Reforming the Feminine ContentDearest Self
Dearest Self: Get over it.
Jealousy is ugly. It steals the joy of delighting in God’s blessings by shifting our focus to blessings God has chosen to give another. Jesus graciously revealed the depths of ugliness in my heart this week. I had the joy of getting together with a dear friend over smoothies and spending several hours with her, catching up on our lives over the past several months. My friend had several exciting new changes happening and was understandably beaming from gratitude at what God had brought into her life. He had bountifully dropped three of the core elements of life into her lap all in one month. New Christian man, exciting new job, beautiful new condo. I was thrilled for and with her. At the same time, my self was having a fit. And I knew I had no justification for it. I still don’t.
Honestly, my heart is still wrestling and very much in battle with the desires of my flesh. Desires to put my trust in myself, my strength and my wealth. Desires that would encourage me to pursue my career more intently so that I could support myself to another level of comfort. Let me clarify. I know that pursuing a career is not sin in itself; my motive to replace my reliance on Christ with a safety net of career is. To even hint that by working hard I could take better care of myself than my Creator is foolishness. And I have no argument.
Once again, Paul’s words in Romans 7 come flooding back, “But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness” and, “I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (vs. 8,15) When I was younger, I thought this verse would one day not apply to me. I would somehow reach a level of sanctification where I had mastered these issues. Humbly, I realize it does apply and will until I am no longer living on this earth. Gratefully, I come to the cross knowing that Christ is continually in the process of redeeming and sanctifying me to His Image, through his strength, not my own.
Seriously, it never stops. The process never stops. and sometimes it hurts.
xoxo
A little over two years ago I suffered jealousy like I’d never known. What added to the hurt even more was God closed the door on this desire that I was so jealous over. I was fortunate not to have ruined a friendship but the weight of my heart still haunts me.