How To Stay Single At Mars Hill

By Nadia
Previously published in Vox Pop’s March 2007 issue.

Oh, it’s among us. It is unchecked. It is ravenous. They couch it in all kinds of subtle words and try to downplay it all the time. They say that our church is ‘predominantly single,’ lulling you into a false sense of security via majority. They say that our cultural trend, especially in Seattle, is increasingly single, and decreasingly married, as if numbers once in our favor will stay that way permanently.

But let’s face the cold hard facts, amigos. Marriage is a flat out epidemic at Mars Hill, a flat out EPIDEMIC. And if you’re not careful, you’ll be next!

I had a girl friend, she was in my community group. She was young, she was beautiful, her laugh made me laugh; her life was so innocent and simple. We never thought it would take her. Suddenly, there was a Mars Hill man at a Mars Hill party. Then the devastating news: “courtship.” She’s getting married this spring now, and there you have it: another one bites the dust. If you’re a single and attend Mars Hill, you likely know someone with a similar story. Or are you still in that naive ignorance of, “it could never happen to me”?

What do we do? How do we protect ourselves from the rampage of holy matrimony? What can be done to insure that it is not US for whom the wedding bells toll?

I care about you. I care about you all. So I have been researching and practicing myself.  Without further ado, let me share with you a little ‘how-to’ . . .

How To Stay Single at Mars Hill*
by: Nadia

1. Make a critical comment in the Covenant forum. I’m serious. There is a 99% success rate for Covenant posters to remain single. And if you gripe about the opposite sex, you boost your chances for another year of singleness by about 700%. I almost didn’t post there because it seemed to be the ‘easy out’ for avoiding marriage, but I eventually felt like being safe was more important than being strong, so I have my 2007 innoculation taken care of.

2. Scowl. This works so well for me. I have found that my natural, unplanned facial expression is a cross between a scowl of disapproval and a death glare. I am fortunate enough to subconsciously make this face when I am deep in thought, listening, confused, or just daydreaming. This covers 80% of my life, so I only have to manage the other 20% of my time. I’m telling you, boys do not walk up and ask you out when you are shooting fiery darts of ill-will from your eyes.

3. Don’t volunteer. Seriously, this is so important. If  you volunteer, you run the risk of meeting someone. I really need to take my own advice on this one, and I realize I am walking a dangerous line. In one of the places I volunteer, I meet at least 3 new guys every week, not to mention interact with another dozen or so. This can be very stressful, as several of them are at high risk for marriage themselves; they have jobs, they’re established, they’re listening to Mark preach Ruth… they are so susceptible, it’s not even funny. I shouldn’t even be breathing the same air. However, if you are in a situation like me, where your volunteering position requires you to interact with the cooties, then you may find the next point helpful:

4. Moving targets are a lot harder than the other kind. If you have to interact with people of the opposite sex, whatever you do don’t stand still. You might be approached. You might have to engage in a friendly conversation. You might be asked for your phone number!! So, keep moving! Do what you have to do, move from Point A to Point B to Point C, and make it snappy!

5. Should you err and find yourself in a sticky situation of having been asked your phone number, try any of the following that I have used with measured success:
          a. start laughing, and say, “no way, are you joking?”
          b. say “I don’t like dating, and plus you’re a stranger.”
          c. cross your fingers and say, “OK” and give them your number, and
              hope you have my kind of luck, and they don’t ever actually call
              or speak to you again.
          d. get wide-eyed, turn around and flee from temptation.

6. Plug your ears whenever Pastor Mark talks about how great marriage is, or starts talking about his wife and kids. You must be coldhearted. You must be strong. Don’t let the sermons get to you!!

7. If Mark has just finished preaching a sermon promoting marriage, love, and men initiating, if you are a woman, do not walk, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 - after the sermon run STRAIGHT for your car. It is critical you cross the lobby and are out the door (don’t smile at the dashing security guy!) in under 10 seconds. 

8. Write 1 Corinthians 7:8 on notecards and tape them around your house, like garlic for the vampires.

9. Cut Song of Solomon and selected verses from Proverbs out of your Bible.

10. Only attend events and parties specifically for your gender.

11. NEVER attend a party thrown by Mars Hill married friends, especially if they think you’re a “great girl” or a “great guy.” They would like nothing more than to take you down with them.

12. For that matter, you really should limit your exposure to married people. Hang out just with singles. Mars Hill married people not only throw parties to try to get other people to contract and develop marriage, but they plant all sorts of ideas in your head. Through their own interpersonal interactions, through those stupid stars in their eyes, through their advice that is grounded in reality and experience… friendship with a married MH couple is just asking for it.

13. Make a list. Oh this is my favorite. Some of my single boy heroes have championed this technique. Get a piece of paper. No wait. Get a stack of papers. Make up as many requirements for a spouse as possible. And be specific, none of this “must love Jesus, and be cute to me” general stuff. Think, “must be 5′9″ with long blonde hair, ride a vespa, detest fish farming and raise their hands in worship but never speak in tongues.” Recommended additions: must want ___ children, spend a lot of time reading philosophy, be a world traveller, be a charismatic speaker, play some instrument in a band, wear cool clothes, be funny but never laugh at me, virgin, homeschooled, sing in the choir, have a tragic look on their face, be poetic, a good listener to my own tragedies and poems, etc.

14. Enforce the list. It would be good to commit your list to memory, though if you make it the appropriate length, this may be difficult. But when you meet someone, you should, as Saint Peter admonishes us, “always be prepared to give an answer” - have that list ready for why you should not even have a conversation with a specific person. Oh, and if they don’t break any of your requirements on your list, make up a new one and add it to the list.

15. Ladies: If he asks you to coffee freak out, and either say no, or say yes and clam up and don’t say a word the whole time. After all, he is definitely going to try to marry you!!! Gents: Ask her out for the classic “coffee,” and don’t try to do anything original. Originality has been the cause of many a swooning woman. Dooooon’t do it.

16. Develop a strong crush on someone you don’t know and don’t have any way of meeting, and channel all your affections that way so that you can stay focused on a dream in your head rather than talking to the real people nearby. After all, marriage is for real people in real life. As long as you can dream up something in your mind, you’re safe. I’ve been practicing this one since highschool. It’s a great one!

It’s a dangerous place, friends. Pastor Lief has admitted that hundreds of people get married every year at Mars Hill. Don’t be another statistic.
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* disclaimer: this is a satire. this is only a satire. please do NOT follow this crappy advice.