Hiding away under an outward appearance of sanity, my thoughts are consumed with you.

I want your touch.

I long for your embrace.

I can not wait for our time together.

The lustful longing inside me builds until I can’t breath. I know that our time will be soon.  Only with you can I bare my inner ugliness. You love and accept me anyway that I am. 

As I see you approach I feel the tightness in my chest and the nervousness excites me. Hurry…just grab me and engulf me in your arms!  I long to melt in your embrace. All my fears, anxieties and worries are washed in your quiet whispers. I feel the chill down the backs of my legs. You are mine. You love me. You are always there for me.

Our time together today was a 2 hr blur. I am numb when it comes to an end.

I like this feeling. I try to make our time last as long as possible. I need you. You help me to face my life. 

I must leave you now. 

I have to go home to my family. You, my secret love, are not far from my mind. Only tucked away behind the face of a “Christian” woman.  I know that my secret is safe with you.   

What is the truth?   What are the facts?  Black/white no grey.  I am married.  I have been a Christian for most of my life.  I have had a secret lover for many years.  Want to know more?  It is not pretty…Read on at your own risk…

His attacks were so ferocious that I was left bleeding from his blows.  I hurt.  He told me I deserved it. Yes abusive, controlling, but I could not leave him. He is so convincing. “You are nothing without me, worthless, nothing special”. Why do I keep turning to him? It is not pretty…

Please help me.

No!  You might take him away.

Yes, I am ready, ready to tell. I have heard that the truth shall set you free.  I want that, so here goes:  My secret lover is…My secret, my lover, my friend is…

is….

is….

is ED. 

Ed, I said it.

Ed is my eating disorder. 

***

In the United States, as many as 10 million females and 1 million males are fighting a battle with an eating disorder.  Millions more are struggling with binge eating disorder.  There has been a rise in incidence in young women in each decade since 1930, and certain disorders TRIPLED between 1988 and 1993.

80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance.  The average American woman is 5′4″ tall and weighs 140 pounds. The average American model is 5′11″ tall and weighs 117 pounds.  Most fashion models are thinner than 98% of American women.*

*www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

www.remudaranch.com

ReFem is dedicating the first Sunday of the month for the next year to “Eve”, a  pilgrim on mission to recover from her eating disorder at Mars Hill.  Eve is involved in Reveal, a ministry of Mars Hill that offers help with letting go of destructive behaviors and communicating thoughts and feelings in honest ways.  For more information contact care@marshillchurch.org.

This last week has been a crazy one.

A good friend’s mom is in the hospital after 2 heart attacks. Another friend has just had surgery to remove a cancerous brain tumor, and another has said the final goodbye to her mom as Jesus took her home in her daughter’s arms.

For me, grieving and baking are intertwined, so I thought I would share one of my favorite recipes for chocolate cake (with no cholesterol I might add!), and some of the steps I’ve learned in the grieving process.

1. Grieving is ok, it is not a dumb, weak or selfish thing to do.
2. Crying is ok.
3. Figure out how you let your stress and grief out, and allow yourself time to do it.
4. Find someone you can talk with about your grief, whether a good friend or a counselor. Sometimes it’s necessary to talk with someone outside of the situation, as they can have insights into things you would never see.
5. Remember, grieving takes time, don’t expect to just “OK” a few days, or a month, or even a year or years.
6. Most importantly, spend time with Jesus. Pray openly and honestly. Read your Bible, as cliché as that sounds. If it’s too much to read, ask someone to read to you.

I really wanted to try and intertwine cake and grief, but it just didn’t work in words. I will say this though, as I’m typing, a low-fat chocolate cake sits on the table next to me.

Recipe

Ingredients:
1 1/4 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tablespoon white vinegar
1/3 cup Hershey’s cocoa
6 tablespoons extra-light corn oil spread
1 cup Skim milk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spray two 8-inch round pans with cooking spray. In bowl, stir flour, cocoa and baking soda. In saucepan, melt corn oil spread; stir in sugar. Remove from heat. Add milk, vinegar and vanilla to mixture in saucepan, stir. Add dry ingredients, whisk until well blended. Pour evenly into pans. Bake 20 minutes or until wooden pick inserted comes out clean. Cool.

By Nadia
Previously published in Vox Pop’s March 2007 issue.

Oh, it’s among us. It is unchecked. It is ravenous. They couch it in all kinds of subtle words and try to downplay it all the time. They say that our church is ‘predominantly single,’ lulling you into a false sense of security via majority. They say that our cultural trend, especially in Seattle, is increasingly single, and decreasingly married, as if numbers once in our favor will stay that way permanently.

But let’s face the cold hard facts, amigos. Marriage is a flat out epidemic at Mars Hill, a flat out EPIDEMIC. And if you’re not careful (more…)

IF…

1. You regularly spend all day before your community group preparing your home for 15 - 20 friends and strangers to converge on your furniture, living space, kitchen, and personal space;
2. You have begged, pleaded, and even cried to get your group to bring food each week and now you’re at your wit’s end and spending over your personal food budget each week;
3. You have realized that when you used to think your spiritual gift of hospitality was a wonderful reason to have people in your home, in actuality it has meant wine stains on your carpet, dishes broken by well-meaning college guys trying to help clean-up, and lonely single people hanging around til all hours of the night because unlike you, they do not have a family to go home to once the group is over;

Ladies, you know who you are … if one or all of the above applies to you, you may be a Burned-Out Community Group Hostess!

Ha, as if this were news to you, right? The thing is, if you have grown tired of people in and out who aren’t respecting your home, your family, and your things and if you feel as though your hospitality is taken advantage of week after week, you are probably quite aware of your growing bitterness. It’s your husband or group leader, and probably the attenders of your group who are oblivious to your growing frustration. The worst part is that it seems selfish to feel bitter about something that you probably also feel called to do. Doesn’t anyone understand how you spend all day setting up chairs, making cookies, cleaning the bathroom, and hiding your favorite cookware wedding presents so that they aren’t accidentally ruined in the dishwasher by a groupie with good intentions? Don’t they realize that you too have a life and although you want to serve, you want to see others open up and feel welcomed, that you also have needs and one of them is to feel respected by the people you so consistently serve?

It may be surprising to you that I am actually not a community group hostess. So perhaps all of the above is completely untrue and all 150 of you hostesses have no frustration or trials with your community group. If so, great! However as I have watched my own group grow together I have seen how sometimes it’s really easy for those of us who simply attend a group to take all that the hostess does for granted. So if the above describes you even a little bit, I think you should know you are not alone! And instead of letting the enemy rob you of the joy of serving your group, take a few minutes to think about how to practically work out some of your frustrations so that you can once again truly enjoy being part of a community and feel like one of the most important and respected members of your group - because you are!

A few guidelines for staying sane as a hostess that I humbly offer (because like I said, I currently do not host, although I have in the past)…

1. Repent of bitterness. Yes, really! If you are feeling bitter toward your group or certain people in your group, give it to Jesus and repent! Recognize if you are being prideful in your service or self-righteous. Remember that as Christian women we are called to be merciful and James says that “mercy triumphs over judgment.” Don’t be like Martha in your service and become indignant when others are not stepping up the way you think they should.

2. Establish clear boundaries around your time and home. That said, you also should not feel like you have to let group members walk all over you and your home. Sit down with your group coach and leader and pray through some of the issues you are having. Come up with some solutions and graciously present them to the group. Be loving and firm, and know that just because you’ve opened your home does not mean that you have to give attendees free reign of your time and possessions. When issues come up (knives and pans put in the dishwasher, food left on the floor, chairs left unstacked at the end of the night, a parking situation that is irritating your neighbors and compromising your witness to them, groupies staying too late into the night and interfering with your child’s sleep schedule…) write them down and be willing to address them once or twice a month. If you feel you cannot do it without sounding accusatory, ask the leader to include this in announcements. “Please do not park in front of the blue house across the street. The mom with five kids who lives there has specifically asked that we leave her parking space open.”

3. Delegate. As the hostess, remember that you cannot do it all. Your obligation to your group comes after your commitment to Jesus, to your husband, and to other close relationships in your life. Rely on others in the group to choose food themes each week and then delegate specific items to each person bringing food. Our group’s system has worked well for a few months: each week 3 people bring food. They bring specific items for a specific theme which end up costing about $15. For example, we have a baked potato bar and one person brings potatoes, one brings toppings, and the last brings salad. Delegate writing prayer requests down and emailing them out. Create a system for catching contact info from new people and have another person manage that so that you aren’t continually bombarded with requests for “the new person from three weeks ago email address”.

4. Participate! Don’t let your focus be so much on hostess that you don’t get to actively engage and participate in group discussion. The whole point of community group is to be involved in the body of believers who grow together, but if you are always getting up to get a glass of water or start a pot of coffee, you’ll miss out on some great chill time with people who should be near and dear to your heart. Be sure to take the time to be like Mary and sit at Jesus’ feet. See the people who come into your home with His eyes and be willing to listen to their stories, their pain, and their laughter. Then reciprocate and share your story, your pain, and laugh with them.

So the next time a college guy offers to wash dishes and you worry that if he breaks another glass in the sink you’ll be down to only 2 from the set that started out as a set of 12…. ask him if he’d like to serve the group instead by setting up a group blog, taking down prayer requests, or arriving early to set up chairs. Hostesses: Do you have any words of wisdom or advice for other hostesses? I’m sure they would love to hear anything you’ve found to make your job easier…

It is not uncommon for married women to experience, at some point in their marriage, a lack of sexual desire for their spouse.  This can be upsetting, even devastating, for both the husband and wife who find themselves in this unhappy situation.  There are many circumstances that can bring a woman to a point where she feels no physical desire for sex.          

It is not a great surprise that a woman may respond by withdrawing from her spouse physically, emotionally and sexually if she is being mistreated by him.  But most women who struggle with a lack of desire love their husbands deeply and want to be close to them, they just don’t want to have sex with them.  They may have greatly enjoyed sexual intimacy in the past, but now find it repulsive.  Why the change?  What is the solution?  

Scripture clearly states that men and women who are married are to have sex, and have it regularly.  (Gen. 1:28, 1 Cor. 7:5)  We are not to deprive one another, and what’s more, our bodies belong to our spouses.  We no longer have jurisdiction over them; our husbands do.  Our husbands’ bodies are ours to enjoy as well. (1 Cor. 7:3-4)  Scripture does not command us as wives to desire our husbands sexually at all times.  It is not a sin for a woman to lack sexual desire for her husband.  The point at which it becomes a sin is when a wife is unwilling to give her husband access to her sexually.  This can lead to many problems including bitterness, resentment, sexual temptation and frustration and a lack of confidence in the husband.          

A lack of desire can in some cases be a medical problem.  If the reason for your desire problem is not obvious to you or your spouse, checking with your gynecologist is always a good idea.  Medical issues can affect libido.  Certain prescription medications, such as anti-depressants and some herbs, can affect libido as well, so be sure to ask you doctor about that if you take any medications at all.  Be cautious of a doctor who quickly prescribes supplemental hormones without doing a full blood panel; this has become a common and dangerous practice of late.  If you are pregnant, breastfeeding, menopausal, postnatal, recently miscarried or are struggling with infertility, all these things can affect libido.  Hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy can both increase and decrease your libido, sometimes in the course of a single pregnancy!  Women who are breastfeeding may have a hard time transitioning from feeding the baby to being sexual with their spouses, and may struggle with vaginal dryness as well, which can discourage anticipation of sex.  Menopause also lowers libido and causes vaginal dryness.  If you have miscarried or are struggling with infertility, you may associate sex with conceiving a baby to the degree that you can’t focus on any other aspect of the act and so it is too painful emotionally to become sexually aroused.          

If you have any type of abuse in your past, whether verbal emotional, physical or sexual, you may have a hard time being vulnerable in the way you must be to become one sexually with your spouse.  Because the Holy Spirit is living inside you, it is an act of worship when you come together with your husband.  Unaddressed sexual sin or abuse can greatly affect your ability to become physically aroused.  You may think, “It was a long time ago, it wasn’t that big a deal, I should be over that by now.”  But your body is clearly telling you otherwise.           

Maybe you are genuinely just so physically exhausted, that even though sex sounds like a good idea, your body doesn’t have enough energy to become aroused.  This is most common in new mothers or mamas with lots of little ones close in age.  A lack of sleep seriously affects many areas of your health over time, including your sexual arousal capacity and response.  Stress can have the same effect.           

I also believe that sometimes there is no answer.  Our God is a mysterious God, and He sometimes slows things in our lives we don’t understand to make us more holy.  Perhaps all you will ever understand about your low libido is that it is a blessing-yes, I said blessing!-God is allowing you to learn to trust Him in a new way.          

So what is the answer?  Assuming there is no medical problem present, begin by praying.  Earnestly seek the Lord and ask Him to reveal to you what He wants you to do in this situation.  Memorize verses about sex and what it means to God.  Meditating on these verses can change how you are feeling about sex.  Read the Song of Solomon, and pray through or memorize passages that are meaningful to you.   Talk to your spouse about what God shows you and commit your sexual relationship to Him together in prayer.  Take care of your body.  Get as much sleep as you can, eat well, drink lots of water.  Exercise increases libido.  Prepare to be with your husband intimately by thanking God for all the things you love about him, physically and otherwise.  You can also prepare yourself to be with him by thinking back on a time of lovemaking with him you enjoyed.  It is perfectly all right for a married woman to fantasize about her husband!  (Song of Solomon 5:10-16)  Walk through past abuse or sexual sin issues with a Christian counselor, small group or trusted friend.  Reassure your husband verbally and in non-sexual physical ways that you love him.  Make sex a priority, rearranging whatever is necessary in life until you have given it the proper place; remember, it’s a priority in God’s eyes and an entire book of the Bible is devoted to it! (Heb. 13:4)          

Here’s the hardest part.do not deny your husband sexually.  I know that might sound horrible.  I don’t expect you to lie there like a mindless automaton zombie, gritting your teeth and just waiting for it to be over.  That is not what our Lord intended.  The expectation in Scripture is that we come together as one with our spouses often, not that we are swinging from the rafters and having elaborate sexual exploits every night of the week.  Don’t allow the enemy to drive a wedge between you and your husband because you are separated physically.  If you really can’t handle intercourse at the moment, what can you handle?  Seek to satisfy your husband and meet his needs as far as you are able, and always be prayerful that God will increase your desire and your ability to respond to your husband sexually.

So the esthetician is chatting away as I’m getting my brows waxed, and my brain hiccups after her comment about, “…as your skin matures…”.  I hearing nothing she says after that.  “As I mature?  My skin matures?  What are you saying?”  The light-bulb comes on (more…)

By Nadia 

Lately I have been looking up blogs about Mars Hill and about Pastor Mark. I’ve learned a lot. And I’m realizing we, the body of Mars Hill, may be lacking in our blogging education somewhat. At least I have been. I don’t know that very many of us know how to truly blog sensationally. So I spent some in-depth time researching (which I soon discovered is one of the first no-nos of the Sensational Post), and now present to you (more…)

Last Sunday morning, a small redheaded girl squinted her face into a sustained grin that barely revealed her two emerging front teeth; another young boy walked four consecutive steps toward open arms, a three-step improvement from the previous week; and a pastor’s son showed me how to stack colored plastic Fisher-Price rings on the stand in order, displaying his rapidly growing cognitive skills. And these are only three of the gem moments of getting to serve Mars Hill parents by caring for the infants in the nursery each week.

Several months ago, God tugged me into serving in the nursery when my best friend found out that she and her husband were expecting a baby this October. I didn’t even remember how to hold a baby, much less comfort and entertain one. The kicker came when I suddenly realized that most of my friends were going to be in that “expecting” bracket within the next several years.

One of the most rewarding things I’ve done at Mars Hill has been serving in the nursery. Looking back, the children’s ministry has been a small taste of pseudo training for parenthood and a glimpse into the families of Mars Hill. And I have to tell you, I have a new respect for parents and mothers.

As our church grows to new campuses and more services, we are in need of many more volunteers to serve in the children’s ministry, among other ministries in need of increased help. Pastor Scott Thomas recently posted an article in Pastor’s Prayers about this specific need. If you are considering volunteering or wondering how to get involved, walk up to the Serve desk and they would be happy to help get you plugged in. Speaking from experience, I think you’ll be glad you did.

All my struggles are mental.  They may start out as physical issues (like those I encounter with diabetes or sleep deprivation) or relational issues (like tension with a spouse, coworker, or child), but they always end up as mental battles.  My success or failure in each circumstance ALWAYS comes down to how I handle it in my head.  

My mental battles usually all boil down to fear and fatigue.  As a teenager, I was insecure-lacking confidence, anxious, doubting myself.  As a single twenty-something, I faced depression-feelings of sadness, guilt, helplessness, and hopelessness-thinking that all hopes for the future hung on getting married and having kids, which I felt powerless to accomplish on my own.  As a married thirty-something, I faced depression again-this time after miscarrying and having problems getting pregnant.  Once again, I hung my hopes for the future on building a physical family.  Of late, I’ve battled insecurity and depression yet again.  It doesn’t matter that I have my family, a comfortable home, and a fulfilling ministry at church.  I still have mental battles.

This latest round of mental battles has taught me important truths.  First and foremost, we CANNOT peg our hopes for overcoming our mental battles on a change in our circumstances.  

      If only that guy would call me .
      If only my husband would do X .
      If only I wasn’t so sick .
      If only I could lose 10 pounds .
      If only they’d offer me a better job .
      If only my kids would obey me .

If you rely on circumstantial change to get you out of a mental funk, I’m here to tell you, any mental relief you get will be short-lived.  The 2nd thing I’ve learned (and it is tied to the first) is that the answer to fighting mental battles is NOT to work harder to solve your situation or spend more time analyzing your options.  

What is the answer?  For me, there is ONE THING that helps me mentally.  It is to step back and get a view of the big picture-i. e. the character of God and His kingdom purposes for us.  God is sovereign, compassionate, and wise.  In other words, He’s in control, He loves us, and He knows what He’s doing.  When my kids don’t obey me, God still rules over all.  When I’m overwhelmed by my inability to do all I need to do, God’s kingdom purposes will still be accomplished.  When I’m stressed by conflict with a loved one, God still rules over the hearts of men and His plan to conform us to His image still stands.  

God is doing His work.  His purposes will be accomplished.  But Satan’s lies permeate this world and, often, my mind.  So I have to do exactly what Paul told the Corinthians to do in 2 Cor. 10:5.

2 Corinthians 10:5 “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

I love the picture here-I think of it in terms of a rodeo.  Picture a big ring with animals of various sizes and strengths haphazardly running around.  Then the cowboy walks in with his lasso, ropes an animal, and brings it down.  Some are baby calves that are easy to take captive.  Others are raging bulls that only come down with fierce, determined strength.  By the Spirit’s empowerment, this is my job-lasso in thoughts that don’t jive with God’s Word and make them submit to the truth of Scripture.  

The big lie that runs around in my head in various forms is that God isn’t in control, my life is on the verge of going to hell in a hand basket, and if I don’t work fast and take control of everything myself, I’m lost.  I must identify that lie and lasso it in.  It has to submit to the truth-God is sovereign, He knows what He’s doing, and He is in control of the details of my life.  My need isn’t to think fast and do something, but to abide in Him, rest, and wait patiently on Him to work.

What is your big mental battle?  Can you identify both the lie and the truth from Scripture that refutes it?  If so, please feel free to share it here.     

1. Shoot from the hip. And do this without the wisdom from your Bible. Because, let’s be honest, you probably know more about life and situations than the Book that God wrote does.

2. Only give advice that you would take, and disagree with everyone else that has other advice about it. If you wouldn’t do it, neither should other people - even if the thing you wouldn’t do, is the righteous thing to do.

3. Let your emotions and scars from past, reign in your advice. Face it:  If you were hurt, most likely everyone else will get hurt too.

4. Rely on your feelings, instead of Scripture. Heart before head! Your emotions are always right, even if it compromises what Jesus says.

5. If you’re stuck, just think WWOS? WHAT WOULD OPRAH SAY?