Reforming the Feminine ContentI Need Jesus
My name is Wendy Alsup, and I am Deacon of Women’s Theology and Teaching at Mars Hill. Adriel, the blog administrator, asked me to write something about myself. I had a fairly long bio written out, detailing the path the Lord used to bring me from South Carolina to ministry at Mars Hill. But I’ve decided instead to write literally about who I am TODAY. In the past, the Lord has taught me beautiful things about Himself through well-defined trials with obvious beginning and ending points. But, TODAY, I am experiencing a “trial” that my husband calls “death by a 1000 paper cuts.” God has blessed me with a loving husband, 2 beautiful young boys, a nice home, and a vibrant ministry at church. And, yet, the very things I’ve longed for in home and ministry now threaten to crush me under the weight of daily responsibility.
I miscarried my first pregnancy and did not get pregnant again for a while. I immediately became convinced I would never get pregnant and began the intense emotional struggle faced by women battling infertility. We were planning Mars Hill’s first event on the issue of infertility when my pregnancy test came up positive. I was stunned. Oh how I wanted this baby!! Now, this little blessing is a precocious 2 ½ year old who was quickly followed by his 11 month old brother, who is triply precocious as the first. If there is a gate to be opened, a toy car to be stolen, or a gummy bear to be eaten off of someone else’s plate, my boys take advantage of it. My husband and I seem relatively calm people. How did we end up with 2 little guys who must touch and try everything?!
I have a master’s degree in math education. I’ve taught adults at our local community college for the last 5 years and high school students the 5 years before that. I love my tiny boys dearly, but I’m an adult educator and feel constantly behind in learning where they should be in their development. When do I switch from baby foods to solids? Do 2 year olds understand cause and effect? Does my 11 month old understand “No” yet?
So, TODAY, I am a well-humbled wife and mom. I battle feelings of failure daily. When an activity meant to entertain and stimulate ends up being the catalyst for yet another baby meltdown. When my well-planned day disintegrates into chaos because I forgot some important piece of baby gear. When my friends seem to handle the stress so much better than I do.
And, TODAY, I fall upon the gospel. I have to remember daily that my worth is not found in competing with my friends at this stage of life. My worth is not found in producing stellar little models of self-restraint. My worth is found at the foot of the cross. Jesus’ punishment on the cross has bought me peace, and by His wounds I am healed (Isaiah 53). He is the way, the truth, and the life. He doesn’t just show me the way. He IS the way. Jesus is the vine and I am the branch-and apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15). It’s not a competition. I don’t measure myself by my sisters in Christ who seem to have it all together. I am in Jesus, for Jesus, and by Jesus. “He is before all things, and by Him all things hold together (myself and my boys included).” Colossians 1:17.
Bottom line, I need Jesus. And there is only 1 book in the world that has first hand accounts of His life. EVERY other writing ever recorded on earth about Jesus is either mere speculation or based directly on the Bible. So saying I need Jesus is synonymous to saying I need the Bible. Jesus is the Word (John 1), and all we know of Him is contained in the Word.
So, right now, I daily throw myself on Jesus. Practically speaking, this means that the first semi-calm moment of the day (which I usually use to vacuum, unload the dishwasher, or check my email), I now sit down with my ESV journaling Bible and read the gospel of Luke. Since I really need the GOSPEL right now, it made sense to me to read through the Gospels themselves. When I finish with Luke, I’ll probably start John. I have loved reading of Jesus-rebuking the Pharisees, calling out to Zacheus, patiently teaching His disciples. Sometimes I only get 1 minute before the boys have lost interest in Go, Diego, Go and chaos breaks out anew. But even 1 minute spent staring up in His face makes all the difference in the world to my sanity at this stage.
Please don’t let this discourage you concerning children. This is just a particularly intense stage of life for me. In a few minutes, I’ll go up and hug my sleeping boys. The 2 year old may wake up and talk to me for a bit. I LOVE those late conversations with him that are only mildly understandable. But I do want to be honest that as a 37-year-old Bible college graduate deacon of women’s stuff at Mars Hill Church, I have never needed to daily meditate on the gospel and focus on the beauty of Jesus Himself like I do RIGHT NOW. To keep my sanity. To be a good steward of the gifts God’s given me. To fight off Satan the Accuser. To find peace and rest.
“Nothing in my hand I bring, Simply to Thy cross I cling;”
Rock of Ages, Augustus Toplady
P. S. If this resonates with you, you may enjoy listening to Pastor Mark’s recent sermon from Nehemiah on the “joy of the Lord is your strength“.
“My worth is not found in producing stellar little models of self-restraint. My worth is found at the foot of the cross. Jesus’ punishment on the cross has bought me peace, and by His wounds I am healed …It’s not a competition. I don’t measure myself by my sisters in Christ who seem to have it all together. I am in Jesus, for Jesus, and by Jesus.”
Amen! What a relief this truth is. Thank you, Wendy.
I love you Wendy!
At 57 looking back at 37 and 27, my “mommy stage,” I see how I needed to wedge into the daily round of living with two people who needed me to do most everything for them, a need of my own. I missed the intellectual stimulation of pre-motherhood. Rather than further fragment a life already fragmented, I dove into scholarly pursuit on issues addressing my children’s fascinating changes. I found that as a core need of mine was nurtured, my spirit was lifted.
I am almost in tears. I appreciate your heart and sharing so much. I am a first time mother of an amazing 7 month old baby boy in Boise Idaho. I am also a teacher at our School of Biblical Studies here and find myself juggling so many things. In the process beating myself down because I let my son watch Baby Einstein two times in a row. I don’t have many Women speaking into my life right now… nor many women who are passionate about the word at present and I just can’t thank you enough for sharing.