By Elizabeth Pak

God blessed us with our first child - a beautiful, healthy daughter - on August 10th of 2006. After a quick delivery and short hospital stay, we brought our precious baby home. My mother came to stay with us and help us get adjusted. My husband Samson took a week off work to be with his new family. Friends and well wishers brought us meals and cooed over little Kayla. For a month, we lived in a whirlwind bubble of bliss and newborn cries and casseroles. It was wonderful.

Finally, after everything had settled down and my maternity leave was coming to a close, I did what I had been waiting to do for three years. I quit my job. I came home. I answered God’s call to be a wife and mother, to be home where my family needed me. It was a desire that God had been putting on my heart since we came to Mars Hill in the fall of 2004. I had been looking forward to it since my wedding day, anticipating it my whole pregnancy. I wanted to go to mom groups, to make fancy dinners. To have a daily devotional, to attend a women’s bible study. To clean out our spare closet and scrapbook all our old vacation photos. God was leading me home and I was ready.

And then it happened. Or rather, it didn’t happen. For years I had been waiting for the chance when I could finally leave the workforce. Week after week, month after month, I had listened eagerly to the encouragement of my family in Christ. Serve your husbands! Love your children! Yes, yes, I thought. That’s what I want!

Proverbs 14:1 - “The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.”

I read and heard countless stories of other Mars Hill moms who left the workforce to come home.  They were overjoyed, at peace, enjoying their children and loving their husbands, busy with ministries and the daily tasks of nurturing a family and household. I longed for that feeling of freedom, to do what God had truly designed me to do. I found encouragement in their stories and in the sermons and women’s teachings. When my time came, I felt fully equipped.

My mom went back home. Samson returned to work. We ate all the casseroles we could and froze what we couldn’t. I slowly settled into a daily routine with my baby. I was doing it! I was living the life. I took Kayla to baby classes. I joined a women’s bible study and a PEPS group. Samson was wonderful. He came home from work on time every day. He watched Kayla for me so I could have time for myself. He took me on dates every other week. The phrases I had heard so often over the past three years echoed in my head.

“We are plowing a counter culture!”
“It is a high honor to be a wife and mother!”
“I couldn’t be happier!”

But I couldn’t relate. I was miserable. I felt isolated. I missed my job. I missed my old work friends. I missed commuting. I missed my morning Starbucks drive through. My husband was taken care of. My daughter was thriving. But I was going crazy. I felt like my brain was rotting with every load of laundry I did. Every morning I woke up dreading the day and how I would fill the hours, regardless of how many activities I had planned. I was filled with resentment, bitterness, and discontentment.

Isaiah 59:2 - “But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear.”

In September, a month after our daughter was born, God blessed us yet again. Samson was offered a job and came on staff at Mars Hill. An amazing opportunity and one we had been praying for and yet I was immediately seized with fear. Great, I thought. I could keep up the happy housewife façade with my husband and friends, but under the watchful eye of an entire church? I would surely buckle under the pressure. Everyone would know how much I loathed being home. How would people react when they knew the truth? They would be shocked at my worldliness. They would shake their heads at my husband’s inability to shepherd his wife.

I grew increasingly angry with God. This isn’t how it was supposed to be! Where was my peace? Where was the joy and relief that I was supposed to feel? Hadn’t God called me home? Hadn’t he impressed this on my heart? I was surrounded by a wonderful supportive community. My husband was the most appreciative doting father, my daughter was the happiest sweetest baby, my friends were always there to guide me and walk with me. This is what I wanted, right? This was the calling that God had made me for. I was designed to be a mother to my child, a helper suitable to my husband.

I believed it in my head but I didn’t feel it in my heart. I was ashamed and shocked at myself. I was so disgusted with the ugly and horrendous condition of my heart that I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my husband. It was a secret sin that I harbored within myself. And the longer I kept my secret, the more the sin grew. I began to resent my husband and daughter for needing me. I grew bitter towards women who could answer God’s calling with a joyful heart when I could not. I knew what I was feeling was wrong, but I couldn’t confess it because by now I felt my sin was too great.  I had been feeding it for too long and it had grown out of control.

James 1:15 - “But then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.”

I was sick of my sin. I wanted it to go away. I prayed for conviction. I prayed for godly sorrow and not worldly sorrow. I prayed that I would serve my husband and raise my daughter for God’s glory and not my own.  I prayed that God would take these idols of self-righteousness from my heart. I prayed that I would live for Jesus and Jesus alone. God answered my prayer but He did not take away my sin.

I confessed to my husband. At first, Samson was shocked and hurt. He didn’t understand. Hadn’t he appreciated me? Hadn’t he been there? Loved me? Listened when I needed listening to? Understood when I needed understanding? Yes, he had. Then why was I feeling this way? I didn’t know. I did know, but I couldn’t tell him. It was too ugly to say out loud. I couldn’t tell him that I was a sinner who loved my own sin, even if it did lead to death. It wasn’t enough to be valued by God and to have my identity in Christ. I wanted the world to value me. I didn’t want to be appreciated for scrubbing toilets and changing diapers. I wanted to be validated by a pay check and the empty praise from others “in my field.”

And so I confessed, but it was still a partial confession. I couldn’t reveal to Samson the depths of my sin. I had peeked a toe into the light and it was too bright to my liking. I retreated back to the darkness.

Acts 26: 17b-18 - “I am sending you to them to open their eyes, so that they may turn from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me.”

Meanwhile, my husband prayed for me. He sought out wisdom from older, wiser men. He redoubled his efforts. Samson had always been a good husband and father. Now he was an excellent husband, an amazing father. He held me accountable when I was resentful. Things got a little better. I was reconnecting to my husband; I was finding joy in the daily tasks of my life. But God is a jealous God. I had only partially confessed, I had only partially repented. And God doesn’t want a partial confession or partial repentance. He wanted all of me. I longed for sanctification and comfort from the Lord, but I wasn’t willing to give myself up. The sin continued to fester in my heart.

Months past and I confessed to my husband again. If he was hurt and shocked the first time, he was devastated and frustrated the second time. Didn’t I see the destructiveness of my patterns? Yes. Hadn’t I been miserable while I was working? Didn’t I long to be home with my daughter? Yes. Yes! This is where God had called me! My body was in the right place but my heart still wasn’t.   Samson didn’t understand. He had thought things were getting better. I had seemed happy enough. I was making steps. I was having good days. But the truth was, I wasn’t really making any progress at all. I was a thorn bush masquerading as a fruit tree, nailing apples to my branches but harboring the seeds of worldly sorrow in my heart where only God could see.

The confession was hard on our marriage, but it was my first step in the right direction. God demands us to call our sin by its name and to confess it. By sharing my sin fully with my husband, I was stepping into the light. I was no longer hiding the evil parts of my heart. I was still a sinner, but I was free from my sin.

Galatians 5:1 - “For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Time passed, and I began to change, slowly but surely. I still struggled with being at home, but I no longer felt trapped by my sinful heart. Now that Samson knew the realness of my depravity, he could truly walk with me like God had intended. For the first time since the birth of our daughter, we were one flesh.

This past May, the Reforming the Feminine blog at Mars Hill came out. In the most loving way possible, Samson began pestering me. Write for the blog? I was seized with fear. I had confessed my sin to my husband, to my God, but to my family in Christ? I had thought I had been open about the condition of my heart, but suddenly, the thousands of people I had still been lying to came into view and I was saddened.

I didn’t know if I could handle exposing my sin. I could already see the reaction of horror and outrage of the church. If I was disgusted with myself, I couldn’t imagine how others would view me. Would they be indignant? Separate themselves from me? Did anyone else struggle with sin the way I did? Certainly no one I knew. All the ladies I had encountered had joyfully submitted themselves to God’s will in their lives. I thought of Samson’s position on Mars Hill’s staff and the upcoming reorganization. My husband would surely lose his job once everyone knew what a wretched wife he had. We’d have to find a new church. Sell our house. I imagined Samson working 60 hour weeks stocking shoes at Nordstrom while I tidied our immaculate tent city campsite and felt sick to my stomach.

And what about the mission of Mars Hill? We were here to glorify Jesus and the God-given roles that he had designed us for. We were supposed to be living our lives in order to commend the gospel.

Titus 2:5 - “…to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t think my current state was very gospel commending. I thought of the other people that would read my story. Weren’t they waiting for someone like me? People were good enough at twisting the truth when they heard true stories of redemption. Just wait until they heard about the unhappy housewife, the struggling stay-at-home mom. The perfect poster child to prove the gospel really didn’t transform lives and maybe Seattle didn’t need Jesus. I could see the blogosphere going crazy over this one.

As I write this, my daughter is 10 months old. I have been home for 9 of those 10. God has led me home. He has remained faithful to me as I have turned away from him. He has given me joy with my daughter and love from my husband when I have been undeserving. I wish I could say that I have conquered this sin, and that my heart is no longer wayward. That I truly live to glorify God in the role that he has given me. I long for that day, but it hasn’t come yet.  Yes, I have been freed from my sin. I have brought it into the light for everyone to see. God is working his redemptive work in me and I am prayerfully allowing him to transform my heart. But I am still a sinner. I still desire affirmation in the eyes of the world. I am still rebellious towards God’s will for my life.  There are still days when I am not living in grace, and I am still white knuckling my way through.

I wish I could have written this blog from the other side, a triumphant woman of God who had answered her calling and had peace with the Lord.  Part of me was tempted to wait until I could, but I am not sure how long that will be, and truthfully the day when I am no longer a sinner will not be a day that articles like this will still be relevant.

Lord, I thank you for giving me life and for loving me first. Thank you for giving me grace when I was undeserving. Thank you for knowing me in my sin. You have given me what I needed when I have asked for what I wanted. You have blessed me when I was undeserving and have shown me patience in my self-righteousness. Thank you for being a jealous God who desires true transformation and not just outward obedience. Thank you for continuing your work in me. I long for the day when it will be finished and I can truly be reconciled to you. I pray that I will love You above all others and that I would worship the one true God. I pray that I will give my whole heart to you. I pray for sanctification. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for grace. Thank you for your glory. Amen.

2 Timothy 2:12-13 - “If we have died with him, we will also live with him; if we endure, we will also reign with him; if we deny him, he also will deny us; if we are faithless, he remains faithful –  for he cannot deny himself.”

What women’s blog would be complete without a post on PMS, right?!  Since I have PMS right now, I’ll probably say some things that will embarrass me in two weeks when I come back to read this.  But this particular round of PMS has caused me to think about some issues concerning our theology, our physiology, and the interconnectedness of the two.  Does what I believe about God impact me when my hormones are out of whack?  I submit to you that if theology is irrelevant here, we are hopeless creatures indeed. 

Here’s some background.  I had my two boys pretty close together, so I haven’t had to battle PMS much in the last three years.  But now it’s back — bah humbug!  Though I have battled my fair share of sleep deprivation and hormonally-induced emotional turmoil over the last three years, I had forgotten the intensity of PMS.  I hate the world.  My life is horrible.  Everything is falling apart.  But if you ask me exactly what is wrong, the best I can come up with is that my boys fought sitting side-by-side in my double stroller last time we walked.  That means I can’t exercise outside with them.  That means I will never lose my baby weight.  I might as well Craigslist my stroller right away.  My world as I know it is coming to an end.

The funny thing is that today we went on a walk, and they mostly did fine.  Crisis over.  But I’m still in a bad mood.  And when I try to think why, all my answers today are as flimsy as the stroller one yesterday.  I had the same types of problems three weeks ago and they didn’t cause me to want to move to Idaho.  Nothing profoundly negative has developed in my life over the last two days.  So why now does life seem bleak?  In a word — hormones.  Nothing changed in my circumstances.  Instead, something changed in my physiology, and it has robbed me of my joy in the Lord. 

How do I get it back?  Is it hopeless to expect better until my hormones finish their run of emotional destruction?  I’ve faced a similar battle as a Type 1 diabetic.  Diabetics get what is known as hypoglycemic rage-irrational anger triggered by low blood sugars.  Early in my marriage, I had my biggest fights with my husband on our way to lunch when we worked together.  Then, after I ate and my blood sugar stabilized, my anger subsided and I couldn’t even remember what we fought about.  He, however, could!  Once, as I excused my anger toward him because of my very real insulin-dependent diabetes, he told me boldly, “Wendy, I know you can’t help feeling that way, but you don’t have to let it control you!”  That one comment altered my life.  It started me down a road theologically.  Was I really at the mercy of my diabetes without any hope of overcoming my anger?  Did I have a choice to be controlled by my anger? 

First, I found in Scripture that, in Christ, I am no longer a slave to sin (Romans 6).   Before I became a believer, I had no tools for dealing with my sin.  I was a slave to sin.  But Jesus has broken the chains that enslaved me and now I no longer have to obey sin like it’s my master.  But in my life, I’ve found that I often sit around with my chains still around my neck weighing me down, ignoring the fact that they are unlocked.  What does unwrapping these chains look like?  I can only tell you how it has looked in my life, but I hope it’s an encouragement for you.

Driving home recently after running some errands, I found myself traveling a mental path that led me deeper and deeper into depression.  I just wanted to cry.  Where was the joy?  An alarm went off in my head-nothing significant had changed in my circumstances over the last few hours.  Why was I responding this way?  Try as I might to pin my emotions on some flimsy circumstantial excuse, I realized this was coming from a physical place.  I clung to that idea with my last remaining rational ability and grabbed a granola bar to eat.  Sure enough, in twenty minutes, my irrational excuses for my depression were no longer needed. 

Here is the difference for me as a believer in Christ.  Because I know Christ and have the Holy Spirit living in me, I can now recognize when my thoughts start to travel down a depressed or angry path.  “That’s not Christ.”  Because I know Christ and have the Holy Spirit residing in me, I am equipped to recognize mental paths that are not consistent with Him.  For me, it’s this moment of recognition that is 90% of the battle!  “I know Christ, and this isn’t consistent with Him.”  That alone is the signal that starts me down the new and better path I’ve learned in Christ.  That path directs me to take my thoughts captive and make them submit to the truth I know about Jesus (2 Cor. 10:5).  When I have PMS or low blood sugar, it’s definitely a harder battle to reign in my thoughts.  But I have learned that with God, it is definitely possible!!!!  When my hormones are in good order, I still battle thoughts that I have to lasso in and wrestle to the ground in submission to the truth of Christ, much like a rodeo cowboy wrestles baby calves.  When my hormones are out of order, I feel instead like I’m wrestling a mighty bull.  But the Spirit equips me with the incomparable power of Christ (Ephesians 1:19-20) so that I can wrestle even that big bully to the ground and make him submit to the truth!  And that hope in the midst of physiological issues is of monumental importance for us as women. 

Audio resource review.

“For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.”   - Philippians 3:18-19

In January, over 400 women estro-fested at an all-day Women’s Training Day at MH: Ballard. Amongst the day’s teachings were 4 breakout sessions on different areas that are “big ones” for women: Romanticism, Physical and Spiritual Adultery, Modesty and Gluttony.

Crystal Munson spoke for a little over 50 minutes on the lesser-discussed sin of gluttony. The verse above is what she used as her launch point in discussing the underlying issues… of setting the mind on earthly things, and living as enemies of the cross of Christ in our self-sufficiency.

In a very vulnerable and close-to-home account, Crystal walks her audience through her own story, illuminated with the truth of Scripture, and urges us to not downplay overeating as just something that’s “unhealthy” rather than as the voracious and evil sin it is against God almighty.

If you struggle in the areas of eating too much, thinking about food all the time, fantasizing about being thinner, or how people perceive your body size, then… this is a very convicting and timely preaching of the gospel for you.

And that’s what she does … the first half of her talk is a very specific testimony of gluttony and the grace of Christ and the cross in her life, and in the second half of the talk, Crystal preaches the gospel.

It’s lunch-break length, which is good. But a lifetime of application… which is better.

I really encourage you to listen to it here.

It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.
- Chuck Palahniuk

This was on my Google quotes today. It made me laugh. Makes me want a rifle.

Is living alone lonely? I’ve never really thought so; recently it seems more so to me. Then again, that is yet another area that God has been changing my heart in. He continually shows me that I need to live in community, shows me the importance of it, of how He designed things.

On a completely different note, Psalm 73 has been stuck with me, or I with it since uhh.. June 2006. Thereabouts anyway, and God just keeps bringing me back to it, over and over, and I’m pretty sure that I’m missing something horribly obvious in it. The verses that stick out to me in it mainly are these:

21When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
22I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward You.
23Nevertheless, I am continually with You;
You hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will receive me to glory.
25Whom have I in heaven but You?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides You.
26My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

So that’s where I’m stuck. He’s continually with me, whom have in heaven but Him? And is there anything on earth that I desire besides Him?

Maybe that’s where the rub comes: what do I put before Him in my life?

That’s a frightening question, and one that I need to answer. To find a quiet place to be, and talk with Him, away from all the other busy things that so easily ensnare. Maybe I’m behaving like a beast towards Him. That is truly a dreadful thought.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2

I went to a women’s training day at church. It was really good, and is making me think a lot, pondering over things said, running them over and over my mind. I also managed not to talk to pretty much anyone the entire day, it was fantastic. Watching hundreds of women interact, listening to conversations (I am a horrible eavesdropper), having God kick me upside the head, being reminded of how amazing Jesus is. it blows me away how wonderful He is, and I wish that I had the vocabulary to express it.

I’ve missed reading C.S. Lewis of late, I come into and out of possession of his books right and left, and they have an odd comfort to me. So I’ll settle for random quotes instead.

“And then she understood the devilish cunning of the enemies’ plan. By mixing a little truth with it they had made their lie far stronger.” The Last Battle

“Until you have given up your self to Him you will not have a real self…” Mere Christianity

Monday was my 21st birthday. In light of that, I attempted to write a conclusive article about where God has brought me on the very relevant topic of alcohol in the past six months so that you would be encouraged and challenged by the intensity of my convictions and study. I had wracked up countless hours of conversation and study on this point and I believed I would have a concrete point to make. This is not the case. After those countless hours of conversation and honest prayers asking for guidance, I am still very much in process. God has been faithful and I have found many verses that have been relevant, but as most things in life, these convictions and revelations are only the beginning of a long conversation. I am beginning to realize Jesus, grace and Christianity are much more about the process of redeeming and renewing rather than a definite destination or conclusion. It’s a little discouraging, really. After 15 years of claiming Christianity, I am humbled and honored to say Jesus is still revealing himself in simple, profound ways. The most relevant and challenging verse I can share is 1st Corinthians 10:31 - “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” The Bible continually comes back to this point. It has become my new bench mark conviction for each day — which is humbling as Jesus reveals just how much grace I need each day. So while I have only enjoyed two drinks in four days, the state of my heart is still in examination and much prayer. As for the next six months, humility might be a good topic.

Our church regularly gets criticized for its emphasis on male leadership.  When our elders speak on the foundational need to reach the men of a culture, it’s interesting to watch the consistent outcry afterward.  “What about the women?”  “They are alienating an entire gender.”  “It’s creating division in the church.”  And the list of criticisms goes on and on. 

I find this all quite interesting.  Why do so many people think the wellbeing of women is threatened when a pastor focuses on reaching the men?  I think this outcry represents a wrong way of thinking about the spiritual wellbeing of men and women.  I submit this foundational truth.  Preaching leadership and spiritual maturity to men is good for women.  The goal of such teaching is that men would become what God intended them to be-mature stewards of their gifts, meeting their obligations at church and home out of the fullness of their identity in Christ through the gospel.  It’s teaching men to be faithful husbands (to their wives), compassionate fathers (to their daughters), and humble leaders in the church (to the men and women under their pastoral care).  Our church is filled with women who have been abused or neglected by their fathers, brothers, boyfriends, or husbands.  Some have been abused by men who claimed to be Christians.  While we minister to the needs of those hurt by a generation of men who abdicated their God-given obligations, we also teach a new generation of men to meet theirs.  But people inevitably attach false assumptions to this idea.  Here are a few.

1) When you teach the need to reach the men, the natural result is that you forget the women.  What?!  No one is saying ‘forget the women.’  Of course women need to be taught and developed for leadership in the church.  Preaching to men and development of women are not mutually exclusive ideas.  And the idea that Biblical male leadership naturally leads to oppression of women is a lie of Satan that is completely inconsistent with Christ’s example of humble servant leadership to which our men look.  This outcry reminds me of a mental battle I faced when I was having problems getting pregnant.  I was threatened by every sermon I heard that mentioned the value of motherhood.  I filtered everything I heard through my fears of never getting pregnant.  When my pastor discussed the value of motherhood, was he indicating that women who couldn’t conceive were condemned to something other than God’s best for them?  Absolutely not!  And he shouldn’t be required to give disclaimers in each sermon for every possible wrong way people could take it.  Many of us (myself included) tend to attach false meaning to teaching based on our own baggage.  When I find my identity in Christ and not any earthly status I’ve attained or shame I’ve endured, my security isn’t threatened when a pastor teaches content aimed at someone in a different situation than myself.  Singles shouldn’t be threatened by teaching to those who are married.  Childless couples shouldn’t be threatened (as I was) to teaching to parents.  And women shouldn’t be threatened by teaching to men.

2) When you teach that women can’t be elders/pastors, then you condemn women to underdeveloped spiritual gifts.  First of all, being a pastor isn’t a spiritual gift.  It’s an office in the church that utilizes many of the spiritual gifts.  Second, if #2 is truly the case, women won’t be the only ones with underdeveloped spiritual gifts.  The implication is that the only people in the church who have the opportunity to fully develop their gifts are those in senior leadership.  But that idea has no foundation in Scripture.  The great majority of mature, godly leaders in any church are not called to be elders/pastors.  However, this is no way limits the development or use of their spiritual gifts. 

There are probably more objections you could raise, but these are the two that immediately came to mind while reading reaction to teaching on the need for male leadership.  One other obvious point is that there are simply fewer men in our churches than women. The website  www.barna.org has a break down of statistics indicating that significantly more women than men read their bible, attend church and small group, and claim to be believers in general.  If this was any other under reached demographic, no one would cry out when a church emphasized reaching them.

I have spent significant time in a church where the men sat on the sidelines while the women ran the show.  Some women stepped up in a godly way to fill the vacuum.  Some women knocked others out of the way in a power grab.  Regardless, I watched time and time again the women suffer because the men abdicated their leadership roles in the home and church.  As a woman, I am profoundly thankful for leadership that challenges men and holds them accountable.  It is good for women when men take seriously their God-given obligations as fathers, husbands, and church leaders.

Book Review.

Isaiah 66:2 “This is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.” 

James 4:6 “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

What? Another book review? I know, I know. Last time I said I hate reading books. I do. Before I lose my credibility as your average “I don’t have time to read” Jill, let me tell you: I haven’t finished Humility yet. [But that's because I have had to read a bunch of other books for deacon training and this was not on the 'required list' so it's been backlisted several times. Yep, really, I don't HAVE to read this book. I'm voluntarily reading it. And I don't like reading. Does that say something?]

Ok, so now in typical Adriel fashion, I will highlight a few elements from the book rather than give you the big picture (sorry globals). Maybe it will whet your appetite to read this book. It is worth it. This, and How People Change have been the two most formative books in my spiritual walk over the last several years (besides the Bible, of course. And what really made these two books come in line right behind the Bible is pretty much because they’re full of the Bible themselves, but with some commentary to help me understand better!)

Highlight 1. An excellent and disturbing definition of pride.

C. J. Mahaney clearly defines pride, biblically, and one of his quotes is seared in my mind and stops me dead in my tracks when I find myself acting pridefully.

What is pride? It’s an attempt to usurp God’s glory. And Mahaney’s personal testimony on not blanketing its rotting & violent evil under the impotent and nebulous term “pride” now convicts my heart also when I recognize my own prideful interactions with people:

For the purposes of personal confession … rather than just confessing to God that “I was proud in that situation” and appealing to His forgiveness, I learned instead to say, “Lord, in that moment, with that attitude and that action, I was contending for supremacy with You. That’s what it was all about. Forgive me.”

And rather than confessing to another person, “That statement was prideful on my part; will you please forgive me?” I began saying, “What I just did was contending for supremacy with God,” and only then asking for the person’s forgiveness. This practice increased a weight of conviction in my heart about the seriousness of this sin.

Pride takes innumerable forms but has only one end: self-glorification. That’s the motive and ultimate purpose of pride - to rob God of legitimate glory and to pursue self-glorification… to deprive God of something only He is worthy to receive.

No wonder God opposes pride. No wonder he hates pride. Let that truth sink into your thinking. (pages 31-32)

Highlight 2. Practical applications!!

While very clearly stating that he was not saying people needed to “do it my way,” Mahaney shares what he has developed to practice growing humility and attacking pride in his life. He says many times throughout the book that humility is our greatest ally, and pride is our greatest enemy; and we need to work both sides. Humility must be encouraged and grown; pride must be strategically mortified.

He has a chapter called “in the morning” and talks about using your commute time, taking control of your waking thoughts and making them submit to Christ, etc. He also has a chapter called “in the evening” that includes thanking God for sleep and its portrait of our dependence on him (we need sleep; there’s nothing we can do to control that, we have to sleep, every night. God neither dozes off nor sleeps. We are the finite & frail creation; he is the infinite and mighty Creator). I LOVE these sections.

Highlight 3. C. J. Mahaney’s written voice.

C. J. Mahaney will tell you that he is a prideful person, but reading this book has illustrated otherwise; he writes openly and honestly, without any stuffiness, but with boldness and confidence in Christ. I am thankful to Jesus that he wrote this and that it is helping me in the transformation of my heart to one that is more like Christ’s.

He is the most biblical, firm-but-kind author I have read. I am used to either flimsy psych-pop writing that dances around the gravity of sin, or a fire-and-brimstone ‘YOU SUCK!’ style that leaves me feeling more jarred than loved. He is very gracious to the reader, and while I was expecting to only feel pain from the conviction this book brought, I was surprised. This deep, rich bubbly feeling in my stomach rose at the conviction that my God LOVES me and CARES for me (the section on sleep, especially). And when I say deep, I mean it wasn’t just a ‘feeling’ - he had verses, and having my biblically-submitted mind already on board with what my heart wants to pledge allegiance to … well, that is a wonderful thing.

I am still working on this book, but I have already gained so many treasures. I would recommend it as a devotional type; bite off a little at a time and really let it sink in. It’s one that you will come back to, unbidden.

And I am pretty darn sure it is available at the resource center in Ballard. (If you know, will you leave a comment to confirm?)

Thanks for listening.

Everything about me shouts, “new Seattleite” or at least, small-town-kid-turned-college-grad. Our city still just fascinates me. A few weekends ago, as temperatures rose above 80 degrees, I found myself joining 40 or so strangers in shorts at Gasworks Park. I spread out my red fleece blanket, read a few pages of a book, and pretended to watch the boats glide across Lake Union to disguise my people watching. That seemed normal enough, though I think I might have been the only one secretly thinking that the enthusiastic boat/bus “Ride the Ducks’ tour actually looked like fun. For those of you who may be new to the area, too, and haven’t encountered this vehicular monstrosity yet, just wait. It’s crazy. It’s a white-canopied boat with wheels carrying around 20 tourists and a very enthusiastic tour guide. You’ll know it when you see it by the very loud speakers playing upbeat, very enthusiastic music. The tours start somewhere around the space needle and go through Fremont to Lake Union and then THROUGH lake Union. The thing actually goes into the water from the road!

And now that I’ve ruined any chance I might have had at impressing you natives, let me introduce myself. I’m Hannah. I really wouldn’t have pictured myself in Seattle, having grown up in Leavenworth (the town, not the prison) and hearing about Seattle’s constant traffic, the depressing rain, and the overpriced real estate market for the first 20 years of my life. But I have to say, God has worked in even the smallest details to plant me here and in Mars Hill and I am stoked to find out what He has in store. I have fallen in love with Seattle.

So the truth is that while I love being part of Mars Hill because of their commitment to Scripture, amazing organization, and (of course!) my community group, none of the above is reasons why I ultimately decided to fellowship at this church. What really caught my attention and made this church stand out from other churches and ministries I have been a part of is Mars Hill’s commitment and teaching to men. Yes really!

As a woman, I so appreciate the consistent messages that challenge the men in our congregation. And in the earliest days of my attendance, I agreed with the theology, was able to connect with the community, but essentially I realized that the kind of man I want to marry is exactly the kind of man who Pastor Mark describes each time he encourages men to be leaders. (But please do not think that I’m here to find a husband because I’m not!) I personally find such relief when men are encouraged to step up and assume their Biblical role of manhood, because I feel free to be a woman and all that that entails.

That’s where things really get interesting! What does Biblical Womanhood really involve? I am constantly seeking to discover how I define myself as a woman and am often disappointed at the sources of my definition of womanhood. But as I learn and spend time with wiser women than myself, I am really having fun discovering my value and purpose as a woman. I would encourage you to do the same ask yourself how you define womanhood, or who you are letting define it for you. How do you define beauty and who do you allow to influence your thoughts about your appearance and your worth?

My job lets me constantly interact with the crazy industry known as fashion design. When I say crazy, I really mean it! The values preached in the “religion” of fashion are basically completely opposite of Biblical values. I am saddened to realize how much this vain business has contributed to women defining themselves by all the wrong things! 
By believing the lie that appearance is everything, women begin to believe their worth is measured by physical beauty. Instead of feeling shame over our sinful soul, we feel shamed because we are overweight, our skin is imperfect, or our clothes are less than stylish. Our gentle feminine soul that longs for affection and affirmation gets distracted by the desire to appear beautiful and be loved, and so we sell ourselves short becoming consumed with the physical, rather than with the eternal.

Now don’t misunderstand me and think that I’m am opposed to wearing fun clothes or looking nice. Anyone who knows me knows how much I absolutely love style and elegance. I think that my love for all things cute and fashionable and expensive makes me especially aware of the wrong attitudes and motivations so closely associated with fashion and the feminine soul. I love when I see women expressing their individuality in their clothing and appearance not because they are trying to conform, but because they sense God’s pleasure in creativity, beauty, and femininity. 

It saddens me when I hear women speaking shamefully of their appearance: signs of aging, extra pounds from pregnancy, clothing from a previous season . women our lists are endless when it comes to areas we criticize about the way we look! However these things are so natural and part of life not forces to fight against and bemoan, but aspects of life to accept with grace! Not easy, I know I will struggle along with the women I love for the rest of my life with comparing the way I look to other women and to what our culture and the fashion industry says is sexy and beautiful. But each time I experience a moment of discontent and selfish desire to be impossibly perfect I remind myself that Jesus’ heart for me as a woman is to have a gentle and quiet spirit. A spirit that appreciates and enjoys my beauty and femininity, and at the same time does not dwell on what I do not have or how I do not look or what I would like to change about my appearance.

To read another short article on our worth as women and the lies we believe about our appearance, click here.

…ministers grace to others (both within and without the body of Christ).

This is the final installment of this series, satirically titled the Ideal Mars Hill Woman.  We’ve tried to break down the stereotypes of Christian women and replace them with the things that Scripture teaches should characterize us all.  First and foremost, the Ideal Mars Hill Woman must be honest about her sin.  Women who put on pretty faces and fake their way through the Christian life are of NO value to the church.  Confession and repentance are key to our growth in Christ.  Secondly, we must deal with this sin in light of the gospel.  We never graduate past a need to meditate on and avail ourselves of the benefits of the gospel.  If we’re honest about our sin and find our identity in Christ through the gospel, we are equipped to reflect the character of God as He originally intended.  In particular, women were created in God’s image as Helpers suitable to the needs of their male counterparts.  It is a high and worthy calling to reflect the image of God in our lives by supporting, defending, and comforting those in our care as an ezer, or strong helper.

Finally, as women who have drunk deeply of God’s grace in light of our own sin, we are equipped to be conduits of God’s grace to the next person.  Consider Paul’s words in Ephesains 4:29:

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

In the King James Version, that last phrase is translated “that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”  Now that’s a phrase to park on for a bit.  We should sit back in AWE for a moment and contemplate that God equips us to speak to others in a way that “ministers grace” to them.  I LOVE that concept!   Do you want to be a conduit of God’s grace to others?  Not His justice, not His law, but His GRACE?  We aren’t the sources of the grace.  We can’t give the grace of ourselves.  But we can be the channels the Lord uses to give His grace to the next guy.  What an honor to be God’s agent sent to build up a hurting brother or sister in Christ through God’s grace!

In contrast, I often find that my conversations with others are filled with words that reveal I haven’t gotten a grasp of parts 1, 2, or 3 of this series.  My words at time reflect my attempts to hide my sin.  My words at times reflect my attempts to still try to earn my favor with God and others through my own human effort.  And quite often, my words reflect that I have totally lost touch with God’s purpose for me-that I’d reflect HIS image and HIS glory.  Instead, my words reveal my attempts to spruce up my own image and reflect glory upon myself.   But when I’m honest about my sin, find my identity in Christ, and embrace my calling to reflect the image of God, I see God begin to use me to channel His grace to others.  What a privilege! 

Where are you in this process?  Have you confessed your sin?  Are you honest about the shame of your past and the failures in your present?  Are you attempting to clean yourself up through your own effort?  Or do you live daily seeing your need for the cross?  Have you surrendered your own warped view of the good life and instead embraced God’s calling to reflect Him in your life?   If so, then you are ready to minister grace to the next lady who realizes her need to be honest about her sin.  May each of us continue drinking daily of God’s grace and ministering that grace back through our words to those God brings into our paths.