about the lives of the women this project is supporting. I want to meet them, know them, sit and laugh with them and sew with them. I want to learn from their hardships, their lives, their stories. My flesh wants to jump up and say “I’m going to fix all their problems!” But as I talked with a friend the other night who just returned from a developing country I was really convicted that rather than me going on this trip to help others, I’m going to learn more about Jesus and to experience life from a totally different perspective.

I hope that I’ll be able to help and encourage. Maybe what I know about sewing will help their school? I don’t know. But really, I hope that I am able to go on this two-week trip with an open heart; I hope to really get to know these women so that I can come home and encourage others to get involved, buy a scarf, pray for a woman, and just be willing to make a difference!

Do you have a fun experience or some wisdom to share from international traveling? If so, I’d love to hear! Leave a comment … a funny story, a sad story, an encouraging story!

At what age do you cross the line from being a swinging single with (often naive) notions of finding the man of your dreams to a world-weary veteran of singleness?

How do you find joy and peace in singleness after the death of your youthful assumptions of how your life would look at this stage?

Several women asked for teaching on these questions in the surveys from the women’s retreat at Semiahmoo this month. While a half-day teaching from a year ago won’t completely answer the burdens and concerns mentioned in the surveys, we want to highlight what is already available on this subject for those who may have missed it.

Maturity in Singleness, part 1
Deacon Amy Lockman discusses the emotional, physical and spiritual battles faced by single women who are over 30 (or close to it!) and what a biblical response to these pressures looks like.

Maturity in Singleness, part 2
Wendy Alsup, deacon of Women’s Theology, speaks on the importance of being in community with women in varying stages of life.

I remember when I walked into Mars Hill and was afraid of the other women around me. They didn’t say much, which made me feel different from the get-go. And they all seemed so pretty, put together, and too busy with their spouses, children, and current circle of friends to honestly say hello to a new woman.

This was just my impression. I think a lot had to do with the fact I started by attending Ballard where it may seem to be the rule rather than the exception that you can wander in and out of that building without so much as a ‘hello’ from a greeter, especially if you are shy.

But I got adopted in. And instead of seeing a bunch of mute Christian Barbies running around Mars Hill (more…)

I’ve been trying for weeks to come up with some one thing that God is doing in my life, or something I’ve learned, or something valentine’s-y, just something.

And then sitting in church today, I realized that I can’t. But I can share some of the many thoughts running through my head.

1. There are some things that you do not just ‘get over’. They cling, they stick, and are with you for the rest of your life – for better or worse, though some days they are closer than others. About 19 months ago a very good friend of mine was killed in a motorcycle accident; Superbowl weekend I was able to spend some time with his brother and parents. They are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. And though we all know that Jordan is home with Jesus, there is still grief in that for now we aren’t with him. For me it is easier to push that aside - not many of the people I am around in the day to day knew Jordan, and it’s easier to move on with the everyday tasks and have that hanging in the back instead of the front of my mind. Then I see his family, whom I have so much love for that I don’t know how to express it. Thoughts run through my head, “just get over it, he’s with Jesus anyway” or “it’s been awhile, you should be better by now.” But I’m not, and they’re not. And that’s ok. Grief is ok, even when it’s been awhile. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse. And it’s ok to miss someone you love.

2. You are never “just that way.” (more…)

By Trisha Wilkerson, wife of Pastor Mike Wilkerson.

For a few years, I have talked about a woman named Margaret. She is a fictitious woman I’ve made up, trying to understand the Martha and Mary story in Luke 10. I jokingly call the blend of both Martha and Mary “Margaret,” assuming that there must be a gal that is both a hard worker and a worshiper. My tag line in the Margaret story has been: “Sure, Mary had it right–setting at the Lord’s feet listening to his teaching–but hey! JESUS had to eat!”

But I am starting to grasp that Margaret isn’t the answer. I am starting to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.”

Martha:

All of my Christian life, I have heard about the differences between Martha and Mary. Often it is suggested that Martha is the stressed out sister concerned about tasks. She can’t relax because “there is much to be done.” Martha works hard but seems to lack the peace and worship that goes with working heartily unto the Lord. When God himself is a guest in her home she can’t even handle (more…)